Dealing with the reality of separation

[PeteWyo]

And why does she think W needs to hear that from you? W is the one engaged in an affair, not you. YOU need to hear that from HER, not vice versa. Sounds like cake-eating to me. W wants to know that you're still there as plan B fallback position in case things don't work out with OM. I think you're right in not doing that. And I would be VERY careful about what you say to SIL. Just keep in mind you might as well be talking to W. SIL may pretend to be neutral, but she's not. She firmly in W's camp. Don't ever think she's not. Many people have been burned in their reconcilation attempts by trusting their spouse's family with the wrong info.

I know that you are right of course. This is what I mean about false hope. I get a little bit of info stating that she might need to hear that and I want to bow down to her needs. She has had a lot of issues with insecurities in the past and most likely still does. She has always been very worried that everyone liked her. I thought it was thoughtful and endearing at the time. So I can see what SIL thinks she needs to hear that. But the end result will not be what I want it to be. It would be something like, "I know, I'm so sorry to put you through all this." That has been her standard response early on.

That doesn't sound cold, it sounds fine. She was letting you know she got her stuff out and she thanked you. Polite and friendly.

I guess I just said it was cold because she had always added a smiley or something to show that she was appreciative. I know, overthinking it.

[Just A Guy]

Faunadc, we are on roughly the same time frame here in our sitch's, not only that but we are "pleasers" we LOVE to please out women and we will do anything they ask of us.

And like me you too are clinging to every little thing, a smiley face on a text, a hug that lasts a little longer than normal, a shred of information in a conversation etc... We view those things in such a light to continue "hope".

Where I am trying to put more stock in "hope" now is in myself. I am done hoping for my M to work. Now I have "hope" that I will come out of this stronger than before..

Keep working on you man..

[PeteWyo]

Faunadc, we are on roughly the same time frame here in our sitch's, not only that but we are "pleasers" we LOVE to please out women and we will do anything they ask of us.

And like me you too are clinging to every little thing, a smiley face on a text, a hug that lasts a little longer than normal, a shred of information in a conversation etc... We view those things in such a light to continue "hope".

Where I am trying to put more stock in "hope" now is in myself. I am done hoping for my M to work. Now I have "hope" that I will come out of this stronger than before..

Keep working on you man..

I know, you are right. I did love taking care of her and doing things for her. She is just the kind of person that might not know she has the option to come back if she wants. I mean I told her that many time early on, but given her track record of selective hearing she has probably forgotten that and is still only concentrating on the bad. I can see her sitting there starting to question the decision that she has made but then telling herself, well, it's too late now. I am going to try to focus more on myself, I am just so used to focusing on my W and everything else. I guess I have never really taken the time to take care of myself and worry about my own feelings. That is probably what caused my anxiety in the first place!

[Just A Guy]

You are absolutely in a similar place as I... My anxiety stems from not being able to do anything to "help" or "fix" her and her feelings.. In the past I have always been able to help her and fix things. Now we are in the sitch where there is no one but THEM who can fix or help the sitch in regards to the M and R.

WAS's will have pride, guilt, friends and even dreams which stop them from making the logical decision to reconcile and come back to the marriage. Meanwhile We LBS's are stuck dealing with the anxiety, fear, stress and the "not knowing" all while trying to maintain our marital promises...

[AnotherStander]

She is just the kind of person that might not know she has the option to come back if she wants. I mean I told her that many time early on, but given her track record of selective hearing she has probably forgotten that and is still only concentrating on the bad. I can see her sitting there starting to question the decision that she has made but then telling herself, well, it's too late now.

Wait, are you talking about your W or mine? That is soooooo what my W is like too. And yes you are right, at some point you may need to put something out to her to let her know the door is still open. But at the same time you need her to know it's not a revolving door, nor is it a door you are just holding open for her in case OM falls through. Honestly I feel like I need to do the same with my W, but I feel like the timing isn't right yet. I've put out a few feelers to try and test her temperature but it keeps coming back as "ice princess". She's going to have to thaw a bit before we can have that convo I think.

[MKB23]

I told my H one time that in order to R he would have to end it. I am not open to anything else. I never repeated it but I am certain he heard it. You fellas need to chill. She heard you. Chances are she is starting to believe the changes and knows better than to ask. Meaning- she is getting the boundaries. I know if it was me, I may not respond but I would still know it and think about it.

[PeteWyo]

Wait, are you talking about your W or mine? That is soooooo what my W is like too. And yes you are right, at some point you may need to put something out to her to let her know the door is still open. But at the same time you need her to know it's not a revolving door, nor is it a door you are just holding open for her in case OM falls through. Honestly I feel like I need to do the same with my W, but I feel like the timing isn't right yet. I've put out a few feelers to try and test her temperature but it keeps coming back as "ice princess". She's going to have to thaw a bit before we can have that convo I think.

I know right? We have had this conversation before on my previous thread on how alike our wives are.

Well, that is kind of where my thinking was. I have really gone dark on my W, or "dim" as Denver put it. No contact at all and working on me. I can see how she would think that I had moved on and wasn't interested in a R with her. We had some communication problems in our M that caused us to end up where we are so going dark seemed counterintuitive to me but so is everything else on this board. But there has to be a point where I tell her or let her know in some way that I would still take her back if she decides that is what she wants. So my thinking was that this would be a good opportunity to tell her that... or I can just stay dark and see if she will ever reach out to me. But that is the catch 22, right? She will never reach out to me again if she thinks that I am avoiding her because I don't want anything to do with her because my heart has moved on. I mean if the SIL really is on her side as you say, then she will be telling the W that I miss her anyway. I dunno. I guess I see both sides of the rationale.

[PeteWyo]

I told my H one time that in order to R he would have to end it. I am not open to anything else. I never repeated it but I am certain he heard it. You fellas need to chill. She heard you. Chances are she is starting to believe the changes and knows better than to ask. Meaning- she is getting the boundaries. I know if it was me, I may not respond but I would still know it and think about it.

Yes, I definitely told her that at one point! Like I said though, I think she does have some serious selective hearing and has always read way too much into situations. For instance, if a friend would tell her jokingly that she was being ridiculous, in a matter of minutes she would have this whole grand explanation built up in her head that her friend hated her and it was because something she said and now people are talking about her behind her back and the world was going to end. I had to talk her out of many of those spirals in the past.

MKB, what do you mean by "she is getting the boundaries. I know if it was me, I may not respond but I would still know it and think about it." When you say you may not respond, respond to what?

[Grateful]

I am with you on this. This is my fourth day with no contact. My W hasn't initiated contact in ten days. I am not sure if going dim is in my best interest either, but I know nothing else has worked.

[PeteWyo]

I am with you on this. This is my fourth day with no contact. My W hasn't initiated contact in ten days. I am not sure if going dim is in my best interest either, but I know nothing else has worked.

Grateful, don't misunderstand me I think going dim was the right thing to do and I am not familiar with your situation, but for me it made sense. I guess in this case, I think that it is working a little, but I was more asking what to do about what my SIL said.

I think that going dim is a good way to make yourself more mysterious to her and wonder what is going on with your life and to see that you are making all these changes for yourself. 10 days isn't a long time. I haven't heard my W's voice since early September and I don't think I will for a while still. Hang in there. I am teaching myself patience as well. It would be a good 180 for you to consider (((())))