you know- i can't figure out why i have somuch trouble finding you. i thought i made you a "favorite" or watched person - but i did something wrong- areyou able to tell me how i go about making a list of watched people so you appear easily somewhere?
duhhh-hate to be such a dope - can't seem to work this thing.
anyway- i couldn't find you today- so i'm just writing here.
hope your day is going well- and glad you're feeling stronger. boy are you correct - about this place reeling one in from the edge. today i'm wondering what would be so bad about going over the edge??? iknow i'd be poor and lonely- but i'm thinking this is a crummie half-life - sad & creepy kind of life- and i'm selilng myself short. i don't have anything better to be doing- or anyone to be doing it with- but it seems pretty pitiful and icky to spend this much time in the life of someone who can say he wants less of me in his life.
why exactly would this guy fly up to nj to fetch me down here- ?/??? anyway. so wierd i can't even make up theories any more. now, is that an improvement or not??? one wonders- forever i've only seen the best in him- now i see lies or nothing. that is really sad- seeing nothing.
i was thinking it this a.m. on my walk- can't even imagine the "good" motivation anymroe. oh well
gong to do something creative- that will make me feel lots better. painted my sunhat becaue it was getting grubby (lt pink) and need a hat alllll the ti me down here. me- white, white, white & freakles & red hair - blue eyes. can you tell i do not tan???
had tons of fun with baby yesterday- we walked for a couple hours- she ran around a hell of alot- i was surprised she could go for so long and wanted to. she remembered all teh highlights of the neighborhood (giant lawn/drainige place outside L>A> fitness - which we call the valley7 & the mountains. it's deep - she loves running down in the bottom- down sharply sloping grassy "hills" for about 50' or so- man, are kids ever funny & easy to please. ; the pools & waterfalls outside the mai kai restaurant; a block long stretch of "forest" (grass with a few tall pines here and there ABOUT 25 ft. wide and a block long between neighborhoods- the canal & ducks, etc. il aughed like mad. no one can figure out what she's talking about with mountains and valleys & forest.
it made me tired and kept me totally distracted in a pleasant way7. yay- one more day thru without folding, jumping, or anything dr4amatic.
i'm feeling wierdly resigned today- if this man is who he seems to be (now) - he is not a man i admire or (maybe) can love. don't know which way this all is going- will continue to float if i can - or he tips me over - or i fall off the "falls". I may not have a raft right near by- or a life preserver on- but i think i can float long enough to get to a shore.
story of my life huh??? oh well- i'm off to chop up an old cashmere sweater and make a teddy bear from it. totall no-plan, enjoyment activity. ta da.....
hang in there- one of these (years) we'll chat about this all and laugh (ya think???) - fingers crossed and do not jump today. that is all we've got to do- stay in place one more day- xxoo (((( ))))
i can't find your tread to look- i'll go try again tho.
