I am 8 months into a separation with my H. I just consulted with a divorce attorney (only to discuss my rights and concerns) and wonder if you guys think I should tell H. He seems content to cake eat while my life is in limbo. Divorce has never been an option for me and I don't think I would ever actually file, I just wonder if you think I might need to rattle his chain a little. I have alway been the submissive wife and I think this would definitely get his attention. What do you think?
I just wonder if you think I might need to rattle his chain a little. I have alway been the submissive wife and I think this would definitely get his attention. What do you think?
I think that this is not about YOU and your relationship but all about him. Have strong boundaries but if you EXPECT that something you do is going to change him then you will be disappointed.
He needs to decide that he is going to change, filing for divorce will get you divorced, if thats what you want then DO it.
I am not an expert but my gut says be careful what you wish for or try to trigger -- you might just get it. Our sitches are different, but I know from my own W on any given day if I offered a D or hinted at it, I have a 50/50 chance of her taking me up on it on the spot. I am planning on pursuing the DB process and allowing for as much time and space as she needs.
Quite frankly, I like being able to focus on me a little and making improvements to me has been helping my self confidence and also allowing me to look at things through a different light.
I wish you the best on your sitch but hope you think this through carefully so you are prepared for any possible outcomes once you start the process.
W: 40 Me: 44 M: 12 years Together: 14 Three children (S-4, D-3, S-1) EA started in April, discovered in 07/12 ILYBNILWY: 07/12 MC Started: 09/12 Patience Tested: 1,245,963 times since 07/12
I am 8 months into a separation with my H. I just consulted with a divorce attorney (only to discuss my rights and concerns) and wonder if you guys think I should tell H.
Not sure what your sitch is, but if your H is MLC then if you tell him you're consulting a L he may fly into a rage. I don't know why, but despite all their talk about D, MLCers can go totally nuts when it's thrown back in their face.
Quote:
Divorce has never been an option for me and I don't think I would ever actually file, I just wonder if you think I might need to rattle his chain a little.
If you don't want D then don't threaten it because as the others responded you may get your wish. However, 8 months is a long time to sit in limbo. If there's been zero progress in that time and your goal is reconciliation then you do need to shake things up. You might consult with a DB coach to get some ideas.
" I just wonder if you think I might need to rattle his chain a little."
If this^^^is what you REALLY want than do it. Otherwise becareful of what you ask for. I did that and guess what, I'm divorced. Think very carefully. Have you read the DB book? Do you want to save this M?.Do you have children? Is he having an affair?
And you should not tell him about your consultation with a L. What are some of his complaints about you? This takes time and change on your part. keep posting so we get to know you
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Tra, You've been given excellent advice. Eight months is a very short time to be on the mlc path. So, I'm going to share some information w/you. If you make a threat, you better follow through because if you don't, the mlcer will never believe anything that comes out of your mouth again.
Actions always speak louder than words w/an mlcer. Set your boundaries and stick to them. You do not need to warn your h that you are setting them, just do it.
Do not use tactics that will "rattle" his cage. Generally they will backfire on you big time. You can't fix him, because you didn't break him. You do not have any control over him, but you do have control over you and how you deal w/this situation.
BTW, this is his crisis and you are now on his timeclock. The mlc clock is extremely slow. So, while it is ticking away, this is a good time to turn the focus back on to you, your family and be sure to protect your assets. The mlcer generally will tell you want you want to hear and promise you the moon...bottom line if they lips, they are lying. They become very selfish and self-absorbed while in crisis and believe me, they will do whatever they can not to give you what you are entitled to. They become stingy misers when it comes to money for you and the family.
No, you do not tell your h that you've been to a lawyer. Whatever information that you receive is to be kept close to the vest and not shared w/him. The same would apply from whatever advice/info you receive here as well as any books that you read.
If you don't want a divorce and want to stand for a while, then don't threaten or speak the divorce word. Sit quietly, be patient and the answers will come.
It's a very long, difficult road to travel w/lots of bumps, potholes and turns. Buckle up and get ready for the ride of your life.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Rick, To answer your questions and maybe give a little more information about my sich. My H and I have been married 17.5 years but been together 25. We were high school sweethearts. He says the trouble started a couple years ago when we decided against him accepting a promotion in another state. Of course he blames me, but I thought it was a mutual decision. Last year the subject came up again and I sort of questioned whether I was ready to move or not. He took this to mean I was not supportive. After that he says he began to withdraw from us. I didn't realize the distance until that summer. I could do nothing right. The time I spent with kids was too much. The house was not clean enough. We didn't go out with friends. You name it. Last fall he began an EA with a woman he works closely with at the ballpark our kids play at. He is the president of the board there and she is the "b in charge" her words not mine. We had been friends in the past. I can't prove a PA, but it wouldn't surprise me. I have seen emails with inappropriate pictures in them. This Valentine's Day I got the bomb drop. ILYBINILWY. March 16th he moved out. Since that time I have had a roller coaster of a ride. I felt like I was drowning at first and did all the wrong things. That lasted about a month. Since then I have been in counseling and have learned a lot about myself. I am truely GAL. I have friends like I never had before. I am more busy than I have ever been. It's actually a refreshing change as far as my growth is concerned and I have actually thanked God for allowing me to go through this to open my eyes to what I was becoming. My kids D15,S12,and D7 are doing as good as can be expected. Their dad is spending time with them pretty frequently. He coaches my son's football team so we see him almost everyday right now. He has the 2 youngest every other weekend. The oldest makes excuses so she doesn't have to go. She is very angry. As far as my relationship is concerned, H and I get along great. Most of the people in the community don't even know we are having problems. If we are in the same place, he usually ends up beside me. We talk on the phone, when he calls, for an hour at the time. This is where the frustration comes in. If you can tolerate me that much, then why on earth can't you at least make an effort to get help. Meeting with the lawyer gave me peace of mind. I'm glad I went. I had decided not to tell him even without the advice. If there is anything I have learned through all of this it is not to react hastily. You have time to think so do it. Most of the time I talk myself out of things before I make a mistake. This has definitely been a learning experience. God has given me strength like I never knew I had. I am more committed to my marriage than I thought I could be. It's a crazy ride but for now I'm just holding for dear life and hoping for the best. I hope that means reconciliation, but who knows what God has in store.
Quick question. Just wondering if H MLC can send the LBS into a MLC of her own? I am contemplating things I never thought I would. Getting a tattoo for example. Just trying to GAL I guess.
I don't think a spouses MLC can trigger our own. It is possible that we could have one though, which would happen whether the S had one or not.
Through this process, you will get to know you in ways you never thought were possible.
Personally, I got a couple tattoos. Not that I had NEVER considered one before but I had always managed to talk myself out of it for one reason or another. Usually my fear of needles was the deciding factor. A while after my MLC bomb, I decided that fear or not, I wasn't letting it stop me from something I wanted.
Have you read about MLC? Do you understand it?
What questions do you have about it?
Understanding the monster that is MLC, is very helpful in navigating the limbo.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I've gotten two tattoos since my H started his crisis. I have to admit, I feel a sense of empowerment and a little more sexy. i love mine. But realize, it does hurt. :o)
