Put your hands up; it's a wild ride

[someguy1233]

Call logs show W was talking with suspected OM for 15 minutes on her drive home last night.

She has yet to communicate via email at all today. This is very different behavior.

I'm not doing well today. My anxiety is very high. I had to leave work for a while. I feel I'm on the edge of a melt down.

[someguy1233]

Goodbye Retrouvaille.

Last night during dinner and while playing with S, W was very quiet and withdrawn. I knew she had something to say… she always becomes withdrawn whenever she has something to say that I may perceive as a bad thing. I didn’t let it affect me and thoroughly enjoyed my time playing with S.

After we got S to bed W told me she didn’t want to go to Retrouvaille this weekend. She said she’s tired, emotionally exhausted, and needs to decompress. She said she can’t stand the thought of not seeing S for 3 days. She said that she just wants to stay home for the weekend and for us to do fun things with S. She said she’s not opposed to doing Retrouvaille another time, but that she can’t do it right now. She said it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want to work on “us.” She asked if I was mad and I said, “no. I was hoping you’d join me, but it’s your decision.” I let the conversation about Retro go. There was no point in pushing further… Looking back, I wish I had asked what she wanted to do to work on “us.” We have no plan. I feel like we’re just floating in limbo land.

She said that lately I don’t talk very much. She said when we do talk I just stare at her. She said I don’t respond with more than a few words to her emails. I told her that I’m listening to what SHE has to say. She said, “well this is going to be a fun life. We’ll just sit and stare at each other.” I laughed and asked her how her job interview went earlier this week.

So obviously she’s noticed I’ve withdrawn. I’ve intentionally limited communication to give her space. Is this not the correct thing to do? Should I change this behavior?

When we went to bed she spooned me again. (reminder: the previous night she was on the couch again…) She held me tight and fell asleep.

This morning as I walked out the door I said, “let me know if you change your mind about Retrouvaille. The deposit is already paid.” She got frustrated and said that she doesn’t want to spend that much time away from S, but that it doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to work on things. I told her, “no pressure. I’m just letting you know that you can change your mind if you want since we’re already paid for.”

[NickB]

She said she’s not opposed to doing Retrouvaille another time, but that she can’t do it right now. She said it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want to work on “us.” She asked if I was mad and I said, “no. I was hoping you’d join me, but it’s your decision.” I let the conversation about Retro go. There was no point in pushing further… Looking back, I wish I had asked what she wanted to do to work on “us.” We have no plan. I feel like we’re just floating in limbo land.

I am no expert, but in my own sitch, this type of conversation would have only added pressure to my W. Once she said she didnt want to go,l I think I would have chosen a course to validate and move on. Anything more doesnt validate her feelings but does push it all back on her.

She said that lately I don’t talk very much. She said when we do talk I just stare at her. She said I don’t respond with more than a few words to her emails. I told her that I’m listening to what SHE has to say. She said, “well this is going to be a fun life. We’ll just sit and stare at each other.” I laughed and asked her how her job interview went earlier this week.

Maybe you want to adjust your listening technique? Act interested. Ask about her feelings? Dont just stare and listen, get her to talk more and more. It has worked for me but takes a little practice.

So obviously she’s noticed I’ve withdrawn. I’ve intentionally limited communication to give her space. Is this not the correct thing to do? Should I change this behavior?

Detaching does not mean to ignore, it means to lovingly detach. Again, I made some similar mistakes. DB allows you to respond, it encourages you not to initiate R talks. It encourages you not to pursue, but it doesnt imply ignore.

This morning as I walked out the door I said, “let me know if you change your mind about Retrouvaille. The deposit is already paid.” She got frustrated and said that she doesn’t want to spend that much time away from S, but that it doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to work on things. I told her, “no pressure. I’m just letting you know that you can change your mind if you want since we’re already paid for.”

One day of pressure might have been enough. Twp days of consistent pressure might be pushing too hard at this point. She already told you she didnt want to go. As much as that hurts you are not going to change her mind by boxing her in. Trust me, I offer all of this as learned, painful experience.

[labug]

I agree, with NickB, and I understand your disappointment.

Remember that for the next time. Changing the way you communicate is very difficult and it starts with changing the way you think.

Don't mention Retro again. She was frustrated because she gave your her decision and you didn't believe her.

Don't beat your self up about it, learn from it.

[someguy1233]

NickB and labug, thank you for posting. I really appreciate it.

Upon further review.. I didn't validate when she told me she didn't want to go. I listened, but I didn't validate. I need to keep working on that!

I struggle to "lovingly detach." I feel like I could be a doormat if I'm always there for her while there's the potential OM.

Also, how do you think I should handle this?:
W just called me. She said that when I call Retrouvaille to let them know we won't be attending, I should ask them if we can apply the deposit towards a future session.

This sounds to me like she may actually be interested in going another time. I see there's another weekend in December. Perhaps I should mention it to her in a couple days?

[littleGTO]

"She said she’s not opposed to doing Retrouvaille another time, but that she can’t do it right now. "

Well, when she told you she didn't want to go she offered the fact that she would be willing to go again. I wouldn't pressure by bringing it up--let her initiate.

Overall, I think you have lots of reasons to be HOPEFUL--she is noticing your communication behavior, she wants to do "fun things" together this weekend, she hasn't moved out and she is spooning you at night (at least sometimes) to mention a few!

Be patient

[Bestgal]

Hey, just stopping by to say hello. I read through (most of ) your posts and I have to say, aside from a couple of things here and there, your story is much like mine and my H. We don't have a child but he's doing a lot of the same behaviors your W is doing. It's not easy, but she does sound like she loves you. It's hard when they're confused and not acting like they were just a few short weeks or months ago. But from what you wrote, you sound like you're doing the good work and getting some results. Keep it up, I (and everyone here) know how tough this can be...seriously!

[someguy1233]

This is a bit of a longer post as I journal the weekend. Overall, I think it was a good weekend. She didn't text as much. Her phone is still kept upside down with a passcode on it.

The non-retro weekend
This was the weekend we were supposed to go to Retrouvaille, but W changed her mind. Friday and Saturday she went to yoga. I guess this is better than her going out drinking!

She snuggled me in bed Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights.

-Saturday-
I put on my best jeans and a nice shirt. W asked why I was so dressed up. She said I was wearing “date clothes” and jokingly asked if I had a date. Then she said, “speaking of that, should we go out tonight?” I agreed and we went out for dinner and a bottle of wine.

During dinner she said, “See we can have fun!” She commented that she was talking with one of her friends and telling her about how great I am. Her friend said that I sounded amazing and she didn’t understand what the problem is.

W asked if I was disappointed that we weren’t at Retrouvaille. She said she's just not in the right frame of mind to go. Said her head needs to be in the right place and that both people should want to go. She said if it were THAT night (Saturday) Into Sunday she’d go now. But she couldn't go from work on Friday to retro and not see S. She also said it was too stressful with having to do laundry, make food for week, etc. The she said, “but see! We’re still having fun, right?!”

She brought up more sex life related talk. This has been happening more frequently. I really think that if we reconcile a lot of focus needs to be put in this area. It’s becoming clear to me that she must not have been satisfied. (We haven’t been close since bomb-day, so I can’t really work on this now).

She played a song in the car about being “difficult to love.” She said it reminded her of herself and how she’s hard to love. Then she said it was too serious and quickly changed it. She said she must be hard to be married to.

-Sunday-
We needed diapers for S. I said I’ll run to the store. She said, “No. Let’s go to the store and hang out as a family.” We had fun. W touched my back multiple times as I pushed the cart. She allowed her hand to stay on my back. It was more than just a casual brush.

She gave me a long hug after dinner.

She made another comment about me being the best dad as we put S to bed.

Before going to bed she said, “this weekend was exactly what I wanted it to be.” She snuggled me again.

Other notes…
She made another comment about where she could work part time if she stayed home with S. (planning for the future)
She talked about how we could put an addition on the house if we’re “rich someday.” (more planning for the future?)

Monday morning
She came into the bathroom while I was in the shower. She hasn’t done this since bomb-day.
She walked around in her underwear. She hasn’t let me see her without clothes since bomb-day. She even asked me to fix the straps on her bra. I told her it was a good look for her. She laughed and did a silly dance.

Once dressed, she asked me if she looked ok. I stopped what I was doing, looked at her and said, "Wow! You look amazing!" She sheepishly smiled and said "I don't even know how to respond to that." She jokingly showed her stocking under the dress.

[someguy1233]

Overall, I think you have lots of reasons to be HOPEFUL--she is noticing your communication behavior, she wants to do "fun things" together this weekend, she hasn't moved out and she is spooning you at night (at least sometimes) to mention a few!

Be patient

Thank you, turtlegirl. Your post honestly REALLY helped me get through the weekend with a more positive attitude. "Be Patient" kept resonating through my head whenever I would become frustrated.

Hey, just stopping by to say hello. I read through (most of ) your posts and I have to say, aside from a couple of things here and there, your story is much like mine and my H. We don't have a child but he's doing a lot of the same behaviors your W is doing. It's not easy, but she does sound like she loves you. It's hard when they're confused and not acting like they were just a few short weeks or months ago. But from what you wrote, you sound like you're doing the good work and getting some results. Keep it up, I (and everyone here) know how tough this can be...seriously!

Thanks, bestgal. I appreciate you stopping by my thread!

[leopoldstotch]

Hey SG glad to read that things are going good. Just dont get your hopes up to high this is called a roller coaster for a reason. Keep doing what works.