The green green grass of home

[Soul.Searching]

Thank you Ruby, UF and Tumbling.
I realised today that i am not okay but it is okay to not be okay right now.
I am okay but have times, usually mornings and nights where i am not so okay. I didn't want to feel the pain and still don't but it's something i have no choice in. I need to feel the pain in order to heal. Trying to force myself to heal quicker will not work and probably even prolong it.

I have been fearing Christmas and the holidays. Trying to keep hope that we will be working things out by then. That is most unlikely to happen.

I need to fully accept my sitch and the fact that this will be our first Christmas/holiday season as a family of divorce. I need to face the fact that i will be sharing my children on Christmas day and during the holiday season. It's going to hurt and it's going to be hard but we will get through it.

I have been feeling concerned because H asked if i wanted to get back together in a text message just after he told me he slept with OW's . I said i honestly don't know, I doubt you would want to if i had slept with OM. After that he said he didn't know if he wanted to get back together,..

I have been fighting myself over weather to send him a email telling him i do want to get back together but how it i felt about it.
Had i just said yes i do, what would that have been telling him? That is okay to treat me like that? Well it's not okay.

I wanted to tell him that he told me he still thinks about me all the time, even when he is with OW, so he is either not being honest or he does love me,..


It's not up to me to try to make him see anything. I fear he is still with OW but it's not up to me to try to control the sitch.

I'm finding it hard right now.