He's Just Not That Into You

[RegretfulLA]

I just don't know if I can count on my H to be "the strong one" in the R when I need him to. Most of the time I'm very capable and can hold my own just fine. I am organized, I run the household and keep everyone moving forward. But times come when I need emotional help and H is seriously absent.

I will say that when I got cancer (almost 7 years ago), he was there for me, although I was very strong throughout the whole thing. But he came to every chemo, and took care of our two kids, one of whom was a newborn. He really rose to the occasion. But the cancer is what started the downslide for him. Since his own mother abandoned him, it seriously triggered his abandonment fears and once the tidal wave had passed he withdrew. I of course had no idea this was going on.

The sex was also much more scarce in those days... H did not seem interested and probably wasn't. Not a good message to send. I had had a mastectomy and lost my hair and was overweight from the baby. I probably was grotesque for a while and one time he actually said, "You're disgusting" (with regards to the cancer). I told him he'd regret that for the rest of his life.

There were a few times when I just needed a hug or some simple comforting and he FLAT OUT rejected me saying he didn't feel like it. So I've learned not to trust him in that way, not knowing if he'll reject me or not. And then I turned inward for awhile as well.

When I tell the story like this it becomes really clear why I became so attached to OM1 (who was emotionally available), and then OM2, who was kind, attentive and very sweet.

Wendy, I'm going to spend some time in your sitch today. I haven't had much of a chance but I see that you're making some baby steps.