I am sorry you have also had your struggles lately, but am glad that you are feeling better. You are under a lot of stress right now, so please be kind to yourself, will you?
What you and bug are discussing resonates so much with me. After a lot of heartache and therapy, I am fully aware now of my bad communication dynamics with my H as well. He says he always feels like he is walking on eggshells with me and I fully get why now. For a long time I didn't really get it, but now I do.
I have also learned to recognize that I am a terrible listener as well and the advice we get here is golden. Just shut up. Shut up and listen. I reminded myself of that during today before seeing H during the girls' gymnastics class and it helped. Of course today H was not really in a talkative mood anyways and avoided me most of the lesson, which also made it easier - LOL...
Anyways, I want to tell you that I will keep you and your S in my prayers for his procedure. I am sure everything will go well and if the dr. reschedules, then you'll know it is for the best. As you say, let go and let God.
Once things settle down for you, we can set up a play date, ok?
((((take care of yourself)))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
it is SO, SO difficult to have all these incredibly difficult feelings about our S and then to not mention them when they are triggered.
this is an opportunity to brush yourself off and really look at what happened in the conversation. i know that i have a big tendency to go into victim mode so i have been reading lynne forrest's stuff online about the victim triangle. i never understood before that the victim has three faces (victim ,persecutor, rescuer) so that even when i was not in the classic victim role i was still playing the victim, just in other ways.
you have grown so much vero.. so incredibly much.. don't forget to acknowledge that!
((((((((( ))))))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
KG and NG, I'm sending you both (and everyone else) a huge cyber electric hug!!! BZZZzzz LMAO! Sorry, I crack myself up :-P
NG-I hope I have grown so much. I look back at the beginning and remember how angry I was. No wonder H was so distant. I would send him nasty (really nasty) texts at 3am using every word in the book. Back in Jan he said he still cringed when he'd get a text from me.
I love how you're such a wealth of knowledge when it comes to working on our serenity! Love it!
I hope we can go bike riding at the beach once it gets warmer (75deg + for us Calis ;-)
KG-You choked me up when you said you pray for S4 n I. Reminds me when S4 was born and people would tell me this. I didn't have faith then. I was polite and said thank you. But it's different now. I have so much more faith in God and appreciate peoples prayers so much more as well.
And if your H doesn't want to talk to you, he's doing YOU the favor! Now you don't have to work so hard at NC! lol!
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Journaling Great great news! H n I filed our taxes back in Feb and BARELY got our check yesterday!! Turns out someone stole Hs SSN and tried filing with it so IRS was withholding our check until they verified Hs real identity. Thank GOD!
We have been so limited that strawberries were a luxury!! lol! Huge sigh of relief! But boy oh boy did it teach me to appreciate things, like GAS!
Also, my aunt is refusing to pay rent because of the argument she had with H a couple months back so that really tightened our budget even more. Plus side to this, I owe her money and she wants the rent to be deducted from that! So more tax money for us!!
Things are looking up today!
AND! MIL said she had a talk with H, SIL n BIL. She told them that she was tired of all three of them taking advantage of her. BLEW ME AWAY!! MIL is super duper passive aggressive and very very codependent! I've been telling H for years that HE needs to appreciate her more and not expect her to do things for him. I'm so glad this came from her.
Anyways, I have 3hrs to myself and I'm on the computer! lol! Still in my pjs with a super messy house. I think I'll ditch this joint and find me something to do....
LOVE YOU ALL!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
You sound great vero! What a super PMA. Keep it up girl.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thank you Bustingout n Arsene! I do feel good. There are moments when I'm down but I'm able to pick myself up from them a lot better.
Journaling####################### H n I took the kids to a bday party. Kids had a great time. There was a photobooth and he suggested we take a pix the four of us...I was thinking just the kids but why not?
Guests at the party were coming up and saying, "I didn't recognize you. You look GREAT!" me: (beaming)
I wondered what could it have been. They said the bangs and lighter shade of hair color. I've gone dark for so long that it's been years I went lighter.
All in all it was really nice. Absolutely no expectations.
Tomorrow H had planned we go hiking with the kids but he changed it to going shopping for the kids at the outlets. I was ok with that although I was looking forward to the hike. Then he invited his mom. I was ok with that too but now I was REALLY looking forward to the hike. I felt resentment creeping up.
Resentment: H includes his mother in family outings when I look forward to family time. Ex. Trip to San Fran 3yrs ago. H invited her and since S4 was only 1yr old I spent most of the time in the hotel while H n MIL and SIL had a great time!
How did I contribute? I never said how much I was looking forward to the trip as a family (excluding MIL n SIL). I should have said, if we plan on taking this trip with extended family then let's plan a trip in the next 2mos where it's just us.
How can I work on this resentment? Tell him, I enjoy having your mother along however I would also like to have time without her soon (within the next week).
So I just got off the phone and told him. I think I said it in a much softer way than the way I used to talk to him. He gave a big sigh and agreed. I asked if it was ok and he said yes.
I don't feel comfortable with that big sigh and I don't want to assume... Just leaving it up to God.
But..I think it's cuz I brought up the trip to SF as an ex as to how he includes MIL when I would rather it just be us.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Just got off the phone with H (he called to check on the kids) and I had to ask him about the *sigh*
He said he has also been aware of how much he involves MIL and is working on that. He felt as if he back tracked when I brought it up, but understands I also need to talk about it.
He said, I understand that I cannot be including my mom as much in our outings and even less cuz we do less outings than before (the sitch).
Made me feel better it wasn't me. He's working on his own things. This is nice. Refreshing.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Nice work Vero. It took a lot of guts to bring it up and then to bring up the sigh. It paid off too. Now you just have to be careful what you bring up as example. I find it frustrating when W brings up stuff I did three years ago. I'm not that man anymore. Keep it up girl!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Thank you Arsene for reminding me. You're right. It is important to put away old resentment and work on today.
We had another good day. Went shopping with MIL. Funny thing. When we picked her up she got in the car and H went into her place to get something. She said,
"Um, Vero, I was thinking of calling you last night and telling you I wasn't coming because I think you guys wanted to do something as a family and I was feeling like awkward about it."
She obviously didn't call. She must've still felt weird but not too weird where she would get off the car or tell us she changed her mind. So I think she just wanted me to make her feel comfortable. And I did. Sort of...
"Don't worry about it. I was hoping we would do a family outing and H suggested we go hiking so I was a bit disappointed when he suggested we go shopping instead. So his invite to you wasn't the problem."
I'm not going to stay quiet about things anymore. Nor am I going to be too blunt and forward. I struggled finding a balance and I think what I told her was just that. Balanced.
I'm a work in progress.
Also, H dropped us off after and I cried. I missed him and I hate that he doesn't live with us. I know, I know, wah wah wah, cut it out with the self pity party. So I did.
I told myself. This will pass. And it did. Thank God!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
