Staying off the ride 3 - being authentic

[Tumbling]

Journalling/Backsliding

i can't leave H alone and it's not doing me any good.
confession i emailed him my job ap and coverletter this morning
at 730pm i text him that i had sent it over earlier and would love some feedback before i emailed it. will call you at 9pm x
H: ok, i have a few comments x

Note to self - if i book a time with H for a phonecall he agrees to it. If i say can i call, he says no - does that = pressure to him?

so i called at 9.
General chitchat to start - he's tired, stomachache still - i suggested doctor - hadn't done anything other than sleep late, watch tv and work. He was still working at 9pm
I said i wouldnt keep him long and we got down to coverletter and cv application. He had't really spent some time on it and picked up odd punctuation, funny sentences, repetition of dates for diff jobs. i was amazed at his thoroughness and attention to detail. thanked him. he said you're welcome.

i reminded him i go away tuesday and back on saturday and maybe we could get together that w/e. he said not sure as to how he will feel sat night, busy week, travelling w work. i said "look h, i miss your company, I don't want to pressure you to see me, but i am not going to keep asking to see you if you don't want to see me. Just tell me and i will stop asking."
He said "I do want to see you it's just i'm busy"
Then I said it's really hard living like this as it puts pressure on making sure we see each other at w'ends when really maybe all we want to do is laze around but we feel like we have to do an activity. And if we lived together at least we would have each other's company without this pressure. It makes our relationship seem like a chore.
Then we talked admin.
Then I told him about the honeydo list getting longer and he said he would do it next time he was over
Then I asked if he had thought about xmas.
H:"No, and i don't want to talk about this now"
Then I said ok - well here's another question - don't freak out about this one but that hotel where we booked in July (it's 30miles from here), we have a credit note for £450 that expires 01/01/2013 and I was wondering what you feel about using it?
H: Um, wow, I'd have to think about it.
Me: We'd both have to think about it.
H: It's whether we'll feel comfortable
Me: I know. I just thought it would be nice to get away together even if we only use half the credit.
H: I'll have to see which w'e might work
Me: Ok.
Me: So what do you want to do about staying in touch when I'm away? Shall I call you?
H: I'm all over the place with work so it might be difficult. Let's play it by ear

I don't know how it finished but it did - 30mins later

And now I'm all wobbly - i thought it was a positive call but reading it back i just see avoidance in H. i fear things will never change for us (well they won't if you keep picking at it, Tumbling)

i know i have to leave it alone. i was doing so well staying off the ride since i came on the board but it only took two sightings of the lesser spotted H and i am a basketcase.

i want to stay in responding, detached mode.
it was working and his texts got longer and then he asked to see me but now it all feels lost.

i want this marriage so bad that i can't give him the space to step in.

i know what i am supposed to do. i just don't seem to be able to follow the rules anymore.

i am really cross w my Self

i am glad i am going away.
i am going dim/dark and if he asks i will say i needed a time out (he takes them all the time)

I have drafted a text - which i won't send tonight - maybe never, as i'd rather ask him to his face
- i feel funny asking this but i am going to ask it anyways. i've assumed that you want to stay married and work on making this relationship right for both of us. so just for the record are we on the same page? Knowing this would really help me alot as I don't want to carry on in limbo, i'd rather call it a day. That's very pressuring isn't it?

i've realised that i'm not just dealing with an avoidant personality - i think i am dealing with a depressed one too :-(

Give me 2x4s - i need them

I have sent my job application