i know, it is a problem pulling yourself back (in) from the brink. i think i have several "brinks" going- i find myself more and more contemplating the sort of person this h is- and i wonder if he is just a bad person - to be able to be so un-compassionate and able to deal out such bad treatment and hurt - for so long- i'm thinking that not only is he possibly not the man i thought he was- maybe he is not even a person i want to know, much less be involved with.
my heart is somehow still "engaged" - i am not "free" of him yet0- but i keep thinking if i knew back when i met him what i know about him now- lying- cheating- i don't think i would ever have allowed myself to become involved - much less in love. it's a wierd/sad thing- this "love" bit. i cannot see if it will persist and prevail- or if it's sooooo damaged that he has killed my heart (for him anyway).
bubble bath a good idea- i need some tho. playing with my neice's baby (3.5 yrs ) is my particular "cure" when in fl. she's soooo funny & full of love & life- i cannot resist and just let myself go and float off into baby-land. keeps me sane when i'm able-
thanks for response- good luck and hang in there (i gfuess) i'm wondering sometimes WHY exactly i do hang in there- is it habit or do i still feel "it" is worth something? no answer to taht either- but i do notice that when i lay awake worrying about this junk- it seems less long and my actual PAIN is not there like before- i'm becoming dulled to it - death of something here- question is - WHAT EXACTLY?????
I am so floating down the river - with nothing on either side to grab onto - I ALMOST feel like i'm watching now- as it all unfolds - and my sheer powerlessness is not so dramatic & painful like before. (at least this moment- no promise of being cured here)
i'm just this person- watching this crappyy little life/drama unfold- and wondering where it goes. i kind of have a sad feeling it all ends with never seeing his face again- at some point - maybe waaay down theline- maybe not. how else could it? really?
he doesn't get it that every single day he has ow and i know it- he may as well wake me up with a slap on the head and a sign saying "you are crap to me". unfortunately- i'm not to me or the rest of the world (one hopes) . he thinks if i am alive in his space and he doesn't say it- and i don't say it- it's not there. foolish man - he only sees what he wants & needs - it will be his huge-est mistake. oh well- i guess he's floating along in his own torrent and there we have it!!!!
No snare like folly no torrent like greed no shark like hatred no flame like lust
is that the proverb i'm thinking of?
God, i hate it when i'm philosophical & think we're all alike- and possibly all ONE. IT'S EASier by far to just judge & be mad. wah wah-
