He's Just Not That Into You

[RegretfulLA]

I left the program on the counter, wonder if H will even see it? I agree though - you don't even think about that stuff when you're getting married. It's all a lot of blah blah until you actually have to deal with it.

Here's my update on MC:
The therapist is not pro-marriage and is not a couples expert as far as I can tell. However, he was recommended by H's therapist so I feel like I need to defer to H on this one. H thought the guy understood his point of view. The way I see it, MC is better than no MC.

No surprises during the session. I told my version of the story at length. H said that he does not feel understood, does not feel heard, feels like it's a one way street. H said that he feels he has no good option. D is not a good option, staying with me is not a good option. Me moving back into the house was just one more way that I exert my will without taking his feelings into account.

At this point, MC made us stop and do the "mirroring" thing which seems very cliche but seriously, we need it. That was tough - using the example of me moving back in. The man threw me out of my own home and separated me from my children and there I was sitting there having to empathize with his feelings about it. MC said that if we could work on that, it would help. Our normal pattern is each one arguing their own side and no one listening.

H's takeaway is that he can never do anything right in my eyes. I told him I didn't mean to make him feel that way.

On the way home we talked more. H said that he can't help the way he feels. I said that he can definitely change his feelings about things if he wants to. H said that's pressure. H said he needs his "space." I asked him what that means. I don't understand what that means. H said, "How is it that we've been married for 11 years and you don't understand me?" As we all know, this is a classic mistake in perception, but it's one that he refuses to be enlightened on.

I still didn't really get a great idea of what his space means. When I tell him I feel punished because I have to sleep in the guest room, that's pressuring him. When I ask him for a hug that's pressuring him. Basically anytime I complain about anything that he wants to do that is not pro-relationship is pressuring him. But rubbing his back is not pressuring him - and you would think this would be the worst offense.

This is tough. I think I probably will have to get a DB coach to help me get the balance right. I told him that we're both in the R and I have my opinions too. So far, I don't know if he is thinking at all about how I might feel about any of this.

Now he's upstairs watching Breaking Bad (Season 1) on his computer. One of the only things we do together as a couple is watch TV together. Now he's watching something I wanted to watch, but he chooses to do it without me. I did tell him how I felt about that, that it would have been nice for us to watch it together. It's just one more thing we could have been doing to get things back on track. More of same, but with no intent to do anything differently, how can things change????

Any advice? I obviously don't want to pressure him but I'm not going to be a doormat either.