New to DB and Clearly Oblivious to My "Horrible" M

[NickB]

Thanks AS. I has similar thoughts about her request. Was out of the blue and so disconnected that it appeared she had been waiting for something and it never came.

The anger is back in full force.

[labug]

Just a caution, don't mind read too much. We all do it but it's usually counterproductive and usually supports our agenda.

[NickB]

Thanks la. I am guilty of mind reading which is not good. Would be so mug easier to ask what is on her mind. Hoping we get to that point before she pulls more triggers but also focussing on me regardless.

[sandi2]

You will be her target for any negative feelings she experiences. Expect it b/c it will happen. But you don't grade the R or how you're doing by what she says or does. She may be nice one day....doesn't mean a thing. She may be awful the next day....doesn't mean a thing. So you don't think things are better just b/c she showed a little consideration one day, and neither do you think it's over if she bites your head off the next. She's an emotional mess and it's probably going to get worse before it gets better.

H's are in a bad place when trying to get their W to see a doctor about their hormones. When the couple hasn't been having sex, she usually thinks he just wants her to get fixed so he'll get sex. If she's having a lot of emotional or nervous problems, she still thinks he just wants her fixed. Well, who wouldn't want her fixed when she's like that? But he's usually not the one to suggest it. If her sister really wanted to help her, she would suggest her seeing a specialist, and maybe she already has.

You sound like a guy most women would like to have around the house! I don't know how you're able to do all that you do after you get home from work. If you have always done that much, maybe she doesn't know how to appreciate you or she takes it for granted.

It's probably tough to find time just for yourself, but you do need to do that as part of GAL.

In the meantime, you stay upbeat. She won't like it, but you stay upbeat anyway. You have had an awakening, so you go on and enjoy life. You can only make one person happy, and that's you. One day, she will have to learn that principle, also.

Don't allow her emotions to dictate your sound judgement, decisions, and beliefs. Stick to what you know is true and right. Sometimes, people are so scared of their S leaving them until they lose sight of what is really important in life. I've seen some pretty crazy things some LBS's are willing to do in order to have another chance with their WAS.

She is not well. You have got to be the one to remain healthy. Take very good care of yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually. Don't think of it as being selfish. It's necessary. Your family depends upon it.

[labug]

I agree with Sandi that someone else who she loves and trusts will be the best person to approach her, if and when you know for sure that's what needs to happen.

[NickB]

No change in W today. Barely speaking to me.

For me, not a bad day otherwise. Joined a new gym last week and have been taking two of the kids and teaching them to swim. They are having a blast and so am I.

[labug]

So, enough focus on her for now.

Are you reading any of the resources? Found a therapist?

It is fun to teach kids to swim.

[NickB]

So, enough focus on her for now.

I am sure it appears that I am focusing too much on her -- and I do -- on here specifically because I need the help and advice.

I have been better about working on GAL which is hard with little ones always around and in need, but I am using times with them to meet other people as well.

Are you reading any of the resources? Found a therapist?

I am reading the book you suggested but still working on a therapists that specializes in this area. Hard to find on our remote area. Not sure I want to do this by phone. I am plugging away researching through.

[NickB]

Sandi, I come here each day to seek out advice, guidance and admittedly in some cases, comfort. You and so many people here have been so helpful to my sitch and to me personally. I cannot thank you enough.

You will be her target for any negative feelings she experiences. Expect it b/c it will happen. But you don't grade the R or how you're doing by what she says or does. She may be nice one day....doesn't mean a thing. She may be awful the next day....doesn't mean a thing. So you don't think things are better just b/c she showed a little consideration one day, and neither do you think it's over if she bites your head off the next. She's an emotional mess and it's probably going to get worse before it gets better.

I get this but need a reminder every now and then. I thought I was doing great on detaching until I found I was slipping back into thinking we might be turning our first corner in months. No turn happened and I learned exactly what you are saying. Too bad I read this post after a conversation my W and I had last night.

I have decided to read the "37 rules" each day and night as a reminder.

H's are in a bad place when trying to get their W to see a doctor about their hormones. When the couple hasn't been having sex, she usually thinks he just wants her to get fixed so he'll get sex. If she's having a lot of emotional or nervous problems, she still thinks he just wants her fixed. Well, who wouldn't want her fixed when she's like that? But he's usually not the one to suggest it.

Exactly my challenge. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. I am conflicted but know I am not the one that can push this with her.

If her sister really wanted to help her, she would suggest her seeing a specialist, and maybe she already has.

I am not sure exactly what she is sharing and how often. My W mentioned one time to me that she was thinking of talking to her sister about what was going on but specifically said she was not going to discuss the EA for fear of judgment.

My concern is that she may not be sharing enough detail. I cannot control and influence it. I only mention it because I think there is still a heavy fog around her -- even when she confides in family. Again, not something I am working to change or affect -- just an observation.

It's probably tough to find time just for yourself, but you do need to do that as part of GAL.

it is tough. I have been using time with my kids as time to GAL. Fining places and events other parents gather so at least I can make friends and keep some type of life that doesn't involve tiny children.

Don't allow her emotions to dictate your sound judgement, decisions, and beliefs. Stick to what you know is true and right. Sometimes, people are so scared of their S leaving them until they lose sight of what is really important in life. I've seen some pretty crazy things some LBS's are willing to do in order to have another chance with their WAS.

She is not well. You have got to be the one to remain healthy. Take very good care of yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually. Don't think of it as being selfish. It's necessary. Your family depends upon it.

Again, great advice and support. I wish I could bottle you and few other folks on here for daily support. it is what keeps me coming back here multiple times a day. The support here if phenomenal.

[NickB]

I have read this little piece of guidance from Accuray on a few posts around here and wanted to share it here as well. It compliments some of the advice I have been receiving from others on my posting and is particularly timely given the latest conversation I had with my W yesterday. In short, this is a wild roller coaster. We are going to the highest highs and the lowest lows still and I have to keep more balanced.

From Accuray:

Yes, this is completely normal, and there are two reasons for this:

1) There were changes your wife wanted you to make for a long time and you didn't make them, and she suffered as a result. Now it seems that you can make them so easily, it makes her angry that you made her suffer so long. She'll get over that, keep at it.

2) A walkaway spouse has often constructed a scenario in their head where you are the bad one, you pushed them to do whatever they have done, and they are the victim. When you 180 their complaints and don't act the role of the "bad guy" it's harder for them to convince themselves that they are the victim and they don't like that, so they get angry. They want you to play your part! If you keep doing the bad stuff it reinforces their decision to walk and makes them feel better about it.

Another thing to expect is that your wife will run "hot and cold" -- she'll be nice to you one minute and the next will shut down hard. This is extremely confusing. Here's what's going on -- your wife will "try on" being nice to you to see how it feels, or if she gets comfortable may slide back into a familiar partner role. At some point she'll catch herself, will worry that you'll get the impression that everything is now "okay" when for her it is not, and will then make sure to demonstrate to you that everything is NOT okay by shutting you out and pushing you away. That's all an inner dialog so to you it just looks completely confusing. If you expect it, you'll enjoy when she warms up and won't worry too much when she goes cold.

It's tempting to get into a mode of catastrophic thinking -- that each time your wife goes cold you worry it will stay like that forever, or "oh boy, this is it, she's gone!" That leads you to panic and overreact. This is a roller coaster, and there will be very dramatic highs and lows. The best thing you can do is try to stay near an emotional baseline. If the WAS bounces between 10 feet up and 10 feet down, the LBS tends to go 25 feet up and 25 feet down in response. Your goal is to go 5 feet up and 5 feet down instead. Take the long term view. Easy to say, hard to do, but if you know what to expect things get easier.