Love junkie, love junkie, hey hey! THat's me! WHat a great tune that would make.
I think the one thing we can agree on is we want/need the person they were, we still love the person they were, and we struggle with knowing their not there now/anymore.
So how to fix it/me - time - dbing - all the other magical words of wisdom combined. Yes, no, probably hopefully! But, there is always going to be a tidbit, morsale of pain, regret, sadness, not sure which one yet, that will always remain inside of my heart that hurts my sole just a pinch.
So how do I move on is still the big question of my life. I really think it's harder with him here, but there's nothing to do about that. So I have to figure a way for me to get out from under my own weight.
I need something new! Your lucky to have some babies around you. I haven't held a baby in yrs and now she wouldn't even know me. I am going to try my hardest again to not be down, or angry, and really try to get out more.
Winter is not my friend, but I guess we don't have a shortage of coffee shops here. I am thinking of a vacation, alone, maybe just a few days, it would be good for me to step back.
Enjoy your good weather, I envy people who can move house to house. I think it's important in life to move your a$$ and see new surroundings. I'm so sick of giving my H soo much attention, yet I can't stop, i'm a junkie, hoping for that one time it will work and he will magically be right!
NO not really - I know better - he's so ugly to me - I think I am an answer junkie - why did you do this to us!
Today's a beautiful fall day in the tree lined suburb I live in with 50+yr old trees swaying in the warm wind. SO I need to get one some old jeans, a hoodie, grab the dog, and get outside. I love Sunday's - wish we could freeze time!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
heyhi- sorry to hear you're so blue. i wish i did have a magic wand. it is hard to get "un stuck" with all this. when i am arund h - it's easier to envision leaving. when i'm not- all the old nostalgia floods in a bit (a bit!) and that makes it harder. so, maybe that's something?]\\\\
what i was going to say before - is that the whole thing of splitting physically - as in two households - i think a couple things. i think it makes it easier for them to (if they're going to) forget us. my gut says it- if we're not in their face- who is to say they don 't find it a hell of alot easier to screw aorund, etc. look at me and my sitch!Q
i read a statistic somewhere that said when you guys split up- a woman's lifestyle/income decreases by 74% and a man's increases by 45% - something like that. i believe it.
AND THEN - wonder/worry- if he's shocked by the reality of paying for two households- guess whose household is going to lose if h decides he doesn't want the burden of two. yours. mine - he wants to date- it takes $$ - would he rather spend it on his own amusement or yours? i hate to make them sound shabby- but i think they are a self-serving - self-preservation lot of guys. if it's you or him- i'm afraid it's you - that suffere. me too - i don'tw'ant to have any optimism. '
i just think this kind of stuff. tho, my overall plan if i've got to get the heck out of his life is to have a job in place (if possible) so taht i can afford myself and buying him out without too awful of a struggle - and i'm pretty used to being poor - or feeling poor- but it was always nice to have someone there to share life with- and who wasn't poor - also paying the bills.
I've been struggling to keep positive too. At some point, I think I have to just allow myself to feel it--as sucky as it is. Spent yesterday watching Upstairs Downstairs from the 1970's and laying in bed. Not what I want for every day, but it's what I needed for yesterday. This all takes its toll.
Bubble Bath helped yesterday. Glad you are feeling a little better.
Much Love, Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
i know, it is a problem pulling yourself back (in) from the brink. i think i have several "brinks" going- i find myself more and more contemplating the sort of person this h is- and i wonder if he is just a bad person - to be able to be so un-compassionate and able to deal out such bad treatment and hurt - for so long- i'm thinking that not only is he possibly not the man i thought he was- maybe he is not even a person i want to know, much less be involved with.
my heart is somehow still "engaged" - i am not "free" of him yet0- but i keep thinking if i knew back when i met him what i know about him now- lying- cheating- i don't think i would ever have allowed myself to become involved - much less in love. it's a wierd/sad thing- this "love" bit. i cannot see if it will persist and prevail- or if it's sooooo damaged that he has killed my heart (for him anyway).
bubble bath a good idea- i need some tho. playing with my neice's baby (3.5 yrs ) is my particular "cure" when in fl. she's soooo funny & full of love & life- i cannot resist and just let myself go and float off into baby-land. keeps me sane when i'm able-
thanks for response- good luck and hang in there (i gfuess) i'm wondering sometimes WHY exactly i do hang in there- is it habit or do i still feel "it" is worth something? no answer to taht either- but i do notice that when i lay awake worrying about this junk- it seems less long and my actual PAIN is not there like before- i'm becoming dulled to it - death of something here- question is - WHAT EXACTLY?????
I am so floating down the river - with nothing on either side to grab onto - I ALMOST feel like i'm watching now- as it all unfolds - and my sheer powerlessness is not so dramatic & painful like before. (at least this moment- no promise of being cured here)
i'm just this person- watching this crappyy little life/drama unfold- and wondering where it goes. i kind of have a sad feeling it all ends with never seeing his face again- at some point - maybe waaay down theline- maybe not. how else could it? really?
he doesn't get it that every single day he has ow and i know it- he may as well wake me up with a slap on the head and a sign saying "you are crap to me". unfortunately- i'm not to me or the rest of the world (one hopes) . he thinks if i am alive in his space and he doesn't say it- and i don't say it- it's not there. foolish man - he only sees what he wants & needs - it will be his huge-est mistake. oh well- i guess he's floating along in his own torrent and there we have it!!!!
No snare like folly no torrent like greed no shark like hatred no flame like lust
is that the proverb i'm thinking of?
God, i hate it when i'm philosophical & think we're all alike- and possibly all ONE. IT'S EASier by far to just judge & be mad. wah wah-
you know- i can't figure out why i have somuch trouble finding you. i thought i made you a "favorite" or watched person - but i did something wrong- areyou able to tell me how i go about making a list of watched people so you appear easily somewhere?
duhhh-hate to be such a dope - can't seem to work this thing.
anyway- i couldn't find you today- so i'm just writing here.
hope your day is going well- and glad you're feeling stronger. boy are you correct - about this place reeling one in from the edge. today i'm wondering what would be so bad about going over the edge??? iknow i'd be poor and lonely- but i'm thinking this is a crummie half-life - sad & creepy kind of life- and i'm selilng myself short. i don't have anything better to be doing- or anyone to be doing it with- but it seems pretty pitiful and icky to spend this much time in the life of someone who can say he wants less of me in his life.
why exactly would this guy fly up to nj to fetch me down here- ?/??? anyway. so wierd i can't even make up theories any more. now, is that an improvement or not??? one wonders- forever i've only seen the best in him- now i see lies or nothing. that is really sad- seeing nothing.
i was thinking it this a.m. on my walk- can't even imagine the "good" motivation anymroe. oh well
gong to do something creative- that will make me feel lots better. painted my sunhat becaue it was getting grubby (lt pink) and need a hat alllll the ti me down here. me- white, white, white & freakles & red hair - blue eyes. can you tell i do not tan???
had tons of fun with baby yesterday- we walked for a couple hours- she ran around a hell of alot- i was surprised she could go for so long and wanted to. she remembered all teh highlights of the neighborhood (giant lawn/drainige place outside L>A> fitness - which we call the valley7 & the mountains. it's deep - she loves running down in the bottom- down sharply sloping grassy "hills" for about 50' or so- man, are kids ever funny & easy to please. ; the pools & waterfalls outside the mai kai restaurant; a block long stretch of "forest" (grass with a few tall pines here and there ABOUT 25 ft. wide and a block long between neighborhoods- the canal & ducks, etc. il aughed like mad. no one can figure out what she's talking about with mountains and valleys & forest.
it made me tired and kept me totally distracted in a pleasant way7. yay- one more day thru without folding, jumping, or anything dr4amatic.
i'm feeling wierdly resigned today- if this man is who he seems to be (now) - he is not a man i admire or (maybe) can love. don't know which way this all is going- will continue to float if i can - or he tips me over - or i fall off the "falls". I may not have a raft right near by- or a life preserver on- but i think i can float long enough to get to a shore.
story of my life huh??? oh well- i'm off to chop up an old cashmere sweater and make a teddy bear from it. totall no-plan, enjoyment activity. ta da.....
hang in there- one of these (years) we'll chat about this all and laugh (ya think???) - fingers crossed and do not jump today. that is all we've got to do- stay in place one more day- xxoo (((( ))))
i can't find your tread to look- i'll go try again tho.
You have to go to new comers and sometimes go several pages over like 3 or more until you see my name. I'm on my phone, using my computer right now to convert some movie files so I can watch them off of my itunes from all my device's. I'm an electronic junkie, hey better than an h junkie. Husband, not the drug h!
Today will be about me or bust! Be back again later! Tell me more about that sweeter to teddy bear trick.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
hey hi- so, how did your me-day go? didja succeed?
i didn't make bear- did begin chopping but gotr side tracked in this workroom-from-hell- i swear- i get soooo much great stuff and ingredients for projects piled here and there. it's truly depressing to see- made a dent in tidying- \ \ n this one thing- i can see where looking (even) at this jumble of a room can depress h. it's not his business really- i totally don't judge his messes- but - HE sure does mine. i agree really tho- it's a deterrent tome to get things done because too much "stuff" hanging on and over me. it's better today- need to keep going and load out some stuff that is donatable or garage saleable.
walkign this mornnig- got thinking how big a bummer it is to see H acting and interacting normally with a variety of people- but unable to just lighten up and loosen up and be his old pleasant self to me. maybe it's something that is etched in stone now and unchangeable. he's nicer than has been in years- but i'd think he also thinks how he is free to just do whateverthehell he wants.
okay- i'm nuts and paranoid. anyway- was thinking maybe this is "it" forever- i don't like this "it". do you think we either have to get lost or resign ourselves to forever being in the position of being a fond old dog- and tahtis that? or what?
I get it that things will never be the way they were. i just don't know what they could be instead - now. or if they must alwasy be something bad now.?/ this ow stuff is the real soul-sucker. i want out - i feel trapped - but i don't just take the extra step of gnawing my leg off to get out of the trap.
what the???? oh well- now that i say that out loud- i make myself tired and depressed- so i'm shoving it to the back of my reality to be dealt with tomorrow - scarlett. so- how long do we do this before we do that? (or something different?) do you reckon-
i can't believe you know what you know adn have done "this" for (is it?) six years??/ i wonder if I could last that long- you have guts dearie. and stamina.
i'm outta here- that bear for sure - did work a bit on some wallpaper in a dollhouse i began about five years ago- oiy
fhave several here and there- one of these years alllll the projects will be done=- *('ll probably drop dead from lack of purpos.
