Just wanted to update on progress: there has been some which I'm happy about. I'm writing here now, though, so that I don't screw up the good work which has been done so far, because what's missing is the emotional connection and intimacy and closeness we had. I also feel a little sad today, just missing the real H. He still looks at me when he's talking to me but through his mood and the pot haze and all, I can't see the truly loving looks I was getting a few weeks ago, and it's crushing. I don't know how to act sometimes when we're eating together and there's no R or M to talk about. Not bringing up the future, or the holidays, or anything M-ish is tough to do!
I am grateful that he's now sleeping inside (on the couch, but it's baby steps)... he also made me a really nice dinner the other night and has been spending some home time with me just hanging out. I am being loving in my actions to him, just not in my words right now. (Like no saying ILY). The hardest part I think has been not asking any questions about what his plan is, does he still want to leave or not, etc. and not talking about the M! The other difficult thing is that he's still not wearing his ring. Sometimes this is next to impossible. I always like to have answers and the not knowing is ridiculously hard. However, I'm still reading DR and DBing and doing 180s, and GAL....as far as I have learned, asking about the M is off limits right now.
I don't see evidence of any OW right now, aside from one text from a coworker of his that has been all over him since she started working with him. She texted him something yestersay like "got your VM - sounds good". Which could be about work, or something else. I don't want to obsess on it, but it is bothering me because I can't confront him or ask about it. And I know we're not supposed to be checking messages but I'm doing so many things, I'm finding it hard not to want to know what he's doing sometimes. I don't know if I can deal with another A. Sometimes I feel like it's just too much. On a positive note, I'm not convinced he is starting one, I'm just hypersensitive right now.
I don't think anyone is actually reading these at this point, but I just wanted to journal a little bit about positive progress being made, so it's ok. Although my H is still sort of withdrawn and we're not sleeping in our bed together, the ring is still off, etc - things continue to get better and that is what I'm focusing on. Today he made me lunch and we joked around and I kept it light. He also brought me some cookies from his job today. If I wasn't DBing and reading this BB and the book, and paying attention to these little signs of progress - I'd be missing all of it. Today I feel happy, I'm focusing on myself and what I need to get done. I'm treating him like a friend that I love, and not reading too much into his moods (it seems like he's just really sad). These little signs are encouraging to me to keep up what I've been doing, especially for me and for my sanity. I love this man so much and I don't like to see him suffering, but I'm also keeping my head up and protecting myself enough unless I see more signs that he's coming back for good. Just wanted to throw that out there...
I guess one q I have would be if I'm doing the right thing by not asking him to sleep in the bed with me? I have read this type of confusion before here, and it might sound a little backwards, but do I need to let him know he can come back into the bed, or just leave him alone until he decides (if he decides) to sleep with me on his own? Things have been so positive compared to the previous weeks, that I feel like maybe I should take some of the pressure off of him. On the other hand, I never asked him not to sleep in our bed, I'm just going on with my life and not mentioning it. He does realize we're married, and that I'm not going to tell him no, if he decides to come back. I guess I can't tell yet if he's just being stubborn, doesn't want to, or is hurt by me. Or all of them. I don't want to undo all the good progress we've made, but sometimes it's a delicate balance in knowing when to offer your hand and when to just nod and smile for a while. Thanks...
I haven't had a chance to read your entire thread, but wanted to give my thoughts based on your last post.
If he left the bed on his own, he can return on his own. Leave the door open (literally) as an invitation. However, I don't think I'd bring it up to him. This could be seen as pressure.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Hi, you're probably right, Someguy. I think I just needed to validate that. Besides I don't want to jump the gun and have him flip flop or something. I'm actually feeling really good due to some changes I'm making, so why put more pressure on anything? Thanks for stopping in.
Can anyone relate to this? Or what do you do in these types of situations?
Things have been better, and I'm grateful for that. Today H and I hung out a little bit together and he made me breakfast and he took me to look at a car he thought I'd like. I'm doing some work today on my computer but he's mostly been here and we've been spending time together. I'm extremely cautious because I'm hurting a lot inside. And it's still weird and a little awkward for me (probably for him too). He's not giving much in the way of emotion, although he is paying attention to me and bringing up the majority of our small talk.
The part I'm having trouble with is the no real connection thing. It's like we're two friends hanging out and I find it difficult today to pretend. I've been doing really well and keeping mute about all of these things I want to talk about - and its probably one of the hardest things I've had to do in this M!
There's nothing wrong per se, I just don't know how to act except to 'act as if' I'm ok, to keep doing what I'm doing and not go there with any qs right now. I so badly want to ask what his plan is - is he still moving out? Is he staying? Does he *%$ love me anymore? This feels like a big mind screw, and luckily I can write about it here as opposed to saying or doing something I'll regret.
We don't say ILY this past few weeks, there's no hugging, sleeping together, nothing. Usually by now we'd have been at least touching or holding hands. We were always interacting somehow. Now it's like a big 0.
Tomorrow will be better I'm sure, it always is. I think part of it is I don't feel well today, so I'm finding it tough to keep up the appearance that all is ok. I feel weak and vulnerable today and I don't like it.
So I've been going out a lot, 180ing, connecting with other people, doing good things for myself, etc. Tonight I was supposed to go out and I'm just not sure I'm up for it physically. I may have to force myself!
I've been reading this BB religiously, and I see myself in so many of you. (Not so much the veterans just yet!) I see that we're all mainly looking for the same things in our Rs and in our Ms. And we all feel pretty much the same way when that's threatened. We all have to keep putting the focus on ourselves. Today don't feel like doing it, but I'll still doing it.
I know he's in there somewhere, I just know it. I feel like he does still love me, or at least that's what I'd like to believe. I just find this whole thing very confusing on days like today.
Am I missing anything - is there anything else I should be doing?
Can it really feel this bad and then one day quite possibly swing the other way and become better than it was?
How do you give yourself strength and patience on days when you have none?
I would love some feedback or input on this - is it normal to feel this awkward as things slowly begin to get better? Things are continuing to improve in that we're spending a lot more time together, and talking more (about everything but us and our M right now - I'm not bringing it up!). Last night I went out for a bit, and then when I came home we went to dinner and the movies together. He's also been doing things for me that are more future oriented. He mentioned yesterday that we wanted to give me some money towards my next car, since I'm looking to get one. I almost fell over! Today we spent a little time together before he had to work.
The part I don't understand is why he's still not wearing his ring or sleeping in our bed. It makes me feel like maybe he isn't attracted to me right now, or isn't in love right now. I don't know. I feel like in a way he wants to sleep in the bed with me, but as I posted here a couple of days ago, I don't know that me encouraging him coming back to the bedroom when it was his choice to sleep on the couch, (and to say he was leaving me) is such a great idea....
I wouldn't call us "piecing" because I thought that was when you verbalized wanting to be together. So are we pre-piecing? I don't know what this is. I'm just being nice and giving him all the room he might want to think things out, without any pressure. I'm still focusing on me and what I need to do for me and to be better in regards to our M than I had been. No unnecessary qs, no asking about us or how he feels, no confrontation of any kind. It just feels sad to me sometimes that we haven't held hands or slept together in almost a month. I don't know if there's something I should be doing in addition to what I'm doing? It's like dating all over again, trying to read the signs of a new love interest, seriously. It's odd!
If anyone can relate or understands this - I'd love to hear your experience.
I wouldn't call us "piecing" because I thought that was when you verbalized wanting to be together. So are we pre-piecing?
Sure, that's a good way to think about it. I think you're doing the right things, just keep DB'ing and giving him space, let him pursue while you hold your position. Are you familiar with the squirrel analogy? It's like you're trying to feed a squirrel, you have to hold perfectly still with the food and let him come to you. If you make a sudden move towards him he will freak out and scurry right back up the tree. So just stand like a statue (stick with DB'ing, GAL, PMA) and let him come to you ever so slowly. You cannot speed the process up.
Quote:
I'm just being nice and giving him all the room he might want to think things out, without any pressure. I'm still focusing on me and what I need to do for me and to be better in regards to our M than I had been. No unnecessary qs, no asking about us or how he feels, no confrontation of any kind.
This is EXACTLY what you should do!! Nice work, stick with it
Quote:
It just feels sad to me sometimes that we haven't held hands or slept together in almost a month. I don't know if there's something I should be doing in addition to what I'm doing?
No. Remember the squirrel! This isn't the time to lose patience.
Quote:
It's like dating all over again, trying to read the signs of a new love interest, seriously. It's odd!
Yes! That's it exactly And like when you're dating, you get the best results if you refrain from pursuing, be coy, show some interest but not a lot, act "as if" your life will be fine with or without him.
AnotherStander I really like the squirrel analogy. If only we could remove our emotions sometimes!
I was doing so well up until later today (wish I had seen your post then!)
.... I feel like I backslid a bit today. All was good, we went out for breakfast this a.m., we were getting along great, went to buy some electronics after...and when he handed me his new phone to check it out a little, I was looking around on it and saw a name of a girl that I had remembered had called him last week. I know who she is, and she's around our age. I never saw her # again after that time, but her # is programmed in there with her name, along with some other people I didn't recognize. Anyway, I almost didn't say anything but ended up mentioning it and asked who she was. He said something like, she's that new older woman that I told you about that works for my company now. I told him I thought she was our age, and he said no she wasn't. I said 'so you guys chat?' and he said 'yeah we spoke once, what about it?' I dropped it immediately because I realized what I was doing but I was upset because I feel like he's not telling the truth about it for whatever reason. I also felt like I didn't have the right to ask, although he's my H. I don't know that there's anything going on, but I happen to know there's a girl that works there with the exact name who's our age. So it threw me.
I tried to forget it, and to focus on what we were doing, but it brought back all the lies he had told me months ago before I found out about his A. My mood changed substantially and I really didn't want it to, so I got up to go look at some other merchandise and breathe a little. When I came back, he handed me the phone again to look at it some more. I declined and he asked why. I jokingly said something like 'I really don't want to see any more." I shifted my mood as much as I could after that, but I've felt rejected the rest of today. My fault I suppose, but I'm not perfect. And this DBing and PMA is next level work for sure.
I feel like all of this is still on his terms, and most days I'm ok with it and in just letting him come around on his own. But for the rest of the afternoon I had an empty feeling in my stomach that was a reminder of how much work I have to do on me. Not to mention that he's still for some reason very distant physically. It's confusing because as much as I feel like we're making genuine progress, "my dark side" says he's prob having an A, if he wasn't, he'd be back in the bed by now. He prob wants to play the field and if he comes back he'll feel guilty. I'm driving myself mad today with this.
When he left for work I was doing some dishes, and he didn't say goodbye which made me sad.
All I can do is continue to focus on me. I just have knots in my stomach right now and all I want to do is cry! I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but sometimes this is next to impossible.
