The Lure of the Siren

[Arsene]

this is called doing a 180 AND not fueling her negative images of you and reasons for leaving. I get it and think in general it's A MAJOR GOAL....

But it does not mean you can't learn to navigate better, without anger, so that you can anticipate a time of arrival. Someday their arrival time might matter more than merely just b/c you like to know when. What if you have plans?

Down the road when you are more detached, you might have "plans" to attend to, so then you LEAVE when she's really too late...so w has to stay with d or make arrangements b/c you can no longer take d with you, for instance.

When I dated a guy, if he was more than say, 15 min late without calling, I'd go out...sounds silly or punitive perhaps. But I was young and could not stand to wonder if I was being stood up, or made to feel as if I was "waiting". My boyfriends were rarely late.

Still, it's crucial you not come across as angry b/c of your history and how your d sees you. The lesson that "a man can change" is something SO valuable, which you are teaching your d.

That's gold, Arsene.

Yeah, I get what you're saying but the thing is in this country, people are very liberal with schedules and it's not unusual for people to be as much as an hour late. It used to drive me up the walls and I often lost it because of this so another 180 was to work on my patience so I don't really have to put it on so much anymore. I have managed to relax my expectations when it comes to schedules and to keep cool when things don't go according to the schedule. When in Rome...

Based on your history, my guess is she was "ranting" on your behalf, (and reading your mind??) so you "validating her", is hilariously ironic to me. You could be honest next time and say "I know I USED to screw my head in the ceiling about this stuff, but I finally realized, life's too short", or something like that.

I guess, "Validating" what she's saying when she thinks it's your belief, is a little weird to me. Just wondering if being open about something that's not R related, isn't a tad more productive and honest and...real...

I understand what you mean. I've had to deal with this many times since I got back here. Sometimes I think she is turning in the old me. Many things which she says or does now, are the very same things she blamed me for. I somehow don't think I needed to point it out. My action spoke louder than any word I could have spoken there. It's sure to re-occur so I might just mention it the next time.

it's a great 180 if you can afford it.

A bill around here is worth as little as .10 cents. I gave the lady the equivalent of .50 cents, which is about 20 times more than what they usually get. I'm not rich but I've realised lately that I still have a lot more than the average person around here and over the last 5 months that I've been working on this 180, I can't say I've missed the money at all. For some reason, what you give comes back to you. I was very fortunate to find the few jobs I have now which are more than sufficient to provide for my D8 at least properly, if not luxuriously.

after 15 minutes he would have called her to ask what the problem was.


Glad you don't do that^^ anymore...never speeds things up, does it?

Thanks to DB, 180s, and the fine people around here who helped me figure myself out.

What if, in her mind, she thinks that I'm moving on and that I'm happy and decides that even if she would like to come back, she should just let me go on and be happy in my new life. I know she probably feels guilty and even she might get the idea that she's not good enough for me anymore after the harm she's caused me.


Two things. First,
This^^^ is a lie a lot of LBSers tell themselves to justify more pursuit. But it's still a lie. Or do You think BECAUSE she's a pleaser, she'd return? Wouldn't that have worked by now? She knows how you feel.

Second, NO she does NOT think she's not good enough for you. She doesn't even believe your changes yet...what are you telling yourself here? Whatever guilt she feels may be real but it's NOT the same as believing you're too good for her. More like she regrets leaving her d behind and since MAYBE you've changed, she'll reconsider...LATER ON...don't hold your breath but if things are changing in her, to me, that would be why, so your analysis is flawed there for sure.

Finally,
Consider Your choices...They are to show her your pain and loneliness, which is NOT attractive, NOT DBing and NOT successful in getting reconciled.

I can't think of A single WAW who returned b/c her h fell apart needing her and clinging...

OR you can show her a man who can make it on his own, who brings something to the table, knows his value, has a life, has friends b/c he IS a good friend, etc. In short,

A man that only a fool would leave, is NOT a miserable man.

He does not pretend that showing her a desparate lonely person "proves" his love for her. Your misery is not an index of love for her.

It only shows weakness and need. It's a turn off.

Stay strong. Remember faithisbelieving ("FIB") had a motto. I THINK he shared it with others and Denver may have picked up on it.

Strength and honor. Live by it, and you won't go wrong.

Thanks 25. You are probably right. I'm terrible at reading people and a lot of what I'm doing now seems very "wrong". It feels like I'm sabotaging myself by refusing to be her friend and be there for her. I've noticed that although I've been saying that I follow LRT to a T, I've been way too available and I haven't been the one ending the conversation all the time. If we do get into another conversation, I'll make a point to be there for her for a bit and then find a reason to end it.

I know what you're saying about not showing her a weak, sad, pleading man. I managed to get over of that one a while ago. I also believe that showing strength is better no matter what. I'm just not sure what to expect out of this right now.