Originally Posted By: RegretfulLA
I do feel like you and I are in very similar situations, except I had 2 EAs and am wearing a scarlet letter. But I definitely empathise with you and your feelings around being rejected by H.


I am definitely vulnerable to EAs and I'm sure I would have had a PA during H's PA years ago if it weren't for the fact that the guy (an exbf) who I went to our College reunions with doesn't sleep with married women (though he was tempted and so was I). The fact that I don't have a scarlet letter is purely circumstantial. I don't feel that I hold any higher moral ground in that regard. Even as recently as yesterday, a guy I shared a table with in a cafe was chatting with me and it occurred to me that I'd be tempted if he were to suggest that we meet again.

Originally Posted By: RegretfulLA
When he snapped your underwear, what did you do? I'm always getting advice to "be flirty" with H although I never take it because that's not what he goes for (he's got some sort of madonna/whore complex going on).


How funny, my H also has a thing going on with that. He hates it when women try to look sexy so he doesn't go in for make-up, high heels, sexy underwear... It's just as well because I don't go in for all of that either. It would be a real turn-off for him if I tried to seduce him in a flirty/overtly sexy way.

When he snapped the elastic on my underwear, I responded with fake indignation and said "How rude!". It was all done in a jokey way and D15 was in the kitchen too so I wonder if it was partly to show off to her somehow.

Originally Posted By: RegretfulLA
Agree with FY on maybe having a chat with him, but try to set it up for a time when he'll be receptive. All you can do is give him your true feelings, and he can't argue with that (although mine finds a way to, saying 'that's how you feel now, but it's opposite from what you said three years ago' (I can't win)).


My H can certainly use my feelings against me. I think it would be virtually impossible for that sort of convo to go well at the moment. If I express any negative feelings, even if I phrase it carefully as being about me, H sees it as a sneaky way of having a go at him and blaming him. He turns the convo around so that he's the victim. Over the years, we have had many such convos and he responds along the following lines, "Once again, you're not happy with me; you're never happy; I'm sorry I'm not up to your standards, I wish you better luck with your next man; I've had it with your complaints; you're impossible; I'm the one who feels hurt by you on a daily basis so maybe now you know how I've felt our whole M...." I think H would need to be feeling good about himself and maybe scared of losing me at the same time for him to respond well. Usually, he just gets angry, defensive and blaming.

Having said that, I know there may be a time for that sort of convo but I haven't found it yet.

Originally Posted By: RegretfulLA
Seriously though, if you express some of these feelings to him, it might help clear the air. You could start with, "H, when you leave the table while I am still eating, it hurts my feelings. I'd like to spend more time with you over dinner." In my sitch, I always get pushback immediately but it does seem to sink in later. I would say, maybe start with a very small thing that's not confrontational and see how he responds to it. Remember, experiment and monitor results!


Yes, I think you're right that I'd have to do it with tiny things. I did ask him tonight to stay for a few minutes to discuss The Good Wife after we finished our episode. He did and it was just a few minutes but it made a difference to how I felt. That little experiment went well.

Originally Posted By: RegretfulLA
All he had to do was look for their leashes and realize that the leashes were gone. I mean, I've got some crafty pups but they're not crafty enough to take their leashes when they run away!


That could definitely be my H. For someone who is supposedly intelligent, I'm often struck by how incredibly dim he seems. It really is as if he's operating without a full deck. Sometimes even he is aware of it and blames it on his youthful experimenting with drugs. He has been known to get our house confused with the next door house and try to enter it by putting his keys in the door.

His attention to detail is abysmal. Yesterday, he was complaining that we were out of milk again. From where I was sitting I could see 2 pints. I had to talk him through it so that he could eventually spot them. S13, with all his impairments, would have spotted the milk if that was what he was looking for.

Given his set of skills, it is no wonder that H has trouble with our relationship. The same can be said of me in completely different ways. Thank God for this board.


Me: 51
H: 52
T: 23 yrs
M: 19 yrs
S18, D16, S14 (special needs)
PA: 2003/2004
Piecing: 2004 on
Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012