The Lure of the Siren

[Arsene]

I found these two nuggets really interesting.

IMHO, Arsene, you would be better off working more on your co-dependence issues than you would be necessarily on MARITAL issues. I think if you could get to the root of "why doesn't Arsene think he'll be okay if he's alone?" you might find your clues to your marital problems.

Yes, this is a marriage-recovery site, but I have found that those who have sucessfully DB'd almost always do so because they first sucessfully recovered THEMSELVES. I think that's what Cutter is trying to get you to see, and many of you are shooting the messenger.


Starsky

Actually Starsky, I did spend quite a bit of time on my own in those years. 1st W left in '99, we were separated for two years til I asked for divorce in 2001 and then I met my W in 2002. I didn't jump in a relationship until I felt I was ready to do so. I'll look into co-dependence but I'm not sure it applies here mate.

Correct. However, I think that Cutter (and some of the rest of us) -- in our been-around-the-block-and-know-a-thing-or-two'ness -- are saying that until you DO, you'll be largely STUCK.

There's no shame in admitting that you're not ready. However, don't make any pretenses at thinking you're going to get anywhere until you CAN bring yourself to be ready.


Starsky

I hear you mate but what you call pretense, I call PMA. I know I'm not ready and in any position to do what CB is advocating and perhaps I'm deluding myself in believing that I am making progress, however, without this sweet delusion (if that is all it is) I would have given up a long time ago.

I have read many sitches in the forum and I've read Dobson's Love Must Be Tough. For the time being, I have made the decision to follow a softer approach, right or wrong, as I believe it is what is best for now for my situation. I don't think I'm doing anything which would hurt my sitch and quite frankly, I don't think I'm in any more(or any less) pain than people who choose the harder approach.

I think you did the right thing, Arsene. Remember, while much is written around here about "every situation is different" and "we all have to follow our gut," let's face it -- our GUT is often what got us into our marital messes and led us to this forum to begin with.

Much, MUCH of correct DBing is counter-intuitive, and won't feel right.
Starsky

Thanks mate. I think so too, but it feels like amputating your own leg.

Thanks for your time Starsky. I appreciate your opinion on this.

Cheers!