I got into a fight with my dad about my W. He asked me what my plan was and I told him I was sick of his gd plans and to stay out of it. I have a little resentment because he was the one that was always obsessed with money and planning stuff, especially around W, so I'm sure that played a part in her thinking I was that way too. I know that is in the past and I can't do anything about it. I'm just trying to figure out who I am and I think I have been trying to live up to his expectations too much my whole life.
Me - 32 Wife - 31 No kids Married - 3 Together - 6 "I need space" - July 2012 Bomb/Presence of OM - August 2012 Separation - September 2012
So here's a new question. I am still friends with the OMs ex fiancee, the one that broke up with the OM for my W. She is in not such a good place, she was supposed to be getting married a few weeks ago. I want to tell her about DB. I don't think she wants to save her R with him but it might help her do some 180s for her next R. Is she too close to this for me to tell her? I want to share and I have been giving her little DB pieces of advice. But I'm afraid she will come across my posts and somehow it will get back to OM and W. And judging on the things they think right now and they have said, he will only use it as ammunition as to why he is the answer, or whatever. Thoughts?
Me - 32 Wife - 31 No kids Married - 3 Together - 6 "I need space" - July 2012 Bomb/Presence of OM - August 2012 Separation - September 2012
So here's a new question. I am still friends with the OMs ex fiancee, the one that broke up with the OM for my W. She is in not such a good place, she was supposed to be getting married a few weeks ago. I want to tell her about DB. I don't think she wants to save her R with him but it might help her do some 180s for her next R. Is she too close to this for me to tell her? I want to share and I have been giving her little DB pieces of advice. But I'm afraid she will come across my posts and somehow it will get back to OM and W. And judging on the things they think right now and they have said, he will only use it as ammunition as to why he is the answer, or whatever. Thoughts?
What do you feel is the upside of doing this vs. the downsides you have clearly expressed your fear of?
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
Just so I don't leave you hanging fuanacdc, I don't truly know.
But...
My observation with your post was that it seemed like as I read it further and further I was more or less left with many more of "what YOU feel are cons" than "what you feel are pros". Doesn't seem like you are too confident that this is a good idea.
I don't know that what you're worried about is really all THAT likely, but, for argument's sake, what if you're absolutely right? My previous question put another way is, does the positive of doing that outweigh the risk for YOU?
My inclination is to say that the DBing literature is supposed to be a secret between you and you. And that doesn't just apply to not sharing it with your WAW. That's with anyone close enough to the situation where you risk it coming to your wife's attention I would say.
I just wanted to simply pose a question back to you to see if you had any additional thoughts on the matter which the board could evaluate.
Anyone else, please chime in on this.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
Is she too close to this for me to tell her? I want to share and I have been giving her little DB pieces of advice. But I'm afraid she will come across my posts and somehow it will get back to OM and W.
Just tell her about the book, don't mention that you post on the forums. If she finds her way to the forums the chances have got to be really small that she would find your posts and figure out who's making them. There are so many different people and threads on here that it just seems unlikely she'd put it together unless you told her you post here.
I almost caved last night. My sister-in-law and I were texting about something else when she asked if I had told my W that I missed her recently. I told her that I have not and she told me that I should. I told her that as long as the OM was in the picture it wouldn't serve as anything but false hope and that I she knows how I feel already and only wants to make sure my feelings aren't hurt by what she was doing. She sends this back:
"You never know, she could be realizing her mistakes. What will it hurt if you try besides your pride?"
I explained to her that our conversations have been solely through text and always about bills or her things and that I was just taking this time to get myself right and if my W wants to work on things she knows where I am but I am not going to open myself up to that kind of hurt again and false hope. She told me that I needed to text her today when I knew she wasn't around OM and tell her that I miss her because she probably thinks that my heart has moved on and that women think opposite of guys and that she needs to hear that from me because I haven't said that in a while. I responded, "neither has she."
So I admit I was a little taken aback by this. I know that my W and her sister have been talking more recently and that the W asks how I am doing. So I almost caved because I was telling myself that W told sister she was realizing she made a mistake and that I had already moved on. I do want her to know that I miss her very much but I realize that is against what I am trying to do here. Is there anything that I can say to her to remain strong and still tell her that I miss her. I mean this would require me initiating contact with her. Last night I got a cold text from her saying that "The storage unit is empty, thanks again." I need her to know that I miss her but I don't want to undo any progress that I have made and fill myself with false hope again. Any thoughts? Sorry I tried to get the whole conversation down here but it might not make as much sense when you read it...
Me - 32 Wife - 31 No kids Married - 3 Together - 6 "I need space" - July 2012 Bomb/Presence of OM - August 2012 Separation - September 2012
Just tell her about the book, don't mention that you post on the forums. If she finds her way to the forums the chances have got to be really small that she would find your posts and figure out who's making them. There are so many different people and threads on here that it just seems unlikely she'd put it together unless you told her you post here.
I am just going to hold off on telling her all together. I can give her some sound advice with DB principles if she asks me but I think you are right. This website is for me, not for the others involved in my situation. Thanks! :b
Me - 32 Wife - 31 No kids Married - 3 Together - 6 "I need space" - July 2012 Bomb/Presence of OM - August 2012 Separation - September 2012
She told me that I needed to text her today when I knew she wasn't around OM and tell her that I miss her because she probably thinks that my heart has moved on and that women think opposite of guys and that she needs to hear that from me because I haven't said that in a while.
And why does she think W needs to hear that from you? W is the one engaged in an affair, not you. YOU need to hear that from HER, not vice versa. Sounds like cake-eating to me. W wants to know that you're still there as plan B fallback position in case things don't work out with OM. I think you're right in not doing that. And I would be VERY careful about what you say to SIL. Just keep in mind you might as well be talking to W. SIL may pretend to be neutral, but she's not. She firmly in W's camp. Don't ever think she's not. Many people have been burned in their reconcilation attempts by trusting their spouse's family with the wrong info.
Quote:
Last night I got a cold text from her saying that "The storage unit is empty, thanks again."
That doesn't sound cold, it sounds fine. She was letting you know she got her stuff out and she thanked you. Polite and friendly.
