I think making room and pulling back will be good for you and will help you no matter what happens in the future. Just like me, you've gotten frustrated with your H's responses after all of the work that you've put in.
I get how confusing the physical contact can be. My DB coach said to continue to ML because it shows a connection on his part. It has been a little hard on me because it always raises my expectations.
Based on some of his comments that you related, your H sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. That gives you plenty of room to work with.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
I think making room and pulling back will be good for you and will help you no matter what happens in the future. Just like me, you've gotten frustrated with your H's responses after all of the work that you've put in.
Exactly. I know he recognizes the work but he refuses to actually acknowledge it. I'm hoping we'll get there, maybe we won't...
H went out for a beer, said he'd be home an hour ago. Boys are in bed, and he's going out of town tomorrow so now won't see them until Thurs. It's sh!tty of him to do that to them. I'm not suspicious as I'm quite certain he is out with our old neighbor and they talk business all the time. Still and all, it's lame to say you'll be home at a certain time, then not show and not call/text. I have resisted the temptation to but in.
On the plus side, H did actually call me today (vs text) to tell me about this plan. And, I get the bed while he's gone. Wish it were going to be more than one night.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
This morning I feel like we're making the tiniest bit of progress. H came in to talk to me when he got home, told me about his night. Later on I spent a little time with him giving him his back rub, but he seemed more receptive in a way. Hard to describe, but a subtle change in him, like he was finally starting to let go. Instead of just being "frigid" he was letting me know that he was enjoying it by making little sounds of contentment, which makes me think he's finally allowing himself to enjoy the experience.
He did say in MC that he felt he was turning a lot of his anger inward. He definitely has this self-punishing thing that he does. So maybe, hopefully, he's ready to start letting go of that. I didn't think our ML the other night was any momentous deal, but he had definitely been holding back in that area, and he knew it was something that I wanted to keep going, so it either signifies him letting go of some of his resistance, or he was just horny. Maybe a combination of both. ;-)
He left for his business trip early this am. I went outside to say goodbye and we had a nice hug - first time in a while for that.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
I get how confusing the physical contact can be. My DB coach said to continue to ML because it shows a connection on his part. It has been a little hard on me because it always raises my expectations.
Agree, I think it may be more a female thing. I tend to tie all my emotions to ML or lack thereof....
Originally Posted By: veroprado
One of the veterans posts something very simple.
"drop the rope"
There comes a time when you need to let go and give him that space.
So simple yet so hard, but probably one of the best pieces of advice I have seen
Really sounds like lots of progress, Regretful. I know you don't want to raise your expectations but I think it's more than baby steps. I'm feeling optimistic ab your sitch. I still can't get over how alike our Hs are. My H has all the same complaints about me. I wonder what other traits they share. What's your H's background?
Enjoy your bed tonight!
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
I still can't get over how alike our Hs are. My H has all the same complaints about me. I wonder what other traits they share. What's your H's background?
Wendy, I'm not exactly sure how to answer but I will try. H has a little bit of a troubled background. His parents divorced when he was a teenager and it was a lot of on and off before they finally broke up for good. At that point his mother left CA and moved to Colorado, basically abandoning H and his sister to live with their father.
His mother is, in my opinion, completely nuts. Very selfish as well, everything is always about what she wants. I have never seen so much wavering from one person. She's Jewish, she's Christian. She's straight, she's gay, she's straight again. She's now accusing her own mother of molesting her. She lives 1 1/2 hours away, and would come down here for a haircut 10 minutes from our house and not call. She is highly medicated and has a host of physical ailments as well. She was not much of a mother, suffice it to say.
I have always been the opposite of that - pretty much rock solid - and I realized much too late that H was looking for a mommy. I have known him since the 7th grade and we were always friends, on again, off again. Finally we got together when we were 28. H was always kind of a goof-off and always pretty immature but I thought that he'd finally grown up. But he did have bad credit when we started dating. A red flag I should have paid more attention to.
On the flip side, he's very loyal and loving and funny and smart. I do think though, that he never really learned how to deal with his emotions. He's a big time stuffer and started the withdrawing nonsense very early on in our R. In addition we had a terrible sex life at the start, and it only got worse from there, until OM1 came along, and then it improved a lot. H finally let go of something in that domain.
I have said this before but I'm convinced that he's never dealt with his mommy issues and is hurting more than ever from her abandonment. Of course as a teen he took a lot of that personally and grew up with an internal "self-deprecating" dialogue that I didn't realize until I got here (Mr. Bond actually pointed out to me how insecure he is). The self-deprecation then gets turned around and comes out as an attack on me. He just doesn't think he's good enough, another thing which we never dealt with.
No alcohol or drug abuse but as I have said before he also takes a whole host of medications to cope. He goes through Xanax like nobody's business. He is the kind of person who is very reluctant to ask anyone for help and as far as I am concerned he is doing more stuffing with regards to our R. I haven't seen any evidence that he understands that his repeated withdrawal and stonewalling had a direct effect on my behavior in the M.
Any of that sound familiar?
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Great GAL over the last couple days - 2 nights ago I went to a concert right in my neighborhood. There's a small theatre walking distance from my house and a fairly well-known singer was performing there. There's not much else I can walk to besides Rite Aid and the gas station!
Last night I went out with the moms from S8's class - great group of ladies. I sat next to one who is S and I didn't know. She got S around the same time as all my trouble started. She was not that forthcoming but I told her to read DR if she wanted to try to save her M. Another woman, bless her heart, totally drunk, gave me a long talk about how much she supported me and then asked "Did you have an A?" It just irritates me that I always have to explain myself on this point when it is no one else's business, thank you H for that.
Tomorrow night I am going to "Ryan Gosling Movie Night" with another bunch of ladies from the school. I'm not that much of a fan but it's just good to be in a group of women to talk and have a good time.
Also - I was supposed to be hosting a cookie decorating party with Nosy Neighbor in a few weeks and I emailed her yesterday and told her very politely that I could handle it myself. Don't want her involved anymore...
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
How did you respond to the lady questioning you about the A?
Something you may consider bringing up in the next MC....has your H ever forgiven his mother? I'm pretty sure the answer is no, but it may get him thinking about it. He's dragging so much resentment for his mother into his life, he's miserable for it and doesn't even realize it.
I had a discussion with my brother last night about forgiveness because he's mad at my sister and won't come to Thanksgiving at my place because she'll be there. He said she didn't deserve forgiveness or some similar nonsense, to which I replied "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself." This went on for a good hour, and eventually I just gave up. He doesn't yet realize how he's punishing himself (he's the one that's going to be home alone Thur), but I hope it gets him to start thinking about it. We can't make people get it...but I think we can open the door for them sometimes.
