The green green grass of home

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Turtlegirl, I am going to put some up but just the ones i can do myself. Usually we have windows, grass, roof and fences done and usually add more every year. Im going to do the ones that i can do but I'm not doing the roof. It usually takes H all day to complete the roof. We will still decorate inside as well. I think i just don't want it the same way this year.

I just heard a song and H used to like it but i noticed he kept turning it off, every time it came on in the weeks before he left.

What a night for a dance, you know I'm a dancing machine
With the fire in my bones, and the sweet taste of kerosene
I get lost in the light, so high don't wanna come down
To face the loss of the good thing, that I have found

In the dark of the night I can hear you calling my name
With the hardest of hearts I still feel full of pain
So I drink and I smoke and I ask you if your ever around
Even though it was me who drove us right in the ground

See the time we shared it was precious to me
But all the while I was dreaming of revelry

Gonna run baby run like a stream down a mountainside
With the wind at my back I won't ever even bat an eye
Just know it was you all along who had a hold of my heart
But the demon in me was the best of friends from the start

So the time we shared it was precious to me
All the while I was dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry

And I told myself for the way you go, it rained so hard it felt like snow
Everything came tumbling down on me
In the back of the woods in the dark of the night
Palest of the old moonlight
Everything just felt so incomplete

Dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry


I don't know that it means anything but i thought it was interesting.

I changed MY bedroom around tonight. It feels so much better in here now.

We will be okay and we will have a great Christmas,.. A great, hard, fun and probably emotional Christmas.

"Faith is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to go on when fear is present".


It's just so strange because things had been improving over the last year, At least i had already started working on me. I had realised a few things and had been making more of an effort.
things were just starting to be better financially and he choose to leave.

We have been good co-parents but H has not helped out much at all financially. He is more interested in buying himself new clothes and what ever else. He did take the nearly paid off debt. I was left with a $600 Christmas layby and overdue house expenses. Whatever reasons he had for leaving, That is not fair. He keeps telling me he will pay for this or that but rarely does, something always "Comes up" but then he buys things for him and the children.

I don't think he will ever be the man i deserve,.. at least not for me,..

The strangest thing is that SOOO many people have said that i have never looked better. I try to appear okay but a lot of the times i am falling to pieces on the inside but yet i look better than ever? Go figure,...