Very sad to be here but H says he is leaving

[brokenheart71]

I've been doing much better at detaching, have even managed to not answer all his calls. Last night older D was at a sleepover and younger D really wanted to see H's new apartment, so she went to stay there. I went out with friends. She was going to stay with all day because older D had a workshop that she and I both needed to be at today. But around 11:00 this morning she wanted to come home. H brought her home and came in for a while. He asked me several times how my night went and if I "closed the place down", who was there etc. I was pleasant but kind of vague. He then wanted to know if all my friends now hated him, which I said no but some were worried. I told him that I was worried about his drinking and really hoped he would stop. He just nodded and I said I thought he should check out AA and that if he stopped drinking completely that all of this would be worth it and it would make him a better father. No real discussion after that but it was a pleasant visit. I guess as good as I could hope for for now.

Brokenheart71

[brokenheart71]

I still feel that I am doing well with detaching - even letting most of his calls go to voice mail.
He seems to have waivered a little on how much he wants to see our kids here at home. Originally he said he wanted to come over for dinner several times a week. Then he made a suggestion that they stay with him several nights a week. Older D does not want to stay with him yet. And I don't know if I want her or younger D staying with him on week nights. So now he is back to wanting to have "family dinners" Also not sure if it is a good to have him here that often - mostly for my kids. Does that give too much of a mixed message, or false hope? Or is a good transition?

He was a little annoyed about not seeing the girls on the specific nights he wanted to and texted me about that last night - I calmly texted back that for a long time he has put many activities ahead of spending time with them (work, networking, social events, sports events, golf) and that it is not realistic to expect them to now drop everything to go see him. But I would continue to encourage them to see him. He only replied "thanks".

Brokenheart71

[brokenheart71]

Wow, so much DBing in one day. Lots happened today, both good and bad. Our daughters both had multiple activities today. At the first one we were there together and ended up sitting and having coffee alone. He asked how I was doing and I said that I was doing well and felt better than I had in a while. He quickly added that that is how he feels too. I know it's not rally rational but that really bothered me, like really, no kidding - leaving me, spending very little time with your kids and you feel great. I know he was just saying the same thing I did but it hurt my feelings. But instead of saying something mean I just nodded and remembered to have patience. I would have liked to hear that he is miserable and misses me but it hasn't even been two weeks.
Then later we were each with a kid, he was going to end up with both of them. He called when he was on his way to the basketball game I was at, when he found out my mom and brother were there with me he said he didn't want to come - he just didn't "feel comfortable". Again I wanted to say that it seemed like he had a guilty conscious and that he is the one who is putting us in this sitch, but instead I just said "I can understand that you feel that way".
Later the girls didn't even want to go to dinner with him. He invited me along, but I declined and said I would see them later. Both girls said they wanted to go with me. I knew he was getting frustrated so I agreed to go. When the TVs at the resturante weren't working ( he had said he wanted to watch a football game) I suggested we get the food and come to the house. We did and have had a really nice evening, watch the game and playing lots of games with the girls. He stayed until about 9:00. He did ask one more time if either of the girls wanted to go back to his apt with him. Neither did but it was the most and best quality time he has spent with them in weeks. And tomorrow we are going to a cirque de Soleil show that we got tickets to last June. Hopefully that will go well.

[brokenheart71]

Some backsliding today. Met H for lunch to discuss schedule and finances. He sort of brought up R issues, I said I would only talk about if he really wanted to and near the end we did. At first it was ok butby the end I was so frustrated that I should have ended the conversation much earlier. His whole theory comes down to he doesn't love me and it shouldn't take "so much work to be in love with someone". I was so angry and told that he hadn't put hardly any work into it. I knew we shouldn't be talking about R yet. And right now I am just angry about the last couple years of our marriage, feeling betrayed and taken advantage of. We both agreed for me to be a stay at home mom - while he concentrated oh his career and now just when our kids are old enough to start being left alone AND just when he becoming a full partner in his business (meaning more $) he is changing all the rules. I feel like the payoff that I have been working for so many years is being taken away from me. I am just not going to talk to him more than necessary for a while.
And on a not so side note I am struggling with how to deal with my kids. I have been gently encouraging them to spend time with him. But when they ask me questions about him I'm not sure how to answer. Like the fact that he is no longer hoing to see them on his birthday ( he "has plans") and wants to take them to dinner the night before. Younger d has Girl Scouts that night but i am trying to work it out (will just be a long evening for her) and she asked why she can't just go to dinner with him on his birthday (Friday) or the next night. I said "he's busy" but I know she is looking for more of an answer. How much do I protect him? I don't want to speak poorly of him but he seems to be making a lot of poor decisions. He has a very limited/specific schedule of when he wants to see them and is getting really frustrated if they either have a conflict or aren't excited about seeing him.
Brokenhesrt71
Me 40 (for a few more weeks)
H 40 (for a few more days)
M 18 years
Ds 12 and 8
BD 1 12/09
R 2/10
ILYBINILWY Sept/12
He moved out oct/12

[AJM]

Broken, very sorry to see you here. But you've come to a great place.

Can I suggest a few things?
I think your feelings are very natural and normal. I do suggest that if you cannot talk to him...then don't. It makes you frustrated and that doesn't seem to help you. He has to work through this on his own.

If it helps, I know how you feel

As for the kids. Imagine a child whose parent doesn't want to see them. Or has a parent that prevents them from seeing their parent. That would suc* Big time.

I can tell you that how you present things to them is important to their well being. You know that. But you're struggling to understand and deal with this "bomb". It's not easy but you're up to the task.

My suggestion is to encourage them, but don't get in the way either. When they ask, tell them the truth - you don't know, but you're sure daddy loves you. You can ask him when you see him next. They need to have their relationship with their dad and you can't stand between them.

It's hard, Broken. I know. But it's not over and you need to protect the kids like this. You'll be glad you did.

About you. What are you doing to recharge you? To make sense of your life without losing your mind?

AJ

[albamarie]

We both agreed for me to be a stay at home mom - while he concentrated oh his career and now just when our kids are old enough to start being left alone AND just when he becoming a full partner in his business (meaning more $) he is changing all the rules. I feel like the payoff that I have been working for so many years is being taken away from me.

Hi, Broken! I read over your posts and found this quote that really hit home. It's like you took the words right from my sitch only we reached our last child's graduation D18, and the other 3 fresh out of college.

Talk about looking forward to getting back to us again, now I guess I can get back to me, or better yet find the me I am today, with H!

I'm sorry to hear your going through this, it doesn't feel good being left behind as I call it. Being in the home we built together with our kids and he just checked out for.....?

You sound like your on the right track and getting some really good advice here. Try your best to take all the advice...it's kept me sain and also has shown me my mistakes.

FYI, I don't encourage or discourage my H about being a F. My kids are old enough to speak out and it did nothing to change the sitch. He missed D18 graduation, he's stuck in a fantasy that she's ok about it!

He will have to face his own consequences eventually! IMHO, you can't push him about the kids either.

Keep reading! Stay strong!

[albamarie]

I ment to say, find a new me, WITHOUT H! Whether I want or not!

[brokenheart71]

Thanks AJ and dawnmarie - I am back to a much better mood today not sure why mood swings surprise me. I have never been overly emotional so all this drama is new to me. But I am back to believing that right now I'm where I need to be. H's issues are for him to figure out. If I guilt him into staying ( or coerce him in any way) it won't be a good marriage. He hasn't been a great husband (or father) for a while. He kept blaming it on work stress but I see now that he had other issues as well. And if he decides its not worth working on to create a great marriage with me then I do deserve better. I deserve some who treasures me not just settles for me. Maybe it will be H and maybe not.
I really am focused on doing what is best for my kids. As I told my friend, I will do what is best for them - if that benefits H then so be it. And I know that having a good relationship with him is good for them. I'm just not always sure how to do that.
Brokenheart71
Me 40 (for a few more weeks) H 40 (for a couple more days)
He moved out two weeks ago yesterday

[AnotherStander]

Since he just moved out 2 weeks ago it's no surprise you're on the emotional roller coaster. I'm glad to hear you're doing better though You are quite right, you shouldn't have to beg an unloving H to stay and just "settle" for you. This is where piecing is really important, if at some point he wants to come back then you can't just throw the door open, there's a lot of work that has to take place first. But often if the WAS does get to that point they'll be much more loving and interested in the M than before.

[albamarie]

H's issues are for him to figure out. If I guilt him into staying ( or coerce him in any way) it won't be a good marriage. He hasn't been a great husband (or father) for a while. He kept blaming it on work stress but I see now that he had other issues as well

Your insightful words were just what I needed to read right now, I'm on such edge that I can teeter either way.

I think I was going through a "guilting him" phase - back slide, hopefully I have gotten passed it letting him know I would accept his decision, with some dignity left.

Like your sitch my H has not been a good H or F for quite some time now, something has to be better than staying stagnent.

Good to hear your better today!