Wake up and see there's a divorce

[25yearsmlc]

My W finally told me she doesn't love me. This was after two C sessions. I said ok then she hands me a rough draft of a divorce agreement. Wants me out of the house in two weeks. I cried! Two days it took me to get over loosing her.

Fixer, I'm sorry you are here. At least the DBing prepared you for this likelihood somewhat (but how prepared are we ever, really?) But here you are.

So she says she doesn't love you and she has acted that way for some time. So in REALITY, the loss is more of a realization on your end, rather than a new event...you've had important unmet needs for a long long time now. That can't be healthy. NOW limbo will end and there are advantages to that, for sure.

What haunts me now is losing my nightly hugs from my daughter.

So you'll have your d some nights and you can hug her then. And call her the nights you are not with her. My h is overseas like many other soldiers. They manage to stay close to their kids and you can too. You won't be 9000 miles away for months at a time. Don't forget that what she (your d) has been seeing in your m, is NOT the type of marriage you'd want for her, is it?

At least now, you'll have the chance someday down the road, to model for her
what a healthy marriage looks like. That's key for you to remember, long term and big picture.

Your d probably knows that what you have now with your w, is NOT a good strong or loving marriage. But now you can show her what one looks like, when you are ready.

I'm still in the house and my wife doesn't look so good. I call her to check in to make sure she's Ok. Not sure if this is a good idea.


It's NOT a good idea. Life will show her the consequences of her action, which you do not have to point out OR alleviate. That's not your job. She's leaving you. And that's that. It hurts.

But you are not in a position to shield her from her experience, you're surely not in a position to interpret her behavior or appearance, and you of all people ought NOT to try and FIX IT...look at your screen name...and stop trying to fix her.

I still love her even though she's not the woman I married 16 years ago. It took this long for her to tell me she doesn't love me.


Really? I'm sorry, but I think it took her this long to SAY IT OUT LOUD. But she was telling you in her own way, for a long long time. Your needs were not a priority to her and that says a lot itself.

My question is why you were willing to let those needs go unmet for so long without any indication of positive change on her end.

There's an invisible pain that has gone away from deep inside me. I finally know something I feared hearing but my DBing prepared me for.

Fixer

Previously, You asked why it is that you won't move on. Well, will you now?

You also said you were tired of folks telling you they'd never put up with the situation, but then you asked why they were NOT in your shoes...

the answer is inside the question.

It's BECAUSE they would not put up with "x", that "x" will not happen to them.
Make sense?

"Standing" for your marriage never meant to stand still, never meant to wait for the WAW to come around. (At least not for this long.)

I think you have more choices now, than you realize or accept. You're not powerless.

You can GAL for real, move on for real, model grace under adversity for your d, and someday you can model for your d what a healthy loving respectful marriage looks like. Maybe even one with some passion in it.

It's possible that the obstacle to her happiness that your w sees you as being, shall now be gone and maybe she'll see things in a new way. I have 2 family members who divorced only to reconcile 5 years later. It happens.

But none of the parties counted on that happening; they each improved THEIR own lives and worked on themselves and became better people/partners as a result...AND

Don't discount the value of your d seeing you ADAPT to the change that has been brewing for a long time,

and seeing you come out of this, a happier stronger more loving/Loved man....

As impossible as this is to believe right now, this pivotal moment may just be the beginning of the rest of your life. And it's up to YOU what type of life you create for yourself and your d.

Make it a great one. You can do this.