New to DB and Clearly Oblivious to My "Horrible" M

[NickB]

I said all of that to say this.....do you know if she has stayed on top of her hormone health? Does her doctor check it out with specific blood tests? What about depression after the last baby was born? Do you know if she suffered with it?

I tried and failed to convince her to go to the doctors lately. It was pushing her and she took it as me looking for an excuse for her behavior. I quickly backed off. Uncoordinated, a few weeks later our MC suggested the same to her. She has since been to the doctor. When I asked how she was she replaied with “fine” and clearly had no intention of discussing anything more. She is not on any regular medication of which I am aware.

I am not an expert on depression, but she has been irritable and moody for quite some time. If and when I have ever mentioned anything in the last two years the same response is provided. “I am tired.” Long before that, I have always been up for each child’s feeding and any other times they get up each night. I also let her sleep in as long as she desires and am often late for work because she rises late some mornings. I feed the kids, get them dressed and get them ready for school. I do what I can but the tired side never goes away.

When a woman has an EA, it's b/c she isn't getting her emotional needs met. She's empty and she turns to somebody other than her H to meet those needs. Your first big clue was when the sex stopped. How long has that been going on?

Do you know why it stopped? Was she too tired, or did it hurt? Maybe it was you who was too tired? It happens all the time in our stressed out lives. But it's a sign that something is off in the R. The longer it goes without fixing it....the worse the R can become. Even when there doesn't appear to be anything obviously wrong, something begins to slowly die.

Sex stopped for the most part after our first child. Any passion, desire, reciprocation ended then and never rekindled. I tried for months and eventually stopped because getting rejected too many times takes it toll. She was always too tired. I tried to respect her desires and stayed away from this area. Sex eventually became a means to have children alone.

Research on line the PEAS. If you know what you're dealing with, you'll have a better plan of action.

I researched PEAS as suggested and believe in the science. The challenge is I am not sure what the right plan of action is. Some of this was mentioned in one of the books our MC suggested we read. She never completed the book and told him that the book was hokey – expecially the part about the love addition (PEAS).

Now evaluate your place in your home & family. Have you become lazy or too laid back in making decisions? I'm sure you're very tired if you have to make decisions at work all day and don't want to do it at home, too. But men who set back and have the W handle everything is not being the man she needs. He may think he's making things easier and letting her do whatever she wants, but this does not work well in the long run of things. Women's natural instincts is to want a man who provides, protects, and leads his family. If she feels that she is doing her part and your part too, it will take its toll on the R. She may not even realize it at first, but her lack of disrespect will begin to set in, and things start to get worse. Disrespect and resentment are cancers in M's.

I am intreagued here. She would easily claim I am great with the kids and help all around the house. I am laughing to myself right now as I just put the fourth load of laundry in and have folded the first three. I handle our finances for the house but she insists on doing the planning for the kids. I read to them at night, get up with them in the morning, help with homework, etc. But she usually researches and plans what I will do with them on weekends, etc. (gives her a break from the week’s activities)

How does she talk to you in front of the kids and others? This is important. Does she talk down in any way? Does she make fun of you in front of other? Does she fight with you in front of the kids or others?

No. She is always respectful of me in the front of the kids as am I. Any angry conversations are held for when they are in bed.

How well do you participate with the kids? Would you say that you come off as being one of the kids? I mean, there is a time to play with them.....and btw, you making the kids giggle is good medicine for her ears. But there is a time to take charge and they know daddy means what he says. Would you say your children sees a good balance there?

I am more the of the discipliner than she is and she would readily admit that. We coparent fairly well and this has never been a point of argument since we first had kids.

It's so easy to let our jobs & raising children take over our lives. There's just not enough time for each other. But when you are together (without the kids) what do you do? Has she stopped showing any physical affection at all? Do you still kiss her? I mean really kiss her (not a peck good-bye).

Since the EA she has asked for all physical to stop. I always kissed her at the start and end of each day since we were first married. Passion was turned down after the first child. Wouldn’t even know how to kiss her now – but that is off limits.

You are in a tight situation, no doubt about it. There are no quick fixes. But hopefully, we can help you with some things to do and not do.

Please do. I am in need of serious guidance here!

Don't leave your bed. If she doesn't want to share a bed with you....she needs to be the one to sleep somewhere else.

I will add more to my journal later but strange you mention this just now. Today was the first day she asked me to move out of the bedroom to give her space. I validated her feelings but let her know I was not planning on moving out of the bedroom. This conversation took a quick nose dive with her response being: “I can see you are going to make this divorce difficult,” and stormed out of the room.