Can This Be Salvaged?

[leopoldstotch]

You are right SG. I need to pick myself up dust myself off and get back on that horse again. I don't control her and I don't want too. I thought I was doing good up til Sunday. I can't let one day ruin the progress I have made. Whether she chooses to forgive and accept my apology is her choice. I also feel like its her choice whether we have a new/better marriage.

[MrBond]

"I'm really having a hard time grasping how my W can be so engrossed in the things that happened in the past. "

You think or believe things that you WANT to think or believe in. If all she does is concentrate on the bad stuff, it will make it seem like EVERYTHING was bad. That's why you remove yourself so that she doesn't "trigger" on just the bad.

If you are friends with her on FB, how about starting to post things of your own? Show your GAL in pictures and "Like" those comments that stress the importance of a strong M, etc. But also use it to show you're ready to move on without her. Show her a life that's different than what she has in her head.

[theUF]

I did what MrBond suggested. I didn't lie or trick, just shared the positive things in my life.

After a while I quit though.
I noticed how her FB pace followed mine.
If I was active, she would be really active and vice versa.
So, I took my FB'ing to an absolute minimum. I wanted to truly GAL instead of concentrating on FBGAL.

If you want, try it out. You can always stop if it becomes a race or consumes too much time.

[theUF]

Now when we both got home from work everything was fine. I never made mention of her dissatisfaction at all. The text messages went like this

W: u r off tomorrow????
Me: yes. Monday to Thurday 10 hrs a day equals 40 hrs
W: wth! ru working saturday?
Me: No I'm not on restorations
W: ugh! wth! what about next week?
Me: 40hrs next week. Just be thankful I'm working
W: ha ha ha!!!! really??? seriously???
Me:Ya seriously. What's ur problem?
W: nada!

I realize this is an old post, but I can really relate to this.

Although my problem was working too much, her reaction was the same. She was pissed b/c I worked too much and money wasn't everything. When I told her I would be having X number of days of each month from then on out, she was again pissed b/c I would make less money.

I explained how I can not work less and earn more, and that my deal was pretty good.
I think at this stage though, she just wanted me to be the one doing everything wrong.

Did she ever explain her reactions?

[leopoldstotch]

Well Mr Bond I think you and my counselor are on the same page when it comes to my W and bringing up the past. He says she thinks everything was bad and always brings it up as a way to either punish me or still make it seem like its bad since I've not given her anything except this past Sunday. I sent the following to my W this morning:

A lot of things were said on my part out of anger on Sunday that I didn't mean. I'm not asking or looking for your sympathy nor am I depressed but I feel bad enough about being out of work without you saying its my fault. It's not my fault I got laid its not like I did it on purpose. Yes it is my fault we are struggling financially. Telling me I have no desire to work is what really got to me it's not fun being out of work. Theres great times in this work and bad and I don't control any of it.
I really wish you would stop telling me how I feel because u really dont know. I don't know what's going to happen with us but I do know how I feel about u and I'm tired of and finished playing the blame game for what went wrong with us. I'm sorry for all the past crap and I'm no longer going to participate when its bought up. Its done and over with. Its time to move fwd. The marriage we had is dead. I guess we either build a new or we don't. The choice is yours. Have a nice day

I read it to my counselor and he thought it was very good. He thinks I should wait a few days and ask her what she thinks of my text. He also suggested that I tell her that I love her and that I'm willing to put in the work to create a new/ better marriage. If she fumbles around with an answer he would like me to say its a yes or no answer.

I think I left out a key part. Before I left for storm I had told my W that we couldn't live like this anymore and that I was ready to file. I think she was surprised because the day I was going to do it was the day I found out I was going on storm work so I had lots of things to do to prepare. Needless to sa y filing wasn't a priority. I had to call my W for something and the first thing she asks was how did I make out filing. When I told her I didn't go because of work she sounded relieved. I told her I would go when I got back.

I came home this past Friday didn't see my W until Sat morning. I went and got a money order to file on Sat and my W saw it on the bureau and took it. I didn't know she took it until she asked what it was for. She got pissed and went out to Church then dinner with her father. After she got home I asked her for the money order and she said you can have it as long as u replace the money in the savings u took it from. Had to tell her it came from my check that I just got.

My counselor says she knew what it was and took it because she really doesn't want a D. Maybe he's right IDK. All I know is is that I'm growing tired of all this. Thoughts?

[Am I Too Late]

Don't mind read about Why she took the money order.

It was a reaction to what you were doing. That may be all there was to it. Maybe she thought you were going to run away on a secret vacation, or that she is still concerned about the bills being paid or what you really had it for..... But, it is a reaction.

Now, about your relationship.....

I did read through your entire thread earlier today and empathize with the lack of reciprocation from your W. Tough decision that you are already leaning over the fence on for you. I wish you well. You two lead such separate social lives and although that is good for your GAL,is it not, More Of The Same, by continuing to be so independently active without each others involvement?

Ed

[leopoldstotch]

Ed I answered this in your post but I'll answer here too
Member Registered: 1Well Ed I can't force my W to do things with me it's her choice not to be with me. I can only control what I do. It makes no sense to sit around and wait for her to either make a choice to do something whether that be D me or choose to work it out. I still love her Ed but I'm slowly realizing its her choice to live in the past so that's why I have some GAL activities and I need to pick up some more. If you read what Mr Bond posted today his advice is spot on.

You are right I shouldnt mind read._____________________

[leopoldstotch]

theUF no she never explained her reactions. If she could have me work 24/7 she would. I've always told her that all I ever felt like to her was a paycheck and nothing more. She would just deny it but the proof is in the pudding.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Ed I answered this in your post but I'll answer here too
Member Registered: 1Well Ed I can't force my W to do things with me it's her choice not to be with me. I can only control what I do. It makes no sense to sit around and wait for her to either make a choice to do something whether that be D me or choose to work it out. I still love her Ed but I'm slowly realizing its her choice to live in the past so that's why I have some GAL activities and I need to pick up some more. If you read what Mr Bond posted today his advice is spot on.

You are right I shouldnt mind read._____________________

If all you are is a paycheck and nothing more... Then you have to let her go, it would be unhealthy to suggest anything different.

[Grateful]

Ed I answered this in your post but I'll answer here too
Member Registered: 1Well Ed I can't force my W to do things with me it's her choice not to be with me. I can only control what I do. It makes no sense to sit around and wait for her to either make a choice to do something whether that be D me or choose to work it out. I still love her Ed but I'm slowly realizing its her choice to live in the past so that's why I have some GAL activities and I need to pick up some more.

I can't agree with you more. I still love my W too, but she is living the past, which I admit was bad mostly due to my actions. I did say mostly, as I know that it takes two. My hardest part to GAL is knowing how bad I treated her and want to spend the rest of my life making it up to her.