yes i see everytime i try to pin him down, he evades i need to give him the space to come to me as someone else said it's like handfeeding squirrels
i AM a pursuer and i recognise that it's the "fear of losing the connection" or how far we had come recently that makes me put my hand in the fire but i am going to leanback on the whale now.
this will probably be my last post until i am back on Sunday.
PLANS - respond w similar words to any texts from H - no initiating - focus on ME - no texts w hooks - no R talk/texts
Accuray posted this to me a long time ago and this is our exact scenario - it's not pursue/distance dance, it's something else
I'm putting it here to remind me
Originally Posted By: Accuray
Here are my observations if they help:
You have a great need for connection and reassurance, as I'm sure you've realized.
H does not feel "safe" around you, because unintentional missteps on his behalf cause you to go off, get sad, and make him feel badly for what he has "done to you".
He probably feels he's walking on eggshells, and he outright tells you that he's scared to tell you when he makes plans that don't involve you because of how you are going to react.
It's very important to men to make their wives happy, proud of them, and to be good providers. When you react the way you do, he interprets that he has upset you and it makes him feel shame, and that physically releases cortisol in his brain which makes him feel badly -- physically and emotionally.
Just as you protect yourself by "going dark", he protects himself by caving and not responding, he is trying to avoid feeling shame for coming up short against your expectations.
What often happens in these situations is that he will come to view you as insatiable -- that nothing he does is ever enough, and for anything he gives, more will be expected. In that context, the only rational solution is to withdraw, because otherwise you'll be consumed.
The truth of the matter, however, is that you are NOT insatiable.
Think of it like hunger -- if you're a little hungry, it doesn't matter much in terms of how you act. Someone would be happy to share their snack with you. If, on the other hand, you haven't eaten anything in 4 days, your behavior is going to be radically altered -- you're going to be ravenous, and will be doing anything you can to find food and eat. Someone who encounters you in that state would be less likely to want to share their snack because your hunger may scare them, and they'd be pretty sure you'd eat it all and shake them upside down to get more. What they don't realize, however, is that if they just feed you a little bit with enough frequency, then you won't be a hungry person at all, your behavior will be different because you won't have this hole to fill.
In your case, you are literally starved for H's attention and reassurance, so you are tempted to pursue getting it with a vengeance. When he gives you the slightest bit, you see hope of satisfying your hunger and will push for more. This scares him and he runs away because he doesn't realize that your hunger has an end, it's not infinite as it appears to him.
This is a relationship trap, but it's not quite the same as "pursuer/distancer" like Labug referenced (either that or it is the same, but very extreme).
In any case, the only way that I have found out of this trap is that you both need to take a leap of faith. You have to believe that if you temporarily suspend your hunger, that over time you will be fed. H has to believe that if he feeds you a little now, that you can be totally and completely satisfied with that, and will not instantly parlay it into more demands.
So the way it starts is that you need to temporarily lower your expectations / needs such that any effort he makes with you is "good enough", and he needs to temporarily try to pay more attention to you than he would otherwise (as he was trying to do before his sailing trip). The goal for both of you is to keep it "low key" for now, be forgiving, and don't either of you let your emotions begin to spiral.
If he's texting you every day and then skips three days, he's going to be scared to death that if he texts you again, you're going to unload on him. You need to make it "safe" for him to text you on the 4th day, that you will be happy with that contact, and that you will not mention or be bothered by the gap *for now*.
It will NOT work to try to lower your expectations longer term -- your needs are your needs, but if this is going to work, you need to work into a new equilibrium with fewer consequences. If you can get into a mode where your "attention tank" is 80% full most of the time versus 10% full most of the time, H will think he's living with a different woman and everything will be easier for him too. The road to get there, however, is littered with Catch-22's and peril.
That's what I've learned about the sitch and it is NOT easy to navigate, it will take commitment and discipline on both your parts if you want it to work.
