Lost and looking for help

[PeteWyo]

Cor, I read through your thread here and I gotta say your situation is alarmingly similar to mine. My marriage was, I thought, amazing, better than most. We didn't fight hardly ever, we had a lot of great times together. Anxiety caused me to withdraw and not go out as much as I should have and at times caused me to be uncomfortable when we were out, W covered for me a lot of the times, OM turned out to be our mutual "friend" who was "there for her" and she felt comfortable talking to. Unfortunately my W never came to the conclusion that she was making a mistake, at least not overtly. Anyway I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in that aspect.

I sometimes think about what I would be doing right now if I was piecing and how I would get that trust back. It seems as though he is still on her mind. That will hopefully fade with time. But the more you force her to stay away, it seems she always gets curious. At some point, you are going to have to trust her, and I know that trust is earned. But what happens if you keep watching the phone records and internet history and there is no evidence that she is contacting him. Does that mean she isn't contacting him or that she just isn't using the phone or computer that you are checking to do it. That said, I agree with AS here:

There you go. It's done. Frankly it seems like a very minor thing, I'm not sure I would have made such a big deal out of it. I think after her first response I would have said "OK, well I'm sure you understand my concerns but I take your word that it was just curiosity on your part."

This is much less confrontational and shows her that you don't agree with it but you understand that it was just curiosity.

A big part of DBing is showing your spouse that you are the better option. Be firm with her that you don't agree with her staying in contact with OM (which you have obviously done) but also show her that you are forgiving and patient as well. I might be reading into the tone of your response to her a little bit but it sounded like you were hot about it, understandably so.

She said she just got a high from his attention and was somehow able to "turn off a switch" on her feelings/guilt.

Have you explored what you can do to give her this same attention? What is different that OM was doing that you were not. In my case, it was that the OM was there for her while I was at home crippled with anxiety. So he was the one that was standing up for my W when some of our other friends were being catty. It didn't matter that I would stand up for her all the time too, so I came to the conclusion that it was just right place right time for OM.

Just food for thought I guess. Certainly you are within your rights to monitor her communication but that will only work short term, long term you are going to have to give her a reason not to want to contact him or look him up in the first place.

Is there anyone that can move my post to "Piecing"? I'd really like to discuss my sitch with vets on there. I haven't had the chance to read the DR book. (W and are always together so it makes this very challenging).

I would humbly recommend you stay here in Newcomers, you will get the same great advice and although you have been reading posts for a while, you are relatively new here, as I am. I tried to jump over to the Separation thread after a few months and ended up back here because there are those that are familiar with my situation and have given me great advice the whole time.

Definitely read DB. There are some case examples in there that really hit home for me. They might give you some ideas of where your W's head is at.