MLC w/Depression...withdrawing!

[albamarie]

thanks nero - I am a bull - a Taurus that is, and she can get so angry and so stubborn I don't like to let that part of me out to much, it's exhausting! But, I am trying to let the anger I need come out enough to stand my ground.

I live in a small Suburb attached by many others - than country side about a half hour away. So I can go south on the highway, go to the country, pick apples, go pick a tree, or go North and be in the hustle of the city.

My community has all the bells and whistles of any, but I have done all those things while raising my kids. I don't feel right settling into the neighborhood doing's and domestic life when I don't feel married.

It's hard to see couples I know and their spouse didn't flake out, and an h is being so sweet to everyone, or a father helping his kids. My H didn't go to my D18 graduation, she got a hug from someone else's dad, it made me cry!

I spent Sun. crazy warm as it was, putting up white light on the front bushes so when I'm ready, just hit the switch and instant winter light festivities. My h spent the whole weekend in bed, literally, and comment twice on why am I not relaxing, why work, it's all for nothing, just watch tv.

I realized just then he may be talking about himself. He may be guilty that he can't get his own a$$ moving, and the efforts "He" makes in life are worth nothing, and why is his wife on a ladder (his words) when he has house projects undone.

I ignored him - even went in the attic for my old Playstation - he hated me up there - and put all the yard furniture away. Stupid big yard "he" had to have and now it's mine I guess, I need yard Crashers DYI to come make it a cool retreat do it up all cozy with a hot tub.

Well key words there was I ignored him! I don't want to give him so much attention in my mind or in person. I really really don't, it doesn't feel good to do so. He's not even my type of person any more, not a person I want around my kids, my parents and especially if I were to make new friends.

I am getting better everyday, I do back slide, but I'm starting to see a hormonal (girl thing) pattern to my cry jags! Maybe those days I should have some plans in place to get away from the walking testosterone emitter.

Friday day ea/ow left a message on my phone, I downloaded an app that sends unknown calls straight to voice, she was insulted (ok) at the idea that h told her he was going to hang with her gang on TGing. She said he will not be allowed to use her to $hit on his family, and made it clear he is not welcome. I didn't respond or tell h.

Friday night h says, he's probably going to stay home for TGing (no reason though I know better) and will stay out of our way blah blah! I didn't even respond, he's so stupid, he said he has to keep the love for us buried deep down, so he can't love us. He's been shut down so now home is his were he's stuck (my words).

He can sit in the garage for all I care...he said the dog was above him in the family ranks...so I guess Logan gets a bowl were an H & F would sit. That's fine with me, he's a really gorgeous loving dog.

I can no longer seek out the rants, even though the rants to make me feel better at times. Your right at times they do, like a release and sometimes I even like that now he's miserable because of it, not good, bad Dawn!

This is so much work, so much psychology behind it and it turns even the smartest most rational people into crazy town residents and there we stay almost needing to remain. I guess if I see that much, I'm not crazy just lost.