The green green grass of home

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks bug. Sorry for not posting on anyone's threads much lately. I'm just not in the right frame of mind for that right now.
H told me he will come and put up all the Christmas lights if i want him to. I think i am just going to do the window ones and any that i can do myself and leave the roof. It just doesn't feel right. It would be a constant reminder of every other year.

He also said he was thinking about either staying here Christmas night, Or staying at someone else's place who lived near here and coming over to watch the children open their presents.
He also said he would come and help me wrap their presents on Christmas morning. He also added that he wont be doing that every year though.

I think i'm going to say no. I think it will be too hard on me and probably make next year harder on the children. I'm not sure yet.

I read over the letter H wrote me just before he left. I think he really was that unhappy. He said he does remember the good times but mostly he felt like a little boy, in trouble all the time. I only stood up for what i felt was right. For how i felt i deserved to be treated.
I realise now that i handle things all wrong. I might have done most of it for the right reasons but i done them the wrong way. I also did some things wrong and for the wrong reasons.

He said he has always said he will do his best not to put his kids through what he went through when he was younger but that a lifetime of this unhappiness is worse.

He said we both deserved better and to be happy.
I just don't understand why he couldn't try to work things out by communicating with me instead of through anger.

It hurts like hell, Especially that he can just move on so easily. I'm going to have to truly let him go. I want him to be happy and maybe i just couldn't do that.

I need to move on and build a new life for me and my children.
I think that's why i have been so sad lately. Accepting that it's over feels like loosing him all over again. I'm struggling with the NC thing but i'm just going to have to learn.

He called not long ago and i was telling him all the crap i have to do still(In the way of forms and maintenance ) I said it's just frustrating because it's hard to move on with all this stuff to work out. He said it would be.

I have noticed that he asks what I've been up to and he validates me! Then hangs up before i can ask him anything. Thats good in a way. I shouldn't be asking him anything anyway.

It's time. Time for me to move on with my life.

I'm thinking