Funny thing. Once I started feeling those feelings I had as a little girl--I didn't feel nearly so desperate or obsessed about H and OW. In fact, I even felt a bit able to let him go. Some of the fog lifted and I could see it a bit more clearly for what it was.
As a kid, I watched the men I trusted the most, disrespect women. The worst part, for me, was being smart enough to see what these men were doing and still be powerless.
I developed a belief that what I thought didn't matter. I didn't have choices, I said goodbye to my Grandpa and that was it. I only saw him once after I was 7. I felt like what I wanted and needed didn't make any difference to anyone.
When my Dad left, we had to move, get rid of my dog, my mom remarried this really unstable guy and I still didn't have any choice. I had to watch this train wreck and see how my mom, sister and kid brother hurt, but I couldn't do anything. AND, anytime I spoke up--no one seemed to listen or care.
Ironically, my D18 is saying some of the same stuff to me. The girl has this incredible brain and has watched me act so pathetic---anyway--I'm getting it.
Thanks all for helping me through the past few days,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, I have lurked here for a while following along. You are getting great input and it is good to see your progress. I know it doesn’t seem like progress sometimes, never the less it is. They are all baby steps along your own path. Like you I sometimes made great progress and at other times two steps forward one step back. Being honest some of the backwards steps were giant ones.
It does get better. Keep moving forward and when you can’t, lean forward, your feet will catch up.
TrueGritter, one of the people who helped me cope posted this a while back. I like to think it is something he composed. I hope it helps.
“This tragedy and the choices of your spouse against you is probably the toughest thing you will ever have happen to you in your life. It is certainly a traumatic event to say the least because it is the destruction of your life and what you thought you could trust and believe in about love and sharing your life with someone. When that belief and trust is shattered you have to feel and deal with its loss. You can go in any number of directions: -run away -blame and get angry -you can beg or plead -you can try to coerce, control and punish In the end you have to find your own answer and THAT Only comes from making your own choice. Not because of what someone else did BUT in spite of it. Choose to love in the face of all the anger, agony and pain. In spite of what you feel you are a victim of. In spite of how others may perceive you. In spite of your own self doubt.
Choose for YOU and you will find what it means to love another. You will find what it means to love yourself. You will only get this awareness after standing through much pain. Constantly questioning yourself and your beliefs. Testing your fortitude.
Then you will emerge with the truth. The truth forged in a fire. Your own truth.
The you will know the freedom and peace that comes from knowing that NO ONE can ever take that away from you.
[Some of the tactics and boundaries we might employ, while they certainly are an expression of what you do not want in your life, they can also cause us to make choices BECAUSE OF SOMOENE ELSE. It causes us to lay our self respect on the foundation of demanding someone else confirm us by either doing or not doing something. It makes it all too easy to lay the blame on the person choosing not to conform to our demands. You run the risk of not making your own choice for your own reasons. It relieves you of that responsibility. And you will not know your own truth because it has been written by someone else. It was written Because of someone else. When you STAND up for what you believe, in the face of this, it becomes clear that you are truly free from the consequences of the choices of other people. Then you don’t need boundaries.]
In the end love endures and does not fail. Finding that out though, is a hard way to go.
I can only say it is worth it
Your spouse has the journey to take as well. They are trying to find the answers to the same questions. They think it lies in another person or relationship. And they will find it or they won’t. Until they do their life, love and relationships will be broken. They as we will repeat the same mistakes until they learn this. Until they do the M is broken.
And you have no power over it. Your power and your salvation rest within yourself. So this is an opportunity to ask yourself:
Who am I?
What does love mean to me? Is it defined by its expression by another? Or how I choose to express it?
So do what you will and feel what you feel. The consequences and the failures only bring you closer to the truth IF you have the courage to keep stepping toward it.
Many obstacles will be put in your path to overcome:
He apologized again. This time he said he loved me. Says he's lonely and depressed and has no home. Told me he has slept in his car some nights. Told me they had sex in August, twice? But, are just friends. Said she only wants to be friends and so does he. I asked if he was dumped. He said No.
I asked why now? If this has only been a friendship. Why wouldn't he let her go for months and months. What's different now?
I'm all shaky and feel weird. I want so desperately to believe, but Jesus we've been through so much and I'm not risking my heart again.
He stopped by for about an hour. D18 expressed her feelings--beautifully--I might add! She was so much more grown up than he was. She said honestly she is sorry that he is so sad, but doesn't trust he will stick around.
There's lots more, but it's all spinning in my head. Felt lured into that Gawd-awful mother role again. Poor wounded baby--let me help. Worked hard and kept my mouth shut, for the most part, while D18 talked. We all were laughing when he left. I said, "Come by anytime! Three women here ready to give you an earful! Have a seat by the fire!"
So effin weird. Not sure if this is worse than the heartbreak? Just so hard to wrap my head around.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Oh, and he said he was hiding behind the alcohol for months--he has been miserable but just tried to stay drunk and it got old. Now he wants his family.
Gotta start a new thread already!!
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
The first thing that ran through my mind was if they had sex, sure hope they used protection!
The second thing that ran through my mind was the words they are just friends.
Yes, he does miss his family and the comforts of home, but little boy blue still needs to prove to you that he's willing to jump through hoops of fire to win you back. He's got to earn your trust and I don't think he's quite there yet...
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I started to get sucked in with the whole sleep in my truck thing. What do I do now? I know he has to jump through hoops and he ain't movin back here anytime soon--but not sure how to handle this...Do I wait for him to contact me? Do I invite him over for dinner? Do I demand proof that she is outta the picture before we take this any further?
I made a slam about OW and then apologized.
I'm so confused. I think I will enjoy the apology and the "I love you" was a pleasant surprise. I will enjoy the moment. I will not text and wait for him to contact me.
Sound OK?
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Is this MLC? Maybe I'm off base? He's DEFINITELY off base.
And, I'm supposed to buy that this relationship was only physical in August?
My guess is that she began to show her true colors when I backed waaaaaaayyyyyy off. He saw the psycho bit-- from he!! and realized what he'd gotten himself into. Holidays are coming. If he doesn't commit to her, then he gets a place to live...but what if she's CRAZEEEEEEE?
The girls and I are in agreement that he needs to feel this more. Fly in the wind dude.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
