H: You know you've been really different recently, right? In a good way. Me: Hmm? H: Well, I'm trying to figure out why. I think it might be because you've been having more regular massages. Me: Really? [I was thrown by that guess because I haven't been having more regular massages!] H: It was so weird yesterday morning when I was running late and you didn't comment. You can't imagine how different it feels. Usually, you're so anxious about what I'm up to that there is no room for me. I actually started feeling stressed about being late myself. It was the most extraordinary thing. Me: Hmm (in positive tone)
This is wonderful! I'm so happy to hear you're already seeing results, Wendy. Just stay on track now, you know this will take time.
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I managed not to comment about the fact that he got me to repeat everything I said at some point this evening. Either he's going deaf or buys himself time by not really listening. Anyway, I just repeated.
Good job being patient here, and again stay on course.
I think you may be right that part of it could be lazy listening on his part. This is something I've been accused of also. All I can say is it always rubbed me the wrong way hearing about it, and just made me get defensive. I really feel like if my needs were truly being met, I would have been more open to "fixing" my shortcomings. Use this thought to keep yourself on course.
Threatening D sure opened up my ears though, but I don't recommend you to do this!
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I also managed not to answer him impatiently when he asked where S17 was. He often asks me where the kids are when they are simply where you'd expect them to be. In this case, S17 was watching a film on his laptop in bed. When I said "In bed", H seemed really surprised. I didn't say, "Where else would you expect him to be at this time of night on a weekday?"
As long as his mind is physically capable, at some point you'll want to gradually and gently start helping him to pick up in this area. I wonder what he would have thought/said if you answered "I'm not sure".
If you step back he may be more likely to start stepping up. Right now you take care of things so he doesn't have to. He can stay in his own little day dream world.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
