Thanks, AJ. I understand that it's confusing for you. It's confusing for me. I go from hating him and wanting to walk away and never look back, to wanting a close, intimate, loving R with him. I know I have some things to work on, too, and I tend to lose focus on them at times. For me, it's like trying to study for an exam while the stereo is blaring. Some people work well like that, I'm not one of them.
I had my girls' weekend away at the lake this weekend. What a fabulous time! Not just in regards to the shopping, eating, drinking, games, crafts, laughs, etc., but in terms of witnessing other W's and how they talk/think/respond to their H's. Not in the public way when the couples are all together, but when they speak of them in a safe, private, intimate environment with other women. I can't really define what it was specifically, just the overall impression of fondness "in spite of." Some of their issues were the same, some were different, some easier, some harder. It was just very refreshing to see their healthy response.
There were also several situations at the lake house that altered my mood of late. There was a problem with the circuit breakers and the water wasn't heating, so I was able to help the house owner figure out her own switches (because her H usually handles it.) Then she and a couple of others were trying to figure out the jet ski lift because it went down but wouldn't come back up. I determined that the GFI on the extension cord was bad, and we plugged directly into the outlet temporarily and everything worked great. They were appreciative and I felt like a hero. Whereas I sometimes think my "manly" skills make me appear unfeminine, they sure came in handy. So I'm trying to re-think, that "competent" does not equal unfeminine. Plus, at one point, I got a huge compliment of how "put together" I usually look (what??!!!) and when I said I needed to go through and purge my closet, they wanted dibs. Not *AT ALL* how I see myself. Curious.
So the weekend was almost like a spiritual retreat for me. I came back rejuvenated. Almost too much so. I'm very much a "let's jump in and get this done, now, and let's not stop until it is" type of person. But people aren't chores and I realize it isn't that easy. So whereas I would previously have jumped right in and then been disappointed shortly thereafter because everything wasn't "fixed," I put on the brakes, gently.
During the weekend, I texted a couple of times and called H just to check in. He seemed really appreciative. (In part because it got him out of the chore he was doing...lol) And when I got home, I spent some time sharing my weekend with him, and his with me, which he also enjoyed. And I did too, TBH. I noticed that he made a point to position himself so that a he was facing me, giving me his full attention. Then he stayed with me in the room while I was checking emails and such.
This morning when he left for work, I chatted with him for a few minutes, then went to give him a hug, to which he responded, "Really?" It almost broke my heart. I want to throw myself at him and give him everything he wants, but I know that's a problem of mine (being a "fixer") and I have to fight that impulse. I recognize that when I do that, I leave myself empty and resentful. But it did give me a glaring insight into how hard this is for him, too.
Usually when the ladies leave to come back, we have a quick breakfast and head out before noon. Well I had texted that to H, so initially he was expecting us home early. I texted him otherwise but then didn't contact him again. I had driven and so I had four other ladies in my van driving several hours home in the rain and then the dark. It's nerve-wracking for me anyway. I had my phone in my purse on vibe and wouldn't have wanted to mess with it anyway, but H had texted me twice and tried to call 3 times. I didn't hear. He was getting worried. Now he could have called one of the other ladies if he was truly bothered. But other than mentioning it, he was really quite good about my not answering. Much better than I would have been, TBH. That was humbling.
So to sum things up, I want to R my M, but I am SCARED. TO. DEATH. I don't want to lose my mojo again. I've turned back so many times, only to be massively disappointed, I'm afraid I'm running out of the will to try again. I want to own MY part in this dysfunction, and though I know some of it, I'm sure I don't know all of it yet. I want to reengage in a healthy way, slowly, and not all in, all at once. I want to intercept some of these issues before they become mountains. I am very competent, and though I can't do it FOR him, I should certainly be able to do it WITH him.
I want to work at letting go of some of my ideals of M. H is probably never going to be the "provider" that I would like him to be. That needs to be okay with me. At this point, he's probably never going to be smarter than me. That needs to be okay, too. He still has a whole lot of good qualities. And he's is working on the others that he can improve.
How do I hang onto this mood/attitude/resolve/focus/priority/whatever-it-is?? He is going to mess up. I KNOW that. How do I separate that from the 47 times he's done it before? Or prevent it from being so painful/frustrating/disappointing because we're there AGAIN? How do I step back into this SLOWLY? I feel like I'm handling a newborn infant and so much is at stake and I don't know how.
