I couldn't quit thinking about this darned Christmas thing, so I had to send an email just so I could bring some closure to it and get back to work! Here's what I sent:
Quote:
This is just confusing to me, I guess we should sit down some time and discuss it. I don’t understand why you want to keep doing “family stuff” after you’ve left. It’s a while before Christmas, so we can figure that out later. I won’t be going at Thanksgiving though.
Before you start hitting me with 2x4's keep in mind that I'm ready to drop the rope. I see this as laying some groundwork for it.
Originally Posted By: 7720
What about the kids what do they want and have you taken in their feelings and thoughts?
Oh yes, absolutely! If not for the kids I would have just flat-out told her "no way". But there's a downside to constantly getting the "family" together, W and I have been together so much doing stuff for the kids that I really think it's hurting our sitch. She'll never have a chance to "miss" me (if she ever will) at this rate.
Originally Posted By: Arsene
Yeah, I guess you then become the WAS and they become the LBS. The thing is, after all this time DBing, you would know all the LBS tricks and would be very difficult to fool.
I don't think DB'ing is about tricks at all. If done properly, you transform yourself. I have done that, and I am better for it. I would LOVE to see my W go through a similar transformation. There are many 180's that she needs to do, but she has no incentive to do them because she doesn't think there's anything wrong with herself. Yes I would be able to recognize her DB'ing, but knowing what I know about DB'ing and how much work it is, she would gain my respect, admiration and love for putting forth that kind of effort to try and earn me back.
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
It’s funny that you posted this because it’s exactly how I see some of the advice/techniques I read about on this board. Tricks designed to fool our partners.
I have seen some people post what I would consider "tricks", like pretending to have a GF to hopefully bring your W back to her senses. But I would not consider that DB'ing. I can't think of anything in DR that I would consider a trick, in fact Michele warns that changes have to be permanent or the WAS will view them as tricks. She also warns that a WAS can see right through tricks and that it sets things back instead of improving things.
Originally Posted By: Arsene
The thing is,these tools are just that. Tools meant to help us get out of a rut and become better people which in turn might get our S to reconsider their position. I guess if you fake your changes you are indeed playing a dishonest game but if your changes are real and lasting, then you have a chance at building a genuine and lasting relationship.
