So an update for you fine folks... I sent along the email that I posted yesterday, letting her know the $ would be in her account this morning (and it is), explaining the accounting issue that held it up (which I probably should have explained earlier in the week, but oh well) and telling her to take care of herself.
When I checked that work email this morning, she had responded a few minute later with a simple "Thank you, H".
And that, my friends, is the end of this particular chapter. No need for extra analysis. It was a simple, business-like exchange with a "take care of yourself", as has become the M.O.
And I feel fine about it all.
Now I set my sites on the rest of this work day and the event-filled weekend on tap... Right after work, a co-worker is having a going-away party, which I'll attend for a while... Then a group of friends is going to go take in an MMA fight live (not normally my cup of tea, but doing something different should be fun) and since we'll be on casino property after the fight, I'm sure we'll be dropping by the Blackjack tables for a couple hours!
I also received an email from a guy I pitched a story idea to a couple weeks ago that wants to meet on Monday to make me a "Very Generous" offer, so that's exciting too!
Thanks again for all your feedback over the last couple days. I truly see everyone's opinions on the matter as very valid, and I'm proud that I was able to digest it all and make a decision without feeling paralyzed by the options in front of me.
I'm really starting to get quite tired of the Monday doldrums. I think my next goal needs to be how to wake up on Monday morning and not feel the same damn way every time...
It is interesting though... this morning, I realized that while I was showering, getting ready for work, I was taking an inventory of the weekend, the ups and downs... and that's when this old-familiar feeling really started to sink in.
Anyway, I had a pretty great weekend. Had a late night on Friday night with some friends... Saturday morning was spent recovering, then getting out of the house with the doggie, running errands, and staying in for the night to watch some movies and just be lazy. Yesterday was the normal Sunday routine of meeting up with friends to watch the games... but it got more interesting as the day wore on.
Long story short, after most of my friends had left and I was getting ready to head out myself, a mutual friend of W and I who I hadn't seen for a few months showed up and we started chatting. Again, summarizing here, he started telling me how shocked he was when W defriended him on FB, and was even more shocked when he learned that we had separated. He went on to tell me that it was so shocking to him because W always spoke so highly of me and our M, told him many times how lucky she was to have married me etc... he said he's been around the block a TON and is good at seeing through things like that when they're not sincere... but he didn't see any of that...
So I didn't go into too many details, but just explained that she had moved away and was on her own path now... and that I was working on everything I could to better myself in the hopes of one day reconciling with W...
He, like most people, wasn't thrilled about my plan... giving me the whole "You can do better" thing that seems to echo through all of these conversations... but this time I was able to simply thank him for his kind words and let him know that I've though long and hard about my past, present, and future and I'm on the path that I want to be on. Thankfully, he accepted that and we caught up on other non-W related things.
His utter disbelief and recanting of conversations they'd had just a few months before the bomb drop haunted me on my drive home, but I did my best to keep the emotions under control while I was driving.
I got home, played with my puppy for a few minutes, then went promptly to bed...
So that's the recap of the weekend... now for today...
I've made an appointment to see my IC, who I haven't seen in almost a month (last time I saw him was a few days after W packed up her stuff)... he has a great way of helping me get my head on straight again and helps me see new perspectives on these types of things... and hopefully he can help with this Monday-Blues thing!
I also want to hear from him in regards to W's birthday tomorrow... And I know exactly why... Literally everyone is telling me to NOT say anything... no email... no text... no smoke-signals... nothing...
And I see the wisdom in that. I really do I see why that is probably the best way to go.
But I simply can't shake the feeling of that being a vindictive thing to do...
I'm sure he'll help me get my head around why it's not a good idea... as each of you has tried to do thus far!
"Oh my God, he's actually moving on!!! No really? Not him. He loves me! He said so himself! Surely he'll text me or say something nice on his next text. But he didn't. What's going on? Am I losing him? My God, what am I doing? This is crazy! Maybe I'll say something about how my life is messed up in my next work related e-mail. Surely he'll fall for that. After all, he's head over heels in love with me. He'll do anything for me. What? Nothing? I don't understand. Is he done with me? What's going on? Am I really losing him? Wait, my birthday is up soon. I bet you he'll write me a nice note. Yes. That's it, He's going to write me a birthday note. I'm sure he will. I'm sure he still loves me. I got him right where I need him, for now."
Now I admit that all of this is fictional and might not be the way things are. But what if it is?
Take care mate!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
And by the way, I must say that I really admire your strength and conviction in your plan and your path. Sometimes, I think that maybe I moved to the stage that I'm at a little too fast... that maybe I should have "stuck around" for a while longer before taking the steps I took... But there's no going back now...
Alk, you may be the first person -- in my entire time on this forum -- who reports that they wish they had moved SLOWER.
It's almost always the other way around: "Wish I had been faster/bolder/stronger/took more risk, etc. Where I see people most miserable are those that are in LIMBO.
Ha Starsky! That didn't come off AT ALL like I wanted it to! The follies of hurriedly updating the site on my phone!
I don't mean that I wish I was still in limbo (although it certainly feels that way some days in this darkness) or that I wish I hadn't taken the steps I took.
I was more referencing the fact that although I took the steps, it's awfully confusing on days like today where my conviction wavers... when despite knowing it would be hurtful in the long run, that I'd just really like to be able to have a conversation with W... despite the situation we're in...
The good news is I know where these particular thoughts are coming from (Birthday stuff) and the rational part of my mind is getting good at reminding me that I'm doing everything I can do to continue moving forward.
So yeah, I totally didn't phrase that right, but I hope that clears it up a little bit...
Gotcha! Anyway, it wasn't a dig -- just an observation. I've often heard it said that there are two things that a man never says on his deathbed, and those are "I wish I had spent more time at the office," and "I wish had taken less risk with my life." And I've always felt that was sooooo true!!
You know... Re-reading the "Birthday" posts and thinking it over a bit more...
Maybe by me NOT doing anything tomorrow, that is indeed the biggest gesture of "I'm moving forward with or without you" that I can possibly give... Because in the darkness here, I doubt she's getting any sort of signs of my progress (as I've eschewed social media for a while now and we have exactly zero mutual acquaintances which we BOTH talk to still).
But man, it's just so hard to not do ANYTHING, knowing that it may really hurt her to not hear from me... And no matter what type of progress, detachment or dropping of the rope that I do, I'll never want to do something (or not do something) to intentionally hurt her or her feelings...
Also, on an ever-important side note: I'm doing a TERRIBLE job at one of my 180s: Being strong in my decisions and not wavering... I've got to work harder on that one.
