The crack in my separated life...

[Sweetbriar]

Kimmerz...is your H still in crisis mode? I went back and read most of your original post and wow....what a mess! Mine is equally messy, but it just baffles me how these things happen to good people and good families:(

Thanks to all for asking how I am doing! Physically, I feel great! I am 23 weeks and have an active baby in there:) I must admit though, that the kicking sometimes can bring tears when I realize that H will never feel it:( I also have lots of friends already planning a shower and it wont be until January! THey are all so excited and have been very supportive! No sickness this whole pregnancy..thank God! I have done enough crying to fill a lake...didnt need to be getting sick on top of that! My biggest craving is tomato stuff..(weird, I know...) but like spaghetti sauce and tomato soup? Must be for the salt..which is not good for me! I get compliments daily of how great I look for being this pregnant and it makes me feel good! I wish this site could have pictures! I would post a pic of the sonogram:) My job doesnt start until the 19th..but Im excited!! Gotta keep busy and get out everyday!

Mentally, Im not as well! I have many moments of tears but they are quick cries and Im done. Much better than the sobbing all day fits I had in the beginning. Tonight I cried for the first time in days when I was making dinner and I remembered something that H used to say every night when he came home. I just started thinking that I will never have him coming home for dinner again and I got sad:(

I hate to sound so final..but its so hard to think positive when he is in this state of mind. Nothing matters to him but HIM.

I was thinking tonight..kinda fantasizing..that if he ever did come home would he be able to break the friendship that he had with OW? I mean, I know they are having an affair, but do the MLCers get scared of what will happen if that new friendship is no longer in their lives? He had told me in the past that she is so good to him and of course, that he loves her and she cares for him. Why would he leave all that? I actually think that my H is in this relationship more for the emotional part than the physical..its just how he has always been...I mean, I know they are physical..but he clings to anyone who will give him positive attention.

The whole family thing...well..I do know what DR says. I know they are only looking for me to be happy again and they are convinced that it will never be with H again. I know the man he used to be..in fact, all our friends and family know it too..but its easy for them to say walk away and never look back.

I sometimes wish I never filed for separation, because I don/t know that he would have..but I felt like I HAD to because of the constant threat of forclosure on my home. I needed security..especially with the kids. I feel like filing for sep goes automatically into D and I hate that feeling that it will be over in a year:(

One more thing..H thinks that everyone is against him and that everywhere he goes in our town that he is being looked at because of what he did. Of course, this is not true, but I feel like that is another thing that would stop him from ever coming back. I feel like he would be too ashamed...are they ever able to get over that feeling of shame and guilt when they come out of this? I guess it probably depends on the person?

Sometimes I wonder if its worth all the time I have tried to put the puzzle together...and according to everyone here, its not been that long for me. 7 months since I found out, but H was back and forth for awhile..so 3 months since he left for good. I just wonder some days if I should just leave the pieces of the puzzle scattered and walk away:(