I'm not sure if i am right or not, but would you extend the basic courtesy of acknowledging a friends birthday?
My W did not contact me at all on my birthday, nor attempted to help our son get anything for me and i felt that lacked any class at all, regardless of our current status. After all, i will always be the father of our child.
Don't worry that the decision is difficult to make, but make A Decision and stick to it.
Ed
Me, 55 W, 36 T, 10 yrs S-9 M, 8 yrs 1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa 2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa W, AA relapse early 2009-Current W moved out 2-16-2012 New OM 5-2012
But man, it's just so hard to not do ANYTHING, knowing that it may really hurt her to not hear from me... And no matter what type of progress, detachment or dropping of the rope that I do, I'll never want to do something (or not do something) to intentionally hurt her or her feelings...
Let me help you look at it another way then, perhaps.
Do you think she is better with you than without you?
Maybe you should look on it not as intentionally hurting her but rather protecting yourself.
Just a thought.
I hear you there bug... but what am I protecting myself from? As I stand here, I don't want to regret NOT sending a simple email and hurting her... And clearly this is already taking up a huge amount of real estate in my brain, so by sending OR not sending, I don't see it lessening it's hold either way...
Yes, Starsky, I do... But clearly she's not currently seeing it that way.
Then if you REALLY feel that way, maybe you should do everything you can to try to get her back (short of violating your own boundaries or integrity) . . . even if it "feels mean" ???
Understand what I'm saying? Picture your wife in the future, your marriage now fully restored, saying to you "Why didn't you send me any sort of message on my birthday? Man, did I ever think you were a D*CK!!" and you say "Well, I didn't want a divorce and hadn't given up on us, and so EVERYTHING that I did, I did with the thought of 'What gives me the BEST chance of restoring my marriage'? "
Make sense? It's kind of an "end justifies the means" thing.
And clearly this is already taking up a huge amount of real estate in my brain, so by sending OR not sending, I don't see it lessening it's hold either way...
So then err on the side of what most people are telling you will be EFFECTIVE.
I know for me, there would be some expectation there (I know, there shouldn't be, just being real). And it's continuing to act like her H, even tho that R is no longer what it was.
If you can do it with NO expectations or agenda, go for it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I know for me, there would be some expectation there (I know, there shouldn't be, just being real). And it's continuing to act like her H, even tho that R is no longer what it was.
If you can do it with NO expectations or agenda, go for it.
Protecting yourself from the probability that your gesture will barely be noticed. That your gesture will be secondary to whatever she gets from OM...
How about that? Put it in perspective?
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Yes, Starsky, I do... But clearly she's not currently seeing it that way.
Then if you REALLY feel that way, maybe you should do everything you can to try to get her back (short of violating your own boundaries or integrity) . . . even if it "feels mean" ???
Understand what I'm saying? Picture your wife in the future, your marriage now fully restored, saying to you "Why didn't you send me any sort of message on my birthday? Man, did I ever think you were a D*CK!!" and you say "Well, I didn't want a divorce and hadn't given up on us, and so EVERYTHING that I did, I did with the thought of 'What gives me the BEST chance of restoring my marriage'? "
Make sense? It's kind of an "end justifies the means" thing.
Starsky
I actually have had the conversation with my W in regards to a couple of things that I did, or didn't do, during my S.
I tell her that I was doing what I thought best for our future together.
I agree... don't do anything tomorrow. I know it [censored], but look at the big picture... not the short term.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thanks so much for the input here! I truly appreciate it all.
Just got back from my IC appt, and wanted to share what we discussed RE: The Birthday stuff.
It boiled down to this: By NOT saying ANYTHING tomorrow, I am probably doing more damage than good. My lack of any acknowledgement of her birthday will be completely transparent to her, as she knows damn well that I know it's her B-Day. By doing and saying nothing, I'm simply saying "I Don't Care anymore"... and that's not the message I want to send.
Obviously the discussion went into far more detail than that, but I won't bore you with 60 minutes worth of conversations on a single subject!
I COMPLETELY understand the advice that's being given... and a part of me thinks it's probably the "right" thing to do...
But a bigger part of me says this: Is this particular situation worth sending a message over? Is me beating myself up over not giving a general platitude such as "Happy Birthday W" really worth it? I've wished people that I can't stand a happy birthday...
But more importantly, is this something I want to use as a tactic to "get her back"?
You know... I've got to say no to that...
I'm not trying to trick her into thinking about me... because what good will that really do? If I have to artificially create a situation in which I cross her mind... well... I'm not sure that I could count that as a victory.
I guess it really boils down to this: I honestly don't think I could be "okay" at the end of the day tomorrow by not extending a simple message on my W's birthday...
And that's killing me... because again... I hear the wisdom in these posts...
Because I TOTALLY understand what Starsky and Denver are saying here... and I AGREE that it's a great way to get me to the front of her mind again.
I just can't bring myself to accept that I'd have to do something that's SO against my nature just to get my W to think about me again...
I know there will be 2x4s coming my way for this, and I'm sure I probably deserve them... but I just can't see myself being okay without doing something as little as sending a 3 word email...
But I'm still going to sleep on it... pour this over again in the morning... and try to figure out the "right" thing to do.
Who'd have thought such a "simple" thing could be so damn complicated?
