MLC w/Depression...withdrawing!

[albamarie]

thanks nero - I am a bull - a Taurus that is, and she can get so angry and so stubborn I don't like to let that part of me out to much, it's exhausting! But, I am trying to let the anger I need come out enough to stand my ground.

I live in a small Suburb attached by many others - than country side about a half hour away. So I can go south on the highway, go to the country, pick apples, go pick a tree, or go North and be in the hustle of the city.

My community has all the bells and whistles of any, but I have done all those things while raising my kids. I don't feel right settling into the neighborhood doing's and domestic life when I don't feel married.

It's hard to see couples I know and their spouse didn't flake out, and an h is being so sweet to everyone, or a father helping his kids. My H didn't go to my D18 graduation, she got a hug from someone else's dad, it made me cry!

I spent Sun. crazy warm as it was, putting up white light on the front bushes so when I'm ready, just hit the switch and instant winter light festivities. My h spent the whole weekend in bed, literally, and comment twice on why am I not relaxing, why work, it's all for nothing, just watch tv.

I realized just then he may be talking about himself. He may be guilty that he can't get his own a$$ moving, and the efforts "He" makes in life are worth nothing, and why is his wife on a ladder (his words) when he has house projects undone.

I ignored him - even went in the attic for my old Playstation - he hated me up there - and put all the yard furniture away. Stupid big yard "he" had to have and now it's mine I guess, I need yard Crashers DYI to come make it a cool retreat do it up all cozy with a hot tub.

Well key words there was I ignored him! I don't want to give him so much attention in my mind or in person. I really really don't, it doesn't feel good to do so. He's not even my type of person any more, not a person I want around my kids, my parents and especially if I were to make new friends.

I am getting better everyday, I do back slide, but I'm starting to see a hormonal (girl thing) pattern to my cry jags! Maybe those days I should have some plans in place to get away from the walking testosterone emitter.

Friday day ea/ow left a message on my phone, I downloaded an app that sends unknown calls straight to voice, she was insulted (ok) at the idea that h told her he was going to hang with her gang on TGing. She said he will not be allowed to use her to $hit on his family, and made it clear he is not welcome. I didn't respond or tell h.

Friday night h says, he's probably going to stay home for TGing (no reason though I know better) and will stay out of our way blah blah! I didn't even respond, he's so stupid, he said he has to keep the love for us buried deep down, so he can't love us. He's been shut down so now home is his were he's stuck (my words).

He can sit in the garage for all I care...he said the dog was above him in the family ranks...so I guess Logan gets a bowl were an H & F would sit. That's fine with me, he's a really gorgeous loving dog.

I can no longer seek out the rants, even though the rants to make me feel better at times. Your right at times they do, like a release and sometimes I even like that now he's miserable because of it, not good, bad Dawn!

This is so much work, so much psychology behind it and it turns even the smartest most rational people into crazy town residents and there we stay almost needing to remain. I guess if I see that much, I'm not crazy just lost.

[albamarie]

Journaling: Tonight I am not going to loose my cool, I'm going to remember that it's not worth the fight because my H is not the H I knew - right now!

I have been having a problem with flying off the handle these days, saying exactly what's on my mind. I am trying to be careful not to be argumentative, but to be tough in my stance.

I don't know - maybe I'm doing this all wrong! I just feel strong, like I don't want to take his sh!t and damit I'm going to let him know! I don't think I know how to be strong me, while staying quiet about what bugs me.

If I am to be myself, myself would not take his crap. His crap being his sitting around depressed all weekend, talking to ea, being a slob.

He married me because I was strong and now he can just do whatever and I cant show strength? I need to show it in GAL, that's strength to move on without him, do I want to show that? Yea, I think!

[nero]

It's hard to see couples I know and their spouse didn't flake out, and an h is being so sweet to everyone, or a father helping his kids. My H didn't go to my D18 graduation, she got a hug from someone else's dad, it made me cry!

boy- do i get it. i have gotten blubberie a few timesmyself and i don't even have kids. it's the friends & their husbands all just well, dugin and staying that way- that does it to me. they ahve all teh "junk" we have- but their h stays put. howcome our h's don't appreciate what they have (at all)???? oh mannnn

[albamarie]

When was the last time my H said I was a pretty, a great wife, great mother, the best person he's ever had in his life, and it wasn't followed by I know I'd be crazy to leave all this, but I'm considering my options?

Longer than any spouse would like to admite to them selves or the world!

Everyone has junk in there lives, is a realistic understanding of what life's about. My H's friends all in the same business have and still do endure life's challenges, He's jealous of these men, (some of them he used to be chief over) because they didn't loose there grip on life, they persevered where he flipped.

I am going through the why me phase. My H was the top, Emmy award given , man in his field. Still considered the "one" to count on, but also the one who spiraled down, looks like crap, and is very erratic on the job.

My S21 is going to excel in his fathers footsteps that he paved out for him while he looses everything we worked for the last 21yrs in this business.

That's what I get to look forward to, and the lack of a marriage, my H as a person as well?

So yea, it's hard to see couples and come back home to this. I don't want to come home some days, I need a new agenda for myself, it's such a slow process I may wither away before anything becomes clear to me

I'm going to GAL today, leave him here, and maybe even go get that pie I've been eyeballing at the bakery!

[AnotherStander]

I have been having a problem with flying off the handle these days, saying exactly what's on my mind. I am trying to be careful not to be argumentative, but to be tough in my stance.

I don't know - maybe I'm doing this all wrong! I just feel strong, like I don't want to take his sh!t and damit I'm going to let him know! I don't think I know how to be strong me, while staying quiet about what bugs me.

Well it's not in keeping with DB'ing, but it sounds like you may be going through a transition from LBS to WAS. And that's OK, there's nothing wrong with that. It happens a lot in these situations. Many people get tired of trying to pander to their WAS, especially if they're being weak and wishy-washy. That can lead to the LBS finding empowerment and pushing the WAS away. Often when this happens the WAS will beg/ plead thus becoming a LBS. Total role reversal.

[albamarie]

AnotherStander - That is a very interesting way to look at my sitch. A LBS to a WAS, I will have to read up on what that really means and how it may pertains to me.

Weak and wishy-washy, yes that's what H has become, maybe always was but it was masked by his screaming rants and now he's out of hot air.

What I think of right away it that "I" am ready to stray away from my own sitch consequences be dambed. I am not seeing a future or change that I would be happy with in staying in this fight.

But I will read not assume. thanks for the post, it's helpful!

[albamarie]

Do they really go into ''Total role reversal''? I fear sometimes it would create the "yea, she finally got a clue" role in him. I don't know why I still worry at all, gotta let that go!

[albamarie]

''Simply stay strong in your words and actions... Tell him you WON'T tolerate him treating you this way anymore.

Put your foot down and keep it there.

You deserve more... and only you can get what you deserve''.

I need to read this often and remember this almost all through out my day in order not to slip up, when does this become habit?

I have been keeping to myself these few days, going off into other rooms and initiating less conversation with H. This morning he asked me to sit through a doc. on tv, I declined, after a while he was watching tv through the kitchen while doing dishes. He hasn't done that is several months, when normally it was a constant morning chore for him since we married.

He expressed that I have lost weight, dress better (ditched the mom look) also saying I look better w/out my glasses. THe funny thing is it sounded as if he was taking credit, saying that this sitch has done something good for me. (slap )

BOy, I can't win with this man...he went as far as saying I can't win. He just gets louder, taller, meaner, colder, and now he's quiet it comes out condescending, narcissistic, proud!

I'm 45 he's approaching 53yrs, I look (people tell me) much younger, he looks much older, so he went as far as saying I could go find someone my age or younger, I have a lot to offer a ''good'' man. Maybe I should drive to Chicago and just cruise down Michigan Ave. until Mr. Hansom jumps into the car, yea!

I know it's part of the script, but my goodness how far out is this MOther Ship they get their thoughts from?

Anyway, I am going try my best to be strong, stay back from him, and continue forward. I feel as if I say this every other day, I know I do make progress as well as backslide so I'm going to see that as a good start.

[albamarie]

Journaling:

This evening H and I sat together over some warm bread I made w/tea and honey. It is one of his favorite simple pleasures, as well as mine on a cold night. We seemed so normal, laughing lightly over who is going to refill the plate, keeping things natural.

I looked at him remembering all the spew - and concluding how the hell is he ever going to come back, want to recommit to this M when he's so adamant about his decisions.

He would actually have to quite his job or stop crying about the distance, before he would ever even quite dropping by ea's house. Things like that, that seem so impossible for him to give up, stop doing, or even start doing like be attentive to me as a wife.

I can't help, maybe it's my own stage I'm going through, but think that this is never going to be enough for me, or even slightly what I want in a R. I won't go back, can't stay here like this, and see no sign of a future that fits my needs.

I feel as if this is one of many phases I have gone through, and will go through, but this one is interesting. These thoughts don't make me sad, the're my conclusions I'm considering, not being pushed to except by H.

Maybe this too will pass and I will come to realize something else. Honestly I have opened my mind to the idea of getting to know new people. I have shed my married eyes (thoughts) for an open mind, open to new idea's.

It's because of what I want in my life for me today, that I think I might welcome a new journey without H. I'm reading about WAS and can see that I may be headed into that mind frame, though I haven't shown anything out right yet!

It's funny because I'm not thinking D at all, but I am thinking new! Now which one of us is more confused?

[2chiquitos]

Is it just me or does it sound as if you're detaching??