The crack in my separated life...

[scaredsilly]

"This is something I cannot show him that I can change when Im NC with him:( "


you are not NC. i see examples of texting and phone conversations. you have opportunities to show him changes, to be positive. you will have to use these limited exchanges to be kind and positive, no matter how he is.

it's good practice to be this way with everyone (strangers, your kids, your family) until it becomes habit.

[Sweetbriar]

The only contact we have now is about the kids and visitation. I am really trying hard to be positive towards him...and I have been doing a good job at it. I have not engaged in any of his attempts to argue.

I am told very regularly from friends and family that I am TOO NICE!

I woke up sad today...have this undying urge lately to contact him but I dont. Life has gotten a tad easier...the things that used to be hard to do are coming a bit easier to do. My kids keep me going everyday, as does the importance of being healthy during pregnancy! I still have anxiety over what will be after the baby is born. I think I just need to have no expectations...so if he wants to be a part, or not, I will be okay.

H sent D a text yesterday of a picture that is hanging in his parents house of my girls as babies...its a collage I put together for his parents many years ago. He told D that his parents really care and love them (the girls) and that they need to give them a chance regardless of their flaws. I wonder if looking at these pictures of our babies makes him sad? I wonder if he ever thinks about us and had a smidge of doubt about what he is doing? I will never know the answers to these questions.

My family is now saying that I better never take him back if he did come back. They are so disappointed at the way he has hurt my kids and I. That makes it harder for me when I hear this from them because it makes me wonder that if he ever did have a change of heart, would we be able to rise above?

I guess I need to stop thinking of how things would be IF we were to get back together and focus on how things are now.

He has been gone 3 months now...and I feel like it gets easier for him to forget about me and "us" the longer he stays away:(

[TSquared2]

Hi SB,

I am told very regularly from friends and family that I am TOO NICE!

How do YOU want to be? They haven't walked in your shoes, they just don't know and are maybe are just repeating "common wisdom". Choose how YOU want to be, it's your journey, not theirs.

My family is now saying that I better never take him back if he did come back. They are so disappointed at the way he has hurt my kids and I. That makes it harder for me when I hear this from them because it makes me wonder that if he ever did have a change of heart, would we be able to rise above?

I have had to REALLY be careful of what I tell my family. They don't know about W's affairs and stuff, they would not accept her back due to what my sister's XH did to her (left her for OW and bomb dropped literally hours after the birth of my sisters and his 2nd child). This is something you may want to think about, they do not need to know everything, and maybe shouldn't.

Hang in there, you are doing great!



T^2

[AnotherStander]

I wonder if looking at these pictures of our babies makes him sad? I wonder if he ever thinks about us and had a smidge of doubt about what he is doing? I will never know the answers to these questions.

Oh yes, he absolutely does have doubts. He may never verbalize them to you, but rest assured he's battling his demons on probably a daily (if not hourly) basis. He knows what he's doing is wrong and he's very likely having a nasty internal struggle over it.

My family is now saying that I better never take him back if he did come back.

Please do yourself and your family a favor and tell them to STFU. They are NOT helping with comments like that. Just tell them you want their support in whatever decision you make and that it is not their call to tell you what is right or wrong for you. Only you know that.

They are so disappointed at the way he has hurt my kids and I.

Of course they are. But that's no reason to advise you to give up. Read up on this in the beginning of DR, it helps explain why they are telling you this. They think they're acting in your best interests, but they're not.

He has been gone 3 months now...and I feel like it gets easier for him to forget about me and "us" the longer he stays away:(

Don't engage in mind-reading, you'll just torture yourself with what-if's. 3 months is not a lot of time, I doubt it's getting any easier on him. Especially with you being pregnant, it probably weighs on him a lot.

[Kimmerz]

Sweet Briar,
T^2 and Stander have given US good advice. I think the hard part is, we need support and need to share this, but we really have to re consider just WHO we share this with. This is why this site has been a safety net for me. Though it seems MLC is running rampid, it really is a very specific, off- the- grid kind of situation. Quite frankly I think it's the test of a lifetime.

Things happen for a reason. My skin has gotten alot tougher through this as yours will too.

I too was told I was too nice by several people. I still am told this.

I too have been told if I ever took him back I would be in big trouble with my friend. I was told he made his bed and he should lay in it, and not give in an inch.

It's true these people are just trying to protect us and care for us! I can't tell you how many times I've done the same thing with friends that were being mistreated.

Any time I tell friends of how XH seems to be changing his actions or ways around me, I get nailed about how it's all a farse and to NEVER FORGET or FORGIVE WHAT HE'S DONE IN THE PAST BECAUSE HE WILL DO IT AGAIN. Im told it's all a mind game, and there's always a motive.

So it's gotten to the point I really don't say as much to them, and if I do I accept they have their opinion, and I have mine. I also acknowledge that I was with this man for 21 years and know him very well and that my biggest supporters really have no clue as to what life really was like with XH and myself during non crisis times.

I've decided at this point and time that sharing too much with others actually keeps me more confused, and more torn up emotionally. I've decided that I must decide how to deal with my XH and whatever goes on between us on my own. I have better tools and education on what's really going on. The detatchment has allowed me to really look back and really see just WTH XH was trying to tell me in the beginning of all this. You'll get that too. It's just takes time and persistence on our part to educate and learn about MLC, all the while working on ourselves too. I was just too traumatized after bomb drop to understand what was really going on with XH. I had never seen such insanity in my entire life.

On another note, how are you feeling? How's the baby doing? And the new job? Despite what's going on, you're really holding it together VERY WELL. I swear if I was PG when XH pulled this, I shudder to think what I would've done!

[bustingout]

I've decided at this point and time that sharing too much with others actually keeps me more confused, and more torn up emotionally. I've decided that I must decide how to deal with my XH and whatever goes on between us on my own. I have better tools and education on what's really going on. The detatchment has allowed me to really look back and really see just WTH XH was trying to tell me in the beginning of all this.

I agree with this completely Kimmerz.

Other people, friends, even family, will mean well. Yet, we need to remember the R we had was between us and our H and nobody else. We know/see things that others cannot/do not.


SB, How ARE you doing? The pregnancy? The new job? Any cravings? lol. I LOVED Reese's peanut butter cups when I was pregnant...lol (i am still carrying some of those cups around my bum up until today :-))

[Sweetbriar]

Kimmerz...is your H still in crisis mode? I went back and read most of your original post and wow....what a mess! Mine is equally messy, but it just baffles me how these things happen to good people and good families:(

Thanks to all for asking how I am doing! Physically, I feel great! I am 23 weeks and have an active baby in there:) I must admit though, that the kicking sometimes can bring tears when I realize that H will never feel it:( I also have lots of friends already planning a shower and it wont be until January! THey are all so excited and have been very supportive! No sickness this whole pregnancy..thank God! I have done enough crying to fill a lake...didnt need to be getting sick on top of that! My biggest craving is tomato stuff..(weird, I know...) but like spaghetti sauce and tomato soup? Must be for the salt..which is not good for me! I get compliments daily of how great I look for being this pregnant and it makes me feel good! I wish this site could have pictures! I would post a pic of the sonogram:) My job doesnt start until the 19th..but Im excited!! Gotta keep busy and get out everyday!

Mentally, Im not as well! I have many moments of tears but they are quick cries and Im done. Much better than the sobbing all day fits I had in the beginning. Tonight I cried for the first time in days when I was making dinner and I remembered something that H used to say every night when he came home. I just started thinking that I will never have him coming home for dinner again and I got sad:(

I hate to sound so final..but its so hard to think positive when he is in this state of mind. Nothing matters to him but HIM.

I was thinking tonight..kinda fantasizing..that if he ever did come home would he be able to break the friendship that he had with OW? I mean, I know they are having an affair, but do the MLCers get scared of what will happen if that new friendship is no longer in their lives? He had told me in the past that she is so good to him and of course, that he loves her and she cares for him. Why would he leave all that? I actually think that my H is in this relationship more for the emotional part than the physical..its just how he has always been...I mean, I know they are physical..but he clings to anyone who will give him positive attention.

The whole family thing...well..I do know what DR says. I know they are only looking for me to be happy again and they are convinced that it will never be with H again. I know the man he used to be..in fact, all our friends and family know it too..but its easy for them to say walk away and never look back.

I sometimes wish I never filed for separation, because I don/t know that he would have..but I felt like I HAD to because of the constant threat of forclosure on my home. I needed security..especially with the kids. I feel like filing for sep goes automatically into D and I hate that feeling that it will be over in a year:(

One more thing..H thinks that everyone is against him and that everywhere he goes in our town that he is being looked at because of what he did. Of course, this is not true, but I feel like that is another thing that would stop him from ever coming back. I feel like he would be too ashamed...are they ever able to get over that feeling of shame and guilt when they come out of this? I guess it probably depends on the person?

Sometimes I wonder if its worth all the time I have tried to put the puzzle together...and according to everyone here, its not been that long for me. 7 months since I found out, but H was back and forth for awhile..so 3 months since he left for good. I just wonder some days if I should just leave the pieces of the puzzle scattered and walk away:(

[littleGTO]

SweetBriar,
You are a good person and doing a lot of good things for you and your children. You are also leaving the door open for your H to someday be a more active part of your life.

Keep the hope, but act "as if."

My H is in some version of MLC w OW too (although their R is an EA right now, which I agree w what you said about the emotional attachment being so strong--at least that's what they believe). ANd yes, I agree that it would be VERY difficult for them to give up the OW easily. Difficult but not impossible. But they have to CHOOSE it themselves...and that's what we're leaving the door open for right now.

My mom said today that God doesn't give you any more than you can handle...well, I would say you have your plate more than full, so I'm guessing that you are DUE for some positive, wonderful things to happen in the new year (including your baby).

Hang in there--I'm thinking of you!!!

[Kimmerz]

Sweet B, to answer your question I have no idea if XH is in crisis mode at this time. He has a tendency to cycle. Right now we're in a good cycle, but all summer he was pissed at me and barely spoke.4 months prior to summer time he was in another good cycle but our divorce was winding down and my attorney had to jump on him for misbehaving. Turns out XH was all nice because he found a way to slip out of agreed child support before it was court ordered. I nailed him on it...oh lord that was a nice fight we had!

Now we're talking and friendly with one another. Quite frankly I never know what to think when he's nice to me. I've gotten to the point I can take small increments of face to face talk with him and more texting than normal. But it still wears on me. Truth be known I can't see me ever trusting anything that man does or says to me from now on. I told him I didn't trust him.

At any rate I wanted to say I understand how empty the home can feel like, especially when dinner time comes. Things just seem to happen and you remember small things you took for granted every day.

Also you did the right and responsible thing by filing for separation! Hey reality is reality! You have entitlements from the marriage, just as he does. So you're doing the right things. It's true that sometimes just the legal orders coming from divorce or separation is the best way to protect yourself in these sitches. Im very grateful for my divorce because XH's wages are garnished and automatically deposited in my bank account. That is such a relief not having to deal with him on the money issues anymore.

Take care!

Kimmerz

[Accuray]

Hi Sweetbriar,

You need to try to train yourself not to spin out these scenarios, you are torturing yourself. I will answer a couple of your questions based on my own experience, but you're better off not worrying about these things right now if you can help it.

I was thinking tonight..kinda fantasizing..that if he ever did come home would he be able to break the friendship that he had with OW?

Yes, affairs are based on fantasy, and eventually reality intrudes. When the fantasy is broken and the "real people" come to light, neither of them are perfect, and they will have the same compatibility challenges that most people have, plus the added shame and stigma of being "affair partners". That is distasteful and embarrassing for both of them, and there is definitely motivation to try and forget the whole thing...eventually. It can take a *long time* to get there, but that's usually how things go. I'm not aware of anyone who has staying a "long term friend" of a former affair partner.

In my W's case, the OM cut all contact (like you're supposed to do to end an affair). W was extremely hurt, grieved for a long time, and mainly took it out on me. Eventually, however, she finished grieving and saw the relationship for what it was -- wrong and a fantasy. At that point, she was more or less embarrassed by it and just wanted it to go away.

I mean, I know they are having an affair, but do the MLCers get scared of what will happen if that new friendship is no longer in their lives?

Yes! Everyone is afraid of being alone. That's why they go find an affair partner rather than confronting you with their troubles to begin with. If you don't respond favorably to their complaints, they're afraid they'll be alone. This fear definitely can prolong an affair, but if that's the only motivation it's lost its magic.

He had told me in the past that she is so good to him and of course, that he loves her and she cares for him. Why would he leave all that?

Because it's not real -- they don't *really* know each other. They haven't seen the proverbial sink full of dirty dishes. If she was the catch of the year, would she be hanging out in a bar trying to hook up with married men? She's not that great. He's blinded himself to the bad, but deep down he knows it's there. He's just going to deny it for as long as he can.

I actually think that my H is in this relationship more for the emotional part than the physical..its just how he has always been...I mean, I know they are physical..but he clings to anyone who will give him positive attention.

I would say that's always the case. I don't think you'll find anyone posting on this sight because their spouse has purely physical one-nighters with different people. It's always a long term emotional connection that does the most damage. Honestly, the physical really doesn't matter that much other than the horrible mental images it gives us. Even without the physical, the emotional is just as painful.

One more thing..H thinks that everyone is against him and that everywhere he goes in our town that he is being looked at because of what he did. Of course, this is not true, but I feel like that is another thing that would stop him from ever coming back. I feel like he would be too ashamed...are they ever able to get over that feeling of shame and guilt when they come out of this?

You're looking at it backwards -- the guilt and shame comes from *NOT* coming back. Everyone would like to see him make amends. That's the path out of shame, not into it.

What *can* keep them from coming back is if they believe that you will never forgive them, will throw it in their face for the rest of their lives, and forever hold it over their heads. They envision that every time you have a disagreement, you will say "well at least I didn't cheat on you!". That's why you have to train yourself NOT TO GO THERE. You must not do or say things that make him resent you more.

One of the most powerful things you can do is to normalize without condoning. For instance, "look, I understand how you got involved with this -- your needs weren't being met. Everyone enjoys attention from the opposite sex, everyone likes to feel special." That's not saying that what he did was okay, but you're acknowledging that you understand how it can happen. When you can demonstrate your capacity to understand, they can believe that you can forgive. I would NOT go rushing out and send H a text or an e-mail like this right now. You need to wait until he's willing to engage with you with some degree of openness and you're not there yet.

Sweetbriar, people can and do move beyond affairs. If H came back tomorrow, however, you'd be in for at least 12-18 months of difficulty and pain, piecing holds many of it's own challenges, it's the starting line, not the finish line. *Eventually* however you can move beyond it. How do you get there? You have to be a spouse that only a fool would leave. When you know that you are an *expert* at meeting your H's needs and have dealt with your own issues, your H's happiness and satisfaction with the marriage will provide you with all the reassurance you need, and you will spend zero time thinking about this day to day.

You need to figure out what that marriage looks like -- not only for him but for you. You are responsible to teach your partner how to meet YOUR needs, and to explain it explicitly and not to expect mind reading. There is a journey there, but once you're educated, it's very empowering because you know you have what it takes to make it work. Once you're there, it doesn't matter if H comes back or not, because YOU have the tools to have a successful relationship with whomever you choose to have one with.

Accuray