My kids also like it when we are all together in the car, etc.
Lets keep doing it for ourselves. thank you of your hugs and right back at you to you and your little ones too. :-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
H is withdrawn as expected..still generally pleasant. He gets very uncomfortable when I thank him for something. I don't know why. I just realized this tonight. He did something, I said thank you I appreciate it, and he just mumbles. who knows.
Something I observed today. He was hanging out at the house before me and the kids got home. I am pleased, but I wonder why he doesn't hang out at OWs since the kids are out. He has no 'reason' to be at the house except when they are there.
And I say this because I do not think it is a 'sign' of anything, because he used to do this before and then he went right back to OW (they did have a break about a year ago...but that was pre-DB for me, so I had no positive influence during that time).
I spoke to my coach yesterday. It always gives such relief, doesn't it?
He basically validated a lot of what I was feeling thinking, doing. And he helped me prepare for when the next D talk comes from H. That gave me some relief.
He also helped me realize that I have to be careful between that fine line of protecting myself, and coming across as rejecting him. resenting him, etc
This includes eye contact. I have lately been avoiding eye contact because i don't want to see what he thinks of me. So I want to work on that.
He thought that the recent niceness from H is positive and asked how I have changed. I told him and he said do you see any specific patterns that prompt him to be nicer?
I said not really. I am trying to be steady and calm and collected. I don't initiate, ask too many questions, I just respond in my new DB way. So I will keep that course for now.
H does not get angry so much anymore with me, more that he withdraws. The day after the party I was at and where I saw OW...I knew he was going to be very late coming over. I just knew it. And he was. I think thats him dealing, rather than coming over expecting me to probably spew about OW (I would have in the past), he avoids and comes very late.
When he walked in, I greeted him with a smile and a hello and carried on the day.
So coach said to continue.
And I will for as long as I can. I told coach I can do that. Its H getting a unilateral D that scares me. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Keep up your DB efforts, and yes, make eye contact. Picture what you want to convey when you interact with him, and make your actions and body language match.
Hi SD, Tori and Vero! I hope you are all well. :-)
SD, the relief is tremendous. Sometimes the panic and worry we create for ourselves is the hardest part to deal with. The coaches really help with that.
Tori-I was determined this morning to make eye contact and take the step, but I received a text this morning saying he overslept and would not make it before school. So maybe later if I see him I will have a chance. I read that body language is the strongest form of communication. Its something to work on for sure.
Vero-I never thought about that. About H feeling guilty when he is thanked because he should be thanking me. Hmmm. Its something to consider.
To be honest, because he has not shown any remorse, or sadness or missing of me, I just assume its all indifference towards me. I forget sometimes that he probably does carry a lot go guilt and sadness.
I have had 7 sessions with coach!
Take care all and have a great day.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
He also helped me realize that I have to be careful between that fine line of protecting myself, and coming across as rejecting him. resenting him, etc
This includes eye contact. I have lately been avoiding eye contact because i don't want to see what he thinks of me. So I want to work on that.
Thanks for pointing this out Busting. It is something which I struggle with as well. Whenever I try to detach, to protect myself, I feel like I always come across as cold and even upset and, it is difficult for me to maintain eye contact.
I'll try to focus on this next interaction. Like your coach says, I don't really want W to think I'm angry or resentful. I would still want her to appreciate our time together but just not as much of it.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Its hard Arsene. But maybe it will get easier with time. :-)
journal
Tonight we took the kids to the school's play. I was surprised that H said he would go. But i was pleased of course and more importantly the kids were.
When we sat down we all sat together but he made a point of not sitting next to me. Thats fine. But then the kids got up to sit with their friends so we had a chair between us. I left it.
We had some chit chat. I was tempted to make conversation but knew it would be fruitless so I left it to some chit chat.
At the intermission the kids took him to get some snacks. I waited. He brought back some water for me and shared his brownie (I didn't ask). That was nice.
He is so reserved with me. So forcibly keeping his distance.
As I was sitting watching I thought to myself, does he think I don't care? Does he think I don't want him back? Would it make a difference if he knew I was fighting for him? But not in the way I used to? That I believed in him and us and this family? That I actually was loving him the best way I could by giving him what he wants?
And then my mind wandered to OW (ok, the play was obviously not THAT engaging lol), and all I could do was think of the loving things he must have told/still tells her. How he will be her man. How much she has helped heal him, etc. I know this is all mind reading, but I am sure there is some truth to it.
And I kind of turned to look at him (it was dark) and just thought is this real? HAs my H really left me? Does he think I have given up? Does he really have nothing left for me?
He has friends I don't even know. Friends that never saw him M or with me. Our old friends pretty much don't see/interact with him anymore unless he happens to be around when their is a school event or something like that. Such separate lives. Yet the most important part of our lives , our family, means we see each other daily. But I am not important enough to him to commit to making it complete.
And then we had a few moments of normality. Something funny in the play and we looked at each other and laughed.
On the way home in the car. I made a comment...that was really nice (I wasn't referring to the play, but just the outing, but i didn't specify that), and he agreed. I left it.
Then we came home and put the kids straight to bed (way past their bed time!) and i was just observing. He was anxious to leave. Wanted to get the kids into bed and leave. I ASSUME she is waiting for him. And without him noticing he actually just kind of left the kids' room without really saying goodnight. I could see my son looking after him.
It broke my heart. I went to my son and hugged him and told him I love him and to have a great night sleep.
I notice that when H is preoccupied he really can't see another person's wants/needs. He couldn't see my son looking after him. Its like his mind is racing, restless/impatient.
Anyway, I am doing fine. I hope I am doing my best. I want my family back. I want my kids to have their father fully in their lives. I realize he can't right now.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
and I realize, and I know this his still a work in progress. I don't feel my full self with him yet. It has gotten better since I have been DBing...my self esteem has picked up, etc. But I realize I still am doing a lot of acting as if around him. And its because he does not welcome my presence around him. He so actively pushes me out. He makes sure I am not a part of his private life whatsoever.
No worries, I am not going back to banging on the castle door anymore.
Just observations.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thanks for sharing with us... I could have written a lot of what you said as well.
It's hard to act naturally when you can clearly see that your H is consciously pushing you out and acting distant. When he doesn't want to sit next to you or hug you or touch you. When he never asks about you or your life or shows any interests in others' needs...
I like you act as if, but I have a tough time when this happens. I really think that my H probably isn't even aware if I notice he doesn't touch me or listen to me, because he is is so used to acting like that towards me. Does that make sense?
I know the feeling of looking at H and wondering how we got here and who is this man sitting next to me who acts like a distant relative...
But you are doing great. You are calm about it, you reflect on it, observe your feelings, let them pass and continue on. And I admire you for it...
((((busting)))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
