About 2 1/2 years ago I had a one nighter on my friends bachelor party. I could only keep it from her for about 2 weeks because I felt so bad inside.
Did you apologize for this? That's a pretty serious breach of trust.
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She dived full force into it (the book and C) while I didn't at all because I hated seeing her cry so my approach was I don't want to talk about it.
That's where your problems started I suspect. She worked hard to save the M while you did nothing. Imagine what kind of message you were sending to her.
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Tho that was when we were pregnant with our 1 year old so I know hormones played a part in it.
You were doing drugs which she hated, she was working hard on the M while you did nothing, and you had had an affair. And you think it was hormones? Think again.
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I thought things were going ok
In DR under the WAW chapter Michele talks about how the W keeps trying to reach out to the H to fix the M but the H sees it as nagging and withdraws. This is exactly what you're describing. The W eventually gives up and quits trying to reach out and starts making her plans to escape the M. The H thinks everything is fine because his W has quit nagging him. He is surprised when he gets the BD. So, you may have been surprised, but she was likely planning it for quite some time.
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then about a month before she dropped the bomb my job got so slow I barly was working and there was 3 straight weekends where we went out and I got into bar fights. When she dropped the bomb it really took me by surprise
You got in fights 3 weekends in a row and then were surprised about BD? Wow!
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because she has never been a quitter
She didn't quit. You did. She's acting to protect herself.
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When she dropped the bomb I really took a step back and looked at my life and how I lived it and treated her, my kids, myself. And I was really sadened by what I saw. So I have stopped smoking, I clean non stop, and had gotten a new job but was laid off about a month ago.
Well that's a start. But you have to understand, you cannot compensate for years of bad behavior by doing good behavior for a week or two. You've got to take stock of ALL your problems, do 180's on those problems, and most importantly- stick to the 180's for a long period of time. Initially she won't believe your 180's are legit, she'll think you're doing it just to get her back and then will revert to old behavior. So you've got to stick with it and be very patient.
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Since then she has continually said to give her space, and we would try but we both ended up back at home.
Right now you have got to give her all the time and space you can. Stick to your 180's and be there for her when she reaches out to you for emotional support, but give her space to sort through her thoughts and emotions.
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And up until a few days ago I was checking phone recordes, her bank account, calling her out on any liitle thing thought was suspisous which just pushed her away because everytime ishe would prove me wrong.
I hope you've stopped all that. You are right, it pushed her away.
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So I guess now that I wrote a book I'm wondering what do I do from here, since I just started to read DBing and am only 60 some pages in I don't know what techniques to use.
You've had it 3 days and have only read 60 pages? How serious are you about this? Most of us devoured it in one evening sitting and then went back and started reading it a 2nd time right away.
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I feel like by not talking or texting her and by giving her space I'm letting her walk away.
No, you're giving her space which is exactly what she asked for.
Sorry if any of the above comes off as a bit harsh, but you've really behaved very poorly in your M and you need to understand it's going to take many months of hard work to undo the damage. This is going to be the hardest work of your life, hopefully you're done being irresponsible and are now willing to step up and put the work in. Good luck.
