You don't get it. Even hearing the negative helps. You know she had an issue with the car, so you're changing that. She says she's done with you, which also helps. If she says she's "done", then you can't keep saying that you're going to treat her like your GF because that comes across as creepy.
If she really feels that, then you need to pull out more and leave her on her own.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You're right, just pissing her off. I'm going to remain steadfast about the car when I want/need it and she'll coordinate with me. I'm going to do some thinking about what it means to me to just have her as a friend/roommate and act that way. I asked my friend to not tell me about her bad mouthing me or looking to move out. I asked my friend to tell me if it's confirmed she's dating, if there's any acknowledgement of my efforts, or if there are complaints and my friend thinks I can tweak things.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
Alright, I see why I've been told DB is hard when there's no marriage to begin with, with no committment. Since there's no standing committment it makes me feel more and more like I'm being taken advantage of. If I try to act like there is a committment then I chase and smother her and she just feels pressed.
My friend told me that GF has said to her, "if he really loved me he would just let me and the kids do whatever we want" in regards to the car. That I would put zero limitations on it and ask no questions.
I really pushed the boundaries yesterday b/c I don't know how much more I can take, for my own good. I told GF that the only time she has said she isn't my GF is in the heat of the moment, during an arguement. She still wouldn't give me an answer when I brought it up and I huffily told her that I just can't get an answer outside of the heat of the moment.
We talked on the phone later on in the day and she said to me that I keep bringing it up and she said it during an arguement. I said that she keeps reminding me and she says, "you broke up with me" but then I had to get off the phone b/c of work.
So later on still she says we can text about it. So I tell her that I said it in the heat of the moment and I didn't mean it, and I'm sorry. She says that I still said it and I reply that I didn't mean it. So I tell her that if she's taken it to heart and we are just roommates then we need to figure out roommate boundaries. Otherwise, I'm telling her that I un-breakup with her and want her to be my GF and that we make a committment to work through all of this. I ask her if we are roommates or if she's my GF.
She tells me that she doesn't know right now. I wait awhile and ask if she'll talk to me about it since she said she would. She tells me that she's spending time with her family, she doesn't have an answer, and I just keep pushing and coming at her with it.
I've been dark with her since. I knew she wasn't going to be at home last night and won't be home tonight but I made plans for tonight anyway.
After doing more thinking and talking with my friend more we are realizing just how depressed she is. GF has expressed to friend how she's on the brink of mental breakdown and wishes things would just end but knows she needs to stay alive for the kids. She has at times expressed the same kind of stuff to me.
So I went through the "Dealing with the Depressed Spouse" chapter of DR again. Since GF is primarily blaming me for the depression I'm mentally going to try and not take things so personally. I'm also trying to figure out how to get her help since neither of us have insurance and she can't pay herself.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
Alright, I see why I've been told DB is hard when there's no marriage to begin with, with no committment. Since there's no standing committment it makes me feel more and more like I'm being taken advantage of. If I try to act like there is a committment then I chase and smother her and she just feels pressed.
My friend told me that GF has said to her, "if he really loved me he would just let me and the kids do whatever we want" in regards to the car. That I would put zero limitations on it and ask no questions.
I really pushed the boundaries yesterday b/c I don't know how much more I can take, for my own good. I told GF that the only time she has said she isn't my GF is in the heat of the moment, during an arguement. She still wouldn't give me an answer when I brought it up and I huffily told her that I just can't get an answer outside of the heat of the moment.
We talked on the phone later on in the day and she said to me that I keep bringing it up and she said it during an arguement. I said that she keeps reminding me and she says, "you broke up with me" but then I had to get off the phone b/c of work.
So later on still she says we can text about it. So I tell her that I said it in the heat of the moment and I didn't mean it, and I'm sorry. She says that I still said it and I reply that I didn't mean it. So I tell her that if she's taken it to heart and we are just roommates then we need to figure out roommate boundaries. Otherwise, I'm telling her that I un-breakup with her and want her to be my GF and that we make a committment to work through all of this. I ask her if we are roommates or if she's my GF.
She tells me that she doesn't know right now. I wait awhile and ask if she'll talk to me about it since she said she would. She tells me that she's spending time with her family, she doesn't have an answer, and I just keep pushing and coming at her with it.
I've been dark with her since. I knew she wasn't going to be at home last night and won't be home tonight but I made plans for tonight anyway.
After doing more thinking and talking with my friend more we are realizing just how depressed she is. GF has expressed to friend how she's on the brink of mental breakdown and wishes things would just end but knows she needs to stay alive for the kids. She has at times expressed the same kind of stuff to me.
So I went through the "Dealing with the Depressed Spouse" chapter of DR again. Since GF is primarily blaming me for the depression I'm mentally going to try and not take things so personally. I'm also trying to figure out how to get her help since neither of us have insurance and she can't pay herself.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
Very odd day. When I got home she was here and had been calling me but I didn't hear my phone in the car with the music blasting. Then she asks me to take her out to get sisters b/c she forgot her purse. We end up at one of her families houses for the evening and eat. Then home where things have been good. My friend was talking with her and tells me GF is speaking well of me and didn't enjoy her weekend out.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
Oh yeah, on Sun she complimented me on my haircut. She hasn't given me a compliment in a long time.
On one side, I'm having to be very careful not to show resentment and anger over her drinking heavily and staying out until 5am Sat night. She's told me, I didn't ask and just tried to stay neutral. I realize there's nothing I can do about it and berating her won't help.
On the other side, I have to be careful not to take the positive signs from yesterday and this morning and get too excited.
This is hard b/c she told my friend that she didn't enjoy her weekend out and the sense my friend got was that GF was missing me. It seems like a turning point and I can't blow it now.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
My best advice is stop worrying what she is doing, who she is dating, what your friend is saying.
Do your own things, make yourself happy, and treat her with respect when you interact with her. Respect means, look at her when she talks, listen, do not interrupt her, do not raise your voice, do not bring up talks about the past. If she brings up anything about your R. Just tell her, whatever happens, I am always there to support you and if your happy, then I am happy.
Your going to earn her respect by showing her, you can be this Man who can handle the situation with respect. Your going to make changes for yourself to be a better person. You don't have to tell her anything about your positive changes because Actions speak louder than words.
In the end you will love yourself more, even if it doesn't work out.
My friend told me that GF has said to her, "if he really loved me he would just let me and the kids do whatever we want" in regards to the car.
In other words, "if he really loves me he will be my doormat and not complain about it." Some people really do think that's what love is.
Quote:
She tells me that she doesn't know right now. I wait awhile and ask if she'll talk to me about it since she said she would. She tells me that she's spending time with her family, she doesn't have an answer, and I just keep pushing and coming at her with it.
Don't start any R talks. They never go where you want them to.
Originally Posted By: jzoom
Does this seem positive to anybody else?
The part about her staying out drinking until 5 am and supposedly not enjoying it? No. It would be positive if for the next 2 months she doesn't repeat that behavior. That's the only way you'll know that she truly didn't like it.
Yeah, I didn't bring up anything again. I sort of felt like she wanted to see if I was going to ruin yesterday by starting an R talk.
I wasn't meaning just the drinking part. I understand why you mean about if she didn't enjoy it she won't repeat it. What I was meaning is that she was acting differently with me and actually saying positive things about me to my friend. Seems like baby steps in the right direction.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
