BTW, many of them do not unpack their boxes when they move. They will only unpack what they actually need and the rest will remain in a spare room or closet untouched.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the support. I'm feeling pretty emotionally exhausted at this point.
In her own words, she "came in swinging". I really do regret changing the lock as it was an unproductive move. And her being distraught was also about the packing up of her things. Logically, it doesn't make sense given that she's moved out of the house already but I'm realizing that I need to stop thinking logically when trying to anticipate her reactions to things. I can't anticipate anything at this point, so I should really be making small changes and seeing what the response is. And I need to stay goals oriented and not be emotionally reactive (either positively or negatively).
She stayed for a long time - a few hours of talking. I did more talking than usual... I guess it felt important to express where I'm coming from. I've been on a low dose of anti-depressant since this happened which is another 180 for me (I have anxiety which have caused some problems in our relationship but have always been resistant to taking meds). Some of the changes in me are profound but she is still not buying them. I think time is the only answer for 180's. Even simple things like keeping a tidy house get the reaction of "why did it take a crisis for you to do that?"
In the end, it still seemed like things fell into two columns - real relationship questions and MLC script. It is almost like the MLC holds a magnifier over problems in the relationship while at the same time hiding the positive memories. It makes it really hard not to be defensive when my memories are so vastly different from how she is recalling those things.
There was plenty of the MLC again - "we are almost 40", "our lives are like we are old people already", "I want excitement and adventure", "I feel like you are 4 years older than you are", etc. The gist is that she wants excitement and adventure in her life. The irony is now that she has her much desired "freedom" having moved out but her description of her life is incredibly mundane - laundry, making dinner, working, etc. I asked her what that adventurous life would look like and she talking about things like hiking up mountains - things that she'll probably never do (and things that being married has no real impact on - its not like we have kids to worry about).
It all just reinforces that the problem is within her but she's externalizing it onto me and our marriage. I wonder if the reality is that she needs to be completely separated from the idea of "us" for some period of time before she can see that she still isn't climbing mountains. It seems like she needs to get to a place where our marriage is out of the picture and she is still asking "why am I not doing these things?"
MC meeting tonight - It seems like this is a longer road than I thought and I'm worried that I'm already feeling so exhausted by the rollercoaster... _____________________________ Me:39 WAW:38, M:9 T:19, No Kids EA:9/24, S:9/24 EA on hold?, MC 9/30-now
I am really grateful to this site and all of the stories people have posted. I'm finally coming to terms with the duration of this thing - W has expressed how incredibly happy she is being alone in her apartment. Solitude is very important to her. This was initially hard to hear and understand and I was holding out hope that she would magically appear home at some point. Well, it has been almost two months now and it feels like a fever breaking... I just know she won't be home anytime soon. And I'm making peace with it - but that would have been impossible without everyone's stories, so thank you all.
I know that holidays will be especially hard to navigate. Today is her birthday and I did get her a gift which I'll give her at MC tonight (hard to believe that sentence exists in my life!) and then she is gone to her family for the holiday. Her language all reflects that she recognizes this is how she "feels right now" and that "may change in the future". She also doesn't know if she can be in a committed relationship (with anyone, not just me) given her desire to be alone - but also says that may change in the future.
Her description of wanting to be alone is actually interesting to me once I get past the pain of what it means for my life. It is a fierce independence from anything that is connected with our life. She was already very individual and independent (in fact, people I've talked to say she's one of the most independent women they know) so I guess she has to go to this extreme to feel like she is gaining more independence. She does often sound just like what you'd expect from a 16 year old rebelling against the family unit, but maybe without the anger you'd expect.
In the end, I know I'll get through it one way or another. The being in limbo is definitely uncomfortable, but I know I can do it for some period of time... I'm just not sure I can wait the 2-3 years that seems a common timeline. _____________________________ Me:39 WAW:38, M:9 T:19, No Kids EA:9/24, S:9/24 EA on hold?, MC 9/30-now
I can totally relate,I can't believe that he can be happy alone without me when I am miserable without him,and I can't believe that I have been in limbo for over a year .he told me when he left that he's never coming back so get over it and yet he comes every day . I'm just hoping the gift of time will give us a stronger relationship in the end .
I can totally relate,I can't believe that he can be happy alone without me when I am miserable without him,and I can't believe that I have been in limbo for over a year .he told me when he left that he's never coming back so get over it and yet he comes every day . I'm just hoping the gift of time will give us a stronger relationship in the end .
Something I've learned this week - everything seems to come in waves, especially detachment. I thought that once I'd gotten detached I would stay in that state but I definitely feel like I relapse into a state of being impacted by things she says or does (W cancelled our last get together due to a headache and didn't prompt me to meet for our usual meeting yesterday - I wasn't wrecked like I'd been previously but it definitely got to me). It can even happen multiple times over the course of a day - I feel detached and GAL one moment and then a few hours later some little thing like seeing a happy family with a christmas tree atop their car sends me into unhappy mode again.
Are there tools to help when you get a wave of nostalgia like that? I'm starting to feel a little bitterness creep in and that almost feels good. It is easier to feel mildly ticked off than to feel emotionally devastated.
She asked to visit tonight. No idea what her motivations are at this point. I've been having a bad feeling intuitively about this meeting but trying to ignore it. And she hasn't quit with the offerings (for tonight she emails - "hey, i'll bring this beer i think you will like"). Maybe I still haven't gotten all the way off of the rollercoaster since I feel worn out just thinking about her coming here.
I'm 10 weeks into this now. I know that is newbie territory for most people on this forum but it feels like an eternity to me. I'm really starting to miss having things like affection and companionship in my life. I'm resolved to not start dating because it wouldn't be fair to anyone involved but the temptation to fill that void is certainly there. It almost surprises me that there isn't a paid cuddling service. ____________________________ Me:39 WAW:38, M:9 T:19, No Kids EA:9/24, S:9/24 EA on hold?, MC 9/30-now
You are so new to the rollercoaster and it will take some time before you actually get to a point where the "waves" will not disturb you.
What helped me was putting a rubberband on my wrist and each time I had one of those moments, I would snap the rubberband. The sting would bring my mind right back to where it needed to be...on my wrist! If you don't want to try that, I would suggest that you find something else to focus on. The waves of hurt and sadness will come and go for a long time, allow those feelings to wash over you and then let it go.
There is no guessing as to the rhyme or reason as to why mlcers do what they do. Keep your expectations at zero. Who knows, she may not have anything bad to discuss. You have to learn to think positive and leave the negative feelings at the door.
The journey of mlc is not for the faint of heart. Dig deeper for patience, think positive, have faith and try to stay positive.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
That has certainly been my experience. It sometimes seems the pain finds some forgotten vulnerable corner of my psyche and POUNCES. When I recover from THAT assault, WHAMMO comes another volley from yet another recess.
Sooner or later we've got to run out of corners...
I try to find non-h centered things to look forward to. And while I'm not "into" yoga and such, I do occasionally find "mantras" helpful.
Remember who you are, and why you are, and what’s important to you.
You don’t have to let your attitude be poisoned by other people, situations, or events. You can choose a positive, powerful perspective no matter what.
Scarlett O'Hara "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow."
Or just "I think I can, I think I can"
It WILL get easier. Think about how much your reactions have changed in just 10 weeks. I just reread your entire thread and I see you getting stronger. Hang in there!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I was 12 years old when this song first moved me (1971)
'Hugs and best wishes to you Greymeadow'
Love from Delboy
By: The Grass Roots
‘Sooner Or Later’
Sooner or later, love is gonna get ya Sooner or later, girl you got to give in Sooner or later, love is gonna let ya Sooner or later, love is gonna win
It’s just a matter of time Before you make up your mind To give all that love that you've been hiding It’s just a question of when I've told you time and again I'll get all the love you've been denying
Sooner or later, love is gonna get ya Sooner or later, girl you got to give in Sooner or later, love is gonna let ya Sooner or later, love is gonna win
You say you'll never be mine But darling they'll come a time I'll taste all that love that you've been hiding It’s just a question of time Before you make up your mind And give all that love you've been denying
You've been looking for love In all the wrong places You've been looking for love All the wrong faces Gotta get ya girl Off this illusion Gonna save your heart From all this confusion
Sooner or later, love is gonna get ya Sooner or later, girl you got to give in Sooner or later, love is gonna let ya Sooner or later, love is gonna win Love is gonna win
It’s just a matter of time Before you make up your mind And give all the love that you've been hiding It’s just a question of when Told you time and again I'll get all the love you've been denying
Sooner or later, love is gonna get ya Sooner or later, girl you got to give in Sooner or later, love is gonna let ya Sooner or later, love is gonna win Sooner or later, love is gonna get ya Sooner or later, girl you got to give in Sooner or later, love is gonna let ya Sooner or later, love is gonna win
P.S Just hang in there Greymeadow, and keep posting here.
