Thank you labug! I changed my username once, and for this one, I just think I had too much trash in my "bag", I want to get it out, and maybe fill it with stars....
My situation is a bit weird right now. I met my H when i was in college back in my home country. I moved to the states with him after we got married for awhile. It was a huge change for me. I do not have family here and my good friends are not in my city right now. I'm getting my master's degree the end of this year, and I'm staying at his parents' house right now. I do not have a car, although I can use my in laws'. It is not that convenient. My H basically just left me here at the in-laws.
I feel so lonely here and I'm scared. Our original plan was to graduate and find jobs together somewhere good for both of us. But now, I'll have to find a job somewhere myself and then move there. I have the fear that we will never be in the same city or even country again. Although, now like you said, he moved on it seems like, so he probably doesn't care where I'll be working or what not.
I do want our M to work again, the same time, the fear of us never being together again makes me so scared of doing anything. I feel silly as I'm writing down how I feel....
So, Basically, I should just live like he is not coming back, and work on graduating and getting a job somewhere, without talking about any of it to him?
Yes. His plan has changed, so should yours. Create the life you want, not one that keeps you attached to him. If he changes his mind, he changes his mind. If he doesn't, it's sad but you will have positioned yourself for a great future.
We're all lonely and scared at some times. Make some new friends, friends who value you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thank you labug. I was blinded by myself once again. He moved on. He doesn't care about me or our M anymore. I was having this false hope that he still cares but the fact is he is living with the OW and never contacted me. I have to make my new plans. I realized that I was so attached to our old plans that I couldn't let go. But he already made his new plans awhile ago, a longgg while ago.
I know how you feel about the WAS making other plans and not caring. One great thing about this forum is the bouncing off of ideas. If you hear any good ideas about GAL, please post. Please continue to update, as we are all here to help and all need the help.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
Thanks for joining in Grateful. I'll keep updating if anything. I think we just need to stop having this idea that our WAS would magically change and say they're coming back. I had that idea for so long and it is only hurting me. And I know this is so hard to let go, I am trying.
This mutual friend who is going to visit my H just called, and said he'd like to meet me later. I had like 1% of hope that his visit would turn things around, but now i have 0%. I'm not too sad that he can't change things. I'm not expecting him to. I guess now I just don't know how to handle it after he comes back from visiting.
I need a caring friend to talk to right now, and i know he cares about both me and my H. I want to tell him how I feel and want to have some perspectives from him. I don't know. I feel kinda good though that I finally realized that I do not have to be attached to our old plan, no matter how great that plan seems. It is not a real thing. It makes me motivated to finally have MY plan for my future.
Just something. Talked to my SIL and she told me that she doesn't like what my H is doing and she won't like him or the OW if we do get a D. She encourages me to get a D which I am not against much anymore. But I do have my opinion that I'd give this messed up R some more time. But I was glad to hear that she thinks my H is a loser for doing this. YAY. Not many mutual friends know about how we are now, and I'll keep it that way. I didn't really want the family to know about this at first, but I really had no one to talk to. But SIL didn't try to get into this so it's nice of her. H doesn't know she knows about us.
So I talked to this friend who tried to help H. He is a spiritual person so he thinks he has some ways to make H be aware of what danger he is getting himself into. But this friend is not saying he would try to get H to come back to me. ( I don't think anyone would be able to at this point anyway). I'm not really comfortable with him going. It's like I feel more comfortable having no contact with H than knowing that someone is going to "help" him.
He said he has good intension. But I know for sure the good intension didn't work, at least for me. So I kept asking him to make sure the H doesn't think it's me who sent him there. He said he would not make H think that way. But who knows, my H is crazy right now.
Plus, H seems to avoid contact with this friend, although they used to be REALLY good friends. So I don't know how H is going to react. I'm kinda scared of H resenting me more after this visit.
But again, I can't control anything. This friend feels the need to visit H. So, I really can't stop him from going. Sigh, this gets complicated to me, maybe it will make it easier for H to hate me more...That's not my problem anymore I suppose.
I guess if I could let the bad past go, I should also be able to let the good past go. Look forward to a good future where I am comfortable with myself.
So I kept asking him to make sure the H doesn't think it's me who sent him there.
NO!! What you should have said is "DO NOT GET INVOLVED!!" He is very likely going to do much more harm than good.
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He said he would not make H think that way.
He can't control what your H thinks, and it's quite likely that ANY mutual friend that talks to your H is going to make him think that you're behind it whether you are or not.
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I'm kinda scared of H resenting me more after this visit.
Your concerns are legit.
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But again, I can't control anything.
Sure you can. Explain to the friend that based on what you've learned, any attempt on his part to intervene is going to not only NOT help your H, but will also cause damage to your attempts to reconcile. This is exactly what I've told my friends who have offered to "help". Their hearts are in the right place, but they simply don't know anything about what works (DB'ing).
So should I let him know that I've been DBing? This friend was one of my H's best friend, so he thinks he understands what H is going through, and he thinks he is the ONLY person that H would listen to. He said he is trying to help H to not be depressed inside. And he was really serious about it, and he said he knows my H really well.
I don't know if I coud convince him not to go, cuz he firmly believes that he could help. But I will try my best to explain to him tomorrow!!!
Although, right now I don't see any good sign from H. I do believe he would possibly cause even more damage. I gotta explain to him tomorrow!!! Thanks for your input!
