Dealing with the reality of separation

[AnotherStander]

You fellas need to chill. She heard you. Chances are she is starting to believe the changes and knows better than to ask.

I totally understand what you're saying, but in the case of my W she has been forgetting some pretty significant conversations, sometimes just in a matter of days. We'll talk about something noteworthy and then days later she'll say something contradictory and I'll say "but what about a few days ago when you said 'x'" and she'll scrunch up her face and say "I don't remember saying that" and I really don't think she does. This is very unlike my W and makes me wonder if perimenopause is affecting her memory (she's recently reported getting hot flashes). The point being I don't think I can count on her remembering ANYTHING we've talked about.

[PeteWyo]

The point being I don't think I can count on her remembering ANYTHING we've talked about.

I feel this exact way sometimes. I remember all of the things that she said over the last 4 months that were encouraging, like "even when I wasn't happy, you were still really good to me", and "I think we just had a whole lot of misunderstandings" and "You really are a great man." But I don't think she remembers saying those things. Not my job to remind her though. If she really does feel that way then those feelings are inside of her somewhere. All there is to do is sit back and let it play out I guess. Patience is one elusive virtue...

[Denver_2010]

That doesn't sound cold, it sounds fine. She was letting you know she got her stuff out and she thanked you. Polite and friendly.

I guess I just said it was cold because she had always added a smiley or something to show that she was appreciative. I know, overthinking it.

She may be communicating something to you by not adding the smiley face. She may be irritated. Let's hope so. You want to get some emotion from her. Keep doing what you are doing.

[Denver_2010]

I told my H one time that in order to R he would have to end it. I am not open to anything else. I never repeated it but I am certain he heard it. You fellas need to chill. She heard you. Chances are she is starting to believe the changes and knows better than to ask. Meaning- she is getting the boundaries. I know if it was me, I may not respond but I would still know it and think about it.

Yup ^^^

[Denver_2010]

I told my H one time that in order to R he would have to end it. I am not open to anything else. I never repeated it but I am certain he heard it. You fellas need to chill. She heard you. Chances are she is starting to believe the changes and knows better than to ask. Meaning- she is getting the boundaries. I know if it was me, I may not respond but I would still know it and think about it.

Yes, I definitely told her that at one point! Like I said though, I think she does have some serious selective hearing and has always read way too much into situations. For instance, if a friend would tell her jokingly that she was being ridiculous, in a matter of minutes she would have this whole grand explanation built up in her head that her friend hated her and it was because something she said and now people are talking about her behind her back and the world was going to end. I had to talk her out of many of those spirals in the past.

MKB, what do you mean by "she is getting the boundaries. I know if it was me, I may not respond but I would still know it and think about it." When you say you may not respond, respond to what?

She is thinking about wtf is going on in your head. That is what she means (I think). Either way, that's my opinion. You need to keep doing what you are doing. Stop talking to SIL too. That isn't going to help. Or at least, only use SIL for intel. Don't communicate that you are missing W! That defeats the purpose of what you are doing. Just tell SIL that you aren't rushing to the courthouse for D, but that you are living your life.

THAT is what you are trying to communicate to your W.

[Grateful]

I am with you on this. This is my fourth day with no contact. My W hasn't initiated contact in ten days. I am not sure if going dim is in my best interest either, but I know nothing else has worked.

Grateful, don't misunderstand me I think going dim was the right thing to do and I am not familiar with your situation, but for me it made sense. I guess in this case, I think that it is working a little, but I was more asking what to do about what my SIL said.

I think that going dim is a good way to make yourself more mysterious to her and wonder what is going on with your life and to see that you are making all these changes for yourself. 10 days isn't a long time. I haven't heard my W's voice since early September and I don't think I will for a while still. Hang in there. I am teaching myself patience as well. It would be a good 180 for you to consider (((())))

To be honest, I am not going dim to try to save R. I am going to dim because I am tired of getting my hopes up everytime something little is shared.

[littleGTO]

The whole "I don't think my W remembers ANYTHING I say" is all about selective listening. She HEARD you but part of her is CHOOSING NOT to remember and process that part of what you said b/c it contradicts w what she is consciously CHOOSING TO DO.

BUt if she chooses not to hear it the first time you can bet she will make that same choice if you say it again ...until she is ready to actually WANT to hear it.

[Denver_2010]

The whole "I don't think my W remembers ANYTHING I say" is all about selective listening. She HEARD you but part of her is CHOOSING NOT to remember and process that part of what you said b/c it contradicts w what she is consciously CHOOSING TO DO.

BUt if she chooses not to hear it the first time you can bet she will make that same choice if you say it again ...until she is ready to actually WANT to hear it.

Exactly! ^^^

[PeteWyo]

Thank you for all the great feedback. I know you are right about her wanting to hear something. Right now she wants to hear that I forgive her and that I'm ok with her being with OM. I am not, so she doesn't get to hear that. I do need to stop confiding in SIL. I don't tell her everything but probably too much. Besides she has her own problems to deal with and doesn't need me piling on my issues. I just don't want to miss out on being able to see my niece. Also she is basically the only mutual contact that my W and I are in touch with. So I need her to actually see that I am doing good.

Update on my anxiety. I am on a med now that I can see actually helps a lot. Been a few weeks and it seems to put the anxiety at bay. I think there may be a larger problem here though. Going to talk with my IC about it on Thursday and see what she says. I have major performance anxiety in all aspects of my life. I know I'm in sales so that is weird but I have always been a nervous wreck before a sales meeting and then as soon as I get there I put on my sales face and everything is fine. I am actually more myself when I am on a sales call in front of a complete stranger than I was in front of my W recently. Add on a moderate amount of OCD and I am thinking passive anxiety meds are not the short term answer. I haven't really been myself for 5 years. I have always put on a brave face but I think it is time to see what Big Pharma can do about this. Me trying to be strong and fake my way through it is not acceptable anymore. I want to actually be happy...

[PeteWyo]

To be honest, I am not going dim to try to save R. I am going to dim because I am tired of getting my hopes up everytime something little is shared.

When all else fails, try something new