Snodderly,that's really powerful stuff. I will keep reading.
Kimm, more than anything else, I think I'm feeling some rage tonight. I'm feeling the "Who the fu-- do YOU think YOU are to treat ME like this? After all I've put up with and THIS is how you repay me?"
Having said this, and let it out, I need to remind myself that there is power--sometimes--in doing nothing. Any action I take tonight will be out of desperation and rage and that won't get me or the girls anywhere.
In the thread Snodderly suggested, someone asks the veterans "What would you do differently if you had, God forbid, to do it again?"
Well, I wouldn't act on impulse so much. After reading your post, a part of me was like...well, I better let him know, TONIGHT, that I will just throw all his shi! out if he doesn't come get it. I mean, seriously? he's spending the evening with her and he wants me to sit here with the kids and take care of his stuff?
So, here's where I remind myself how sick he is. He's not in his right mind and hurting him more isn't going to make things right. I need to keep moving forward and pray on every action I take. I DO feel like I need to make some sort of stand/boundary with him, but I'm not sure what that action is yet. He does need to understand I won't tolerate his bull----. Need to think on that one.
Thanks for all the support. Mind boggling isn't it?
I'm gettin there. Having such a hard time with OW. Want so desperately to get her the he!! out of the picture. I know I can't fix it.
You know...my mom put up with affairs and so did my Grandma. I think a big part of me feels like such a loser for putting up with this behavior. He comes over on Sat and leaves to go to her. I just hit the mark--I feel it. I watched the women I loved put up with crap and they never spoke up or defended themselves. It was so unfair. I just pulled the top off a barrel of monkeys. Have to sit with this one. Little girl watching these women hurt because men were behaving badly. My grandma cried herself to sleep nightly for years. I would spend the night at her house and she would cry quietly next to me in bed. It was horrible. All because my Grandpa treated her like she didn't deserve any better. And, she acted like this was the best she deserved. I don't want to be that person. I feel like he is putting me in the position to be that person and I have no choice.
I can feel the humiliation I felt as a kid as I write this. How dare anyone treat Me like this? Don't know what to do with this?
Oh, and see how well he fakes the whole "together" thing? He sounds like a perfectly reasonable, logical individual and then he acts like nutball.
Just thinking out loud.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather Anger is a powerful tool and it will help you move forward on your journey. You have every right to be angry. You've been in denial as well as bargaining...now you are moving into the anger phase. It is all part of the grieving process. Find a pillow and beat the crap out of it. Write a letter to your h and then rip it to shreds.
Sitting, not reacting and actually doing nothing is very powerful. It's a statement, just like silence is a good statment, i.e., remember the old saying?...silence is golden. Sit quietly, the answers will come.
Just remember, you are giving the ow entirely too much power when you are thinking about her. She's absolutely nothing in the way of being a moral woman. She's just a bandaid there to stop the bleeding, nothing more.
You are not a loser and your h was most likely a very upstanding guy pre crisis. His situation is entirely different from what your mom and grandmother experienced. Heather, you do have a choice as to whether you will put up w/her disrespect or not. You have to take back your respect. You will always have a choice in what you do when it comes to your life...the question will be is it the right one for you and, of course, you are the only one that can answer that one.
The insanity of the rollercoaster ride is enough to make you want to get off. One minute they are rational and then the next back down into the rabbit hole they go. That's why it is very important to detach, try not to take what they say personally and don't drink the koolaid that they are constantly wanting to give you.
Think about what boundaries you are willing to institute and if you can live w/them. Think about what you want to do for you in the way of changes or interests. The world is your oyster and you can do whatever you want...you do have choices!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
TEXTED me again. Wanted to know if D18 went to neighbors to apologize for knocking down mailboxes the other day. I gave a short answer an hour or so after.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
You do have power, more power than you know. You don't have to act on impulse. You can slow it down, breathe, pause, and think about how you are going to respond--instead of react.
That is where your power is. You don't have control over how he treats you, of if he meets his responsibilities-- that's in his box. But you do have control over how you respond. That's in your box.
Act first and think later...that's what I do LOL I've learned it's not always the best thing to do
My dad also cheated on my mum throughout their marriage and I knew about alot of it growing up and watched her go through hell with him. I told myself from early on that I would NOT put up with that EVER. I can't believe I'm even considering standing for him and I'm being treated this way after everything I have done for him and given up ALOT for him...and here I am in his country with NO family doing all this alone that we started together 22 yrs ago, pisses me off to no end.
M 41 H 43 M 22 S 18 S 14 D 11 Affair discovered 1/12 He filed 2/12 OW#2 7/12 she lives next door. D pending
I'm sorry you have to be here too. But, you're not alone. Us Yanks can be a pretty kind and compassionate bunch!
I have a D10 too. Sounds like your crazy ride started around the same time as ours. What a long, strange trip it's been.
Tonight, what I miss most is my yellow lab. He died about a year ago. After all this, I have a new respect for the quote "I hope one day to be the person my dog thinks I am."
I guess stuff like this really makes a person appreciate true unconditional love.
Hang in there,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
You did fine Heather. If you need to text to start setting boundaries and protecting yourself, this is ok. I mean you have to start somewhere don't you?
I also wanted to add that I feel that I enabled alot of childish and inmature behavior from my XH because that's what I witnessed all my life with my mom. I never have witnessed a true healthy relationship between a man and a woman. Lots of dysfunction with y family. My real father has never been in my life. I had a step father at the age of 10. That relationship between my mother and step father was one of fighting, alcoholism, mental, verbal, and physical abuse. He finally cooled it and they got their act together for a few years, but eventually it died off for good.
So I do know that alot of my co dependent issues stemmed from doing what I had only been exposed to, yet I had no idea I was doing it at all.
