Never really know where you stand with this whole MLC thing, do you? Just when you think it's up, it's down...when you think it's down, it's up. Insanity.
Why am I standing again?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Remember he's trying to keep both feet on each side of the fence here. Yes he wants to be with you and his family and yes he wants to be with her. As long as you continue to let him do this this scenario will never stop. He is not logical by any means and his emotions are what's in total control and in the driver's seat. Life isn't Burger King. He can't have it his way 24/7.
A few questions here.
What do you think you need to do in order to not feel the urge to be in contact with him?
Does texting him serve you in any positive way, or does it make you feel even worse?
In order to NOT feel the urge...hmmm...I need to focus on the good things going on in my life. I have a new client, a successful business, two healthy kids and, I guess, I can include the apology I received last week.
I just wish I could understand why he can't let her go. She's soooo gross.
Texting will only give me the illusion that I'm still a part of his life. Chances are slim that he will reassure me in any way, which is, I guess, what I'm looking for...I want to talk to the guy from last week. Guess he's gone again. He did text D10 this morning to say have a good day at school. That's different.
I will detach, try to focus on myself and be good to myself tonight.
Thanks, Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, Do you have a Plan B for tonight? You can't rely on an mlcer to be there for you.
As for texting, don't do it. It's like an addiction for us and we want to text just to let them know we are still here for them....it might make you feel better to do so, but it only sends they further away from us.
The young lady who created the Hero's Spouse forum use to post on this forum. So, you may see some of the advice that we provide here on her site as well.
Keep your expectations at zero and you will not set yourself up for disappointment.
I do hope that you can get out of the house this evening...but you need to start thinking about having a Plan B just in case he doesn't show up or do the things that you would like for him to do.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Actually, I cancelled the plans and told him Not to come. I had a really busy day and we went shopping on Friday at an outlet mall so I need to stay home.
I didn't hear back from H after I texted "Not going tonight, don't feel well, thanks anyway."
One of the things he raged about was the barn on Sat before he stormed out. Sandy pulled the roof paper off the barn. H had never finished the barn roof with shingles so the paper flew right off in the winds. He was upset with me because HIS things were getting wet in the barn. He wanted to come yesterday to fix the barn room by putting a tarp up. I told him NO. I imagine he is pissy today because it's been pouring down rain. I still don't want him here. Took me a full day yesterday to recover from Sat and I'm tired. Just woulda been nice to have received a response, but I will get on without it.
Reminded him on Sat, this is NOT his house anymore. Prob went to OW and whined about how I unloaded on HIM. Whatever. I'm just conjecturing. I suppose it's just as likely he is ashamed and embarrassed for getting my hopes up last week and then dashing them to the ground.
Was surprised though that he texted D10. Maybe he actually heard some of what I said on Sat. Who knows. I know that-at least part of him-must want to be with all of us like he said last week...He's just so nuts right now. I'd rather he went far away until he comes back to his senses.
Thanks, Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I can understand why he was upset about the barn roof and his things getting wet. I would have gotten upset too. However, this is all part of the consequences of his actions and he could always hire someone to come out there and repair the roof, but he most likely won't. BTW, it's not your fault that Sandy came through and tore the roof paper off. It's an act of God and he needs to realize that he should have completed the project a while ago. If he's all that worried about his stuff, he can move to a storage facility. Oh, well...he's going to learn the hard way.
I may be wrong, but I don't think he's thinking clearly and most likely wasn't feeling ashamed or embarrassed about getting your hopes up and then bashing them to the ground. All he had on his mind was his "stuff" and being pissy because you, mom, wouldn't let Boy Wonder come and work on his roof.
No more texting...stay nc for a while. You need to find your balance. Wanting to contact or stay in touch w/them once they are pod people is like an addiction. You have to learn how to break that addiction in order to find your balance and not be upset or distracted w/the what ifs, why's or when's.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
No problem, I understand. I still don't feel so great either. And I was not laughing at your financial contribution on Sat. Was starting to feel Like I needed to go on the defensive. sorry.
Not responding. At least not right now. Maybe just leave it?
How can he act like this and then go back to HER!!??? What the he!! kinda nutty fog is he in! And, he doesn't apologize for leading me on?
He's responding to a text I sent on Sat night where I told him I didn't want him to come over on Sunday because I was confused and lost my focus from our conversation on Sat. I said... "I have a new student on Tues and right now, all I can think about is how you laughed at my financial contribution, told me that you were still with Her and that you are prob with her right now."
He chooses to respond to the first comment but not the rest? Prob shouldn't point this out, should I?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, You are trying to be rational in an insane situation. You can't rationalize w/someone who is not operating on all cylinders.
Leave it alone...there's no need to respond back to him right now. At least he apologized in a half @ss manner. Let it go for now.
How can he act like this? It's mlc baby! This is what they do and if you continue to have expectations every time he blinks his eyes at you, you are going to continue getting hurt and disappointed and yes angry. You have to learn to accept that he's not the man you married...he's very different right now and learn to accept him for who he is today. In his mind, he didn't lead you on...
Keep your emails, short and to the point. Mlcers can't read much more than 2-3 sentences at a time. The depression has their focus out of whack entirely. Also, mlcers have a way of "ignoring" comments that hit too close to home. Again, you brought up the ow and he's doesn't want to discuss that relationship w/her w/you. Leave her out of any conversations you have w/him. Why? Because you are pushing him right into her arms by talking about her...you are giving him ample justification as to why he continues to run to her and wants to protect her from you. You are actually helping the ow by doing this...don't help her...don't discuss her w/him at all.
I'll remind you once again...he's got a ways to go and you need to buckle up for the ride. Go back and re-read all of the responses that you've received from posters. I think you'll see that we all have advised you to go nc, don't discuss the ow or have relationship talks w/him right now and to keep your expectations at zero. We also have advised you to sit quietly, be patient and the answers will come. And, my favorite phrase...keep the focus on you, your family, your job and your home...allow God to work on him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
First of all GREAT INSIGHTS TO YOURSELF in regards to urges of texting and what staying in contact is meaning to you. What are your insights towards yourself in regards to fear of abandonment?
I've been through this ride of the MLCer partially responding to parts of a conversation and dropping the other like a hot potato.The turd did it to me last week. Oh I was so mad. Then I considered the source. And yes Relationship talk will send them to the hills! XH could talk about ANYTHING but relationship talk. And that drove me nutts because I was a pursuer and wanted this problem solved NOW.
One thing these MLCers do that get us hooked is THROW US SOME CRUMBS and we frantically go and gobble them up expecting more!
I was impressed your H was able to communicate something in a decent manner about how he was feeling. That's very good. However that's also crumbs that can keep you hooked. At least for me I thought " well if you can communicate this, then why can't we dig deeper?"
Well as the great Snodderly says they can't focus but 2-3 sentences at a time, oh and that's so true. If I were living a double life I don't think I could concentrate on much either.
I know, I know, the OW seems so vile. Same here. My girls come home and tell me what she's like and its now to the point I just sit there in astonishment and then start to chuckle, because....XH has his hands full. It really must be a relationship of convienence, or him really just having a buddy more than anything. My BIL and SIL are taken aback by her. SIL keeps her distance and is disgusted by the things she says. My XH was a bartendar for 15 years and it wasn't the swankiest bar around. Im beginning to wonder if hanging with Riff Raff just takes him back to his glory days. This woman he did work with for a few years.
At any rate Heather, My suggestion would be to really focus on becoming independent from your H at this time. Find a sitter, and if he wants time with the girls he comes to get them and takes them a while. His tools getting wet? Too damn bad he doesn't live there anymore. Infact the only contact I would give him is a timeframe to get all his belongings out or they go to the dump.
The time of us LBS being the fall back girl needs to end! They may kick and scream and spew at first, but they will respect you when the dust clears. I have to say that since I took a stand for myself and quit allowing my XH to treat me like a fall back girl and cake eat, after his tantrums and a few big fights later, he now treats me more respectfully than he has in years.
These mLCers are like young adolescent boys emotionally, but chrologically they're adults. We can still love these men, but I say it's time to quit raising our grown men! Let go of the boys and hope they find their way back into manhood again!
