WAS vs. LBS

[AJM]

I'm impressed CV. I'm also a little worried. I see a dramatic change in your posts/thoughts. That's both impressive and worrisome at the same time to me. But it also highlights what I was trying to tell you about perspective vs. view. Your attitude seems to have changed and in turn your perspective on things did too. I think that's a key.

There's a thought process amongst counselors that says that if you deal with your perspective first, your problems seem much more easily dealt with. They become less of a mountain and more of a mole hill. That carries through to marriage as well. If you work on the connection, then you can both deal with the issues in a less panicked state of mind

I think it would be a good thing for you to plan more of the getaways. More chances to recharge.

As for this:

How do I make it SAFE FOR ME to venture back in?

Work at it. Know that it doesn't just happen, but you have to work on it. Always remember that there are two imperfect people that WANT to work it out in the best way possible. You want your husband to be strong, but you want to be independent - oops - self sufficient. You may be surprised that he wants both as well, but may see himself as the leader in the relationship. When he doesn't feel that way, he may get confused and "act out". That all happens at a very deep level because we can be wired that way. From your posts, I think that's a possible part of the dynamic.

I believe in the idea about dealing with the connection of man and wife before dealing with the issues, communication, etc. That makes a lot more sense to me than the mechanics and it would be more honest in many aspects.

In short, I don't think it's the actions that will help you answer your questions. I don't think it's a recipe concocted by a bunch of experts that look scientifically at the problem and make broad suggestions for how to handle things. I think the divorce rate would back me up on that belief. I think a good honest connection and a reality based approach to imperfections of each other would be more beneficial at this point. You do seem to be understanding that neither of you is perfect and that each of you contributes to the dynamic. I can say I don't like his way of dealing with the dynamic, but that's not to say he won't change his ways. He will. So will you, but if you come to terms with each others imperfections and make strides to meet each others needs, you won't feel so empty, without hope, and like all is lost.

Be the change, CV. Find those places in your life that fulfill you that your H never was meant to. Your friends. It's why they are there. And pick those carefully as they will influence you greatly.

When the time is right and your connection is stronger, you'll be able to deal with the issues that need to be dealt with. You don't need to fix everything and you can't. It's not your place in this world. Your place is to fix you and be you and work on your relationship with your H and family. He obviously cares and wants to make it work with YOU even if he doesn't express it in the best way all the time. I think if you do it this way, you'll find your confusion lessens too

Peace!

AJ