Now I like that saying! "We deserve a prize for what we go through."

I think we all do get a prize in the end no matter WHAT happens.

If you get your M back-GREAT!
If you don't get your M back, but you get YOU back- EVEN GREATER!

I may sound harsh and angry on some of my posts, but heck I'm just venting another one of those "feelings" we get.

We have fear, anxiety, sadness, reflection, happiness, hopefulness and yes ANGER.

Ain't nothin' wrong with it in moderation.
Some times I'm piping mad and other times I'm very happy.

I'll take this anyday compared to the panic and aniety I lived for so long.
I longed for ONE day when I wasn't afraid ALL DAY LONG.

That day has come thankfully.

How ironic it should come now after I thought all this time that all I had to do was get my H back and I'd be fine.

I learned I was fine WITHOUT him and all this drama that has dragged on and on for 5 yrs.

I had to step out of the craziness before I could even begin to see that I AM a whole person without my H.

There does come a time when your beating a dead horse.
A light bulb comes on and flashes in your mind that you will actually be happier without this person.

It's actually very profound considering how hard we work to restore the M. You realize that even if the M is restored it's just not enough, and never will be.

In my way of feeling right now, I believe that trust has been permanately lost. That means a R with my H would be basically hell.

I'd be constantly thinking he was cheating on me nad I'd probably be right.

I can't live like that. He never showed the remorse that men show when they really want to redeem themselves.
That's because he never stopped seeing her in all this time.

I wanted to believe his lies so badly that I ignored all the signs and jumped through hoops for this man trying to make him love me. Nothing worked, yet he's never really let go.

I don't understand that part at all, but of course you can't make sense out of nonsense can you?

Anyway I'm rambling, but I really am finding my way to happiness and it feels GOOD! Rachael


Rachael