My H can certainly use my feelings against me. I think it would be virtually impossible for that sort of convo to go well at the moment. If I express any negative feelings, even if I phrase it carefully as being about me, H sees it as a sneaky way of having a go at him and blaming him. He turns the convo around so that he's the victim. Over the years...
Right, and this goes back to the cycle you and H have set-up, over the years.
Originally Posted By: Wendy
He HATES feeling that I'm critical of him. He goes on about how in my eyes he can never get it right, how he's never felt loved by me, that I just don't get him and never will, that he's given up on me ever understanding him, etc... I feel that he tries my patience and then blames me for getting irritated with him.
He won't give you a chance to really get through to him until YOU break this cycle. (he could also break it, but right now isn't the slightest bit interested in doing so) The way it is now, his guard is always up because he perceives you as always criticizing him.
How long have you both worked at developing this cycle? Oh yeah, YEARS. I think it is reasonable to expect it to take a while to break. You have to change your part in this, and be patient. Stay on course!
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Yes, I think you're right that I'd have to do it with tiny things. I did ask him tonight to stay for a few minutes to discuss The Good Wife after we finished our episode. He did and it was just a few minutes but it made a difference to how I felt. That little experiment went well.
Did you tell him how much you appreciated this? How much it meant to you? Reward positive behavior!
Com'on wendy, you've been around here before, you know these things take time to fix. Be patient. Instead of posting what he's doing wrong everyday, and hoping/waiting for HIM to change, take control of the only thing you can control... YOUR ACTIONS.
I promise, if you do it long enough he will notice and start to change.
Oh, and where do I sign up for that underware snapping game?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
