I'm struggling a bit today. Yesterday W went to work and left her email up on my computer. After months of not snooping, I looked at her draft folder....I'm not sure why, but I am always interested in the drafts. Of course, something in the drafts looked incriminating so I continued digging.
Unfortunately, and this is half the reason snooping is so bad for you, I found some emails to OM talking of running off to New Orleans for mardi gras in Jan and some other emails asking him "what can I have?", "is everything monitored?" and "you know what and who you want." I assume OM's W is checking all his communications as she had previously separated from him because of his R with my W.
Previously, I had kinda figured OM decided to work on his own M and my W pursued, and that's kinda what the emails seem to indicate. This was all 6-8 weeks ago, but she is still sending him texts and emails regularly that aren't work related. Nothing incriminating, but it seems now that there's "monitoring" everything is a bit cryptic.
That fight we got a couple of weeks were I was bad mouthing OM, makes more sense now as I think she's probably mourning the relationship. She even sent him an email that night comparing how she felt to an episiotomy (see what I mean about cryptic?).
I also found something related to our financials that looks like she may be hiding money from me, so that's worrisome too.
When W returned home, she could see that I was upset and asked me about it. After repeatedly being asked about it, I did say I was upset, but didn't want to discuss it. She continued to press and asked why I didn't want to talk about it. At this point I said "You're a liar, and I don't want to talk about it because you'll just tell me more lies, and I'm not willing to go down that path."
I had an outing with some friends last night and spent the night. When I got home this morning she asked me if I wanted to talk about it yet and if I was still mad. I simply said, no, I don't want to discuss it right now and "mad" doesn't come close to describing what I'm feeling.
So here I am....lost about what to do, where to go, and how to react. On one hand, I really want to say "I will not stay in this M and continue to pretend everything's fine. No contact with OM is mandatory for me to move forward."
On the other hand, my DB coach basically told me to not worry about OM and continue to enjoy our time together (which is what I have been doing for a few months now with great success).
I want my M to work and I was willing to do anything to keep it together. But now, I realize that I'm not willing to sacrifice my values and my feelings for eternity to stay in this.
