The crack in my separated life...

[Accuray]

Hi Sweetbriar,

You need to try to train yourself not to spin out these scenarios, you are torturing yourself. I will answer a couple of your questions based on my own experience, but you're better off not worrying about these things right now if you can help it.

I was thinking tonight..kinda fantasizing..that if he ever did come home would he be able to break the friendship that he had with OW?

Yes, affairs are based on fantasy, and eventually reality intrudes. When the fantasy is broken and the "real people" come to light, neither of them are perfect, and they will have the same compatibility challenges that most people have, plus the added shame and stigma of being "affair partners". That is distasteful and embarrassing for both of them, and there is definitely motivation to try and forget the whole thing...eventually. It can take a *long time* to get there, but that's usually how things go. I'm not aware of anyone who has staying a "long term friend" of a former affair partner.

In my W's case, the OM cut all contact (like you're supposed to do to end an affair). W was extremely hurt, grieved for a long time, and mainly took it out on me. Eventually, however, she finished grieving and saw the relationship for what it was -- wrong and a fantasy. At that point, she was more or less embarrassed by it and just wanted it to go away.

I mean, I know they are having an affair, but do the MLCers get scared of what will happen if that new friendship is no longer in their lives?

Yes! Everyone is afraid of being alone. That's why they go find an affair partner rather than confronting you with their troubles to begin with. If you don't respond favorably to their complaints, they're afraid they'll be alone. This fear definitely can prolong an affair, but if that's the only motivation it's lost its magic.

He had told me in the past that she is so good to him and of course, that he loves her and she cares for him. Why would he leave all that?

Because it's not real -- they don't *really* know each other. They haven't seen the proverbial sink full of dirty dishes. If she was the catch of the year, would she be hanging out in a bar trying to hook up with married men? She's not that great. He's blinded himself to the bad, but deep down he knows it's there. He's just going to deny it for as long as he can.

I actually think that my H is in this relationship more for the emotional part than the physical..its just how he has always been...I mean, I know they are physical..but he clings to anyone who will give him positive attention.

I would say that's always the case. I don't think you'll find anyone posting on this sight because their spouse has purely physical one-nighters with different people. It's always a long term emotional connection that does the most damage. Honestly, the physical really doesn't matter that much other than the horrible mental images it gives us. Even without the physical, the emotional is just as painful.

One more thing..H thinks that everyone is against him and that everywhere he goes in our town that he is being looked at because of what he did. Of course, this is not true, but I feel like that is another thing that would stop him from ever coming back. I feel like he would be too ashamed...are they ever able to get over that feeling of shame and guilt when they come out of this?

You're looking at it backwards -- the guilt and shame comes from *NOT* coming back. Everyone would like to see him make amends. That's the path out of shame, not into it.

What *can* keep them from coming back is if they believe that you will never forgive them, will throw it in their face for the rest of their lives, and forever hold it over their heads. They envision that every time you have a disagreement, you will say "well at least I didn't cheat on you!". That's why you have to train yourself NOT TO GO THERE. You must not do or say things that make him resent you more.

One of the most powerful things you can do is to normalize without condoning. For instance, "look, I understand how you got involved with this -- your needs weren't being met. Everyone enjoys attention from the opposite sex, everyone likes to feel special." That's not saying that what he did was okay, but you're acknowledging that you understand how it can happen. When you can demonstrate your capacity to understand, they can believe that you can forgive. I would NOT go rushing out and send H a text or an e-mail like this right now. You need to wait until he's willing to engage with you with some degree of openness and you're not there yet.

Sweetbriar, people can and do move beyond affairs. If H came back tomorrow, however, you'd be in for at least 12-18 months of difficulty and pain, piecing holds many of it's own challenges, it's the starting line, not the finish line. *Eventually* however you can move beyond it. How do you get there? You have to be a spouse that only a fool would leave. When you know that you are an *expert* at meeting your H's needs and have dealt with your own issues, your H's happiness and satisfaction with the marriage will provide you with all the reassurance you need, and you will spend zero time thinking about this day to day.

You need to figure out what that marriage looks like -- not only for him but for you. You are responsible to teach your partner how to meet YOUR needs, and to explain it explicitly and not to expect mind reading. There is a journey there, but once you're educated, it's very empowering because you know you have what it takes to make it work. Once you're there, it doesn't matter if H comes back or not, because YOU have the tools to have a successful relationship with whomever you choose to have one with.

Accuray