He's Just Not That Into You

[mamabird]

I just don't know if I can count on my H to be "the strong one" in the R when I need him to. Most of the time I'm very capable and can hold my own just fine. I am organized, I run the household and keep everyone moving forward. But times come when I need emotional help and H is seriously absent.

I will say that when I got cancer (almost 7 years ago), he was there for me, although I was very strong throughout the whole thing. But he came to every chemo, and took care of our two kids, one of whom was a newborn. He really rose to the occasion. But the cancer is what started the downslide for him. Since his own mother abandoned him, it seriously triggered his abandonment fears and once the tidal wave had passed he withdrew. I of course had no idea this was going on.

The sex was also much more scarce in those days... H did not seem interested and probably wasn't. Not a good message to send. I had had a mastectomy and lost my hair and was overweight from the baby. I probably was grotesque for a while and one time he actually said, "You're disgusting" (with regards to the cancer). I told him he'd regret that for the rest of his life.

There were a few times when I just needed a hug or some simple comforting and he FLAT OUT rejected me saying he didn't feel like it. So I've learned not to trust him in that way, not knowing if he'll reject me or not. And then I turned inward for awhile as well.

When I tell the story like this it becomes really clear why I became so attached to OM1 (who was emotionally available), and then OM2, who was kind, attentive and very sweet.

Wendy, I'm going to spend some time in your sitch today. I haven't had much of a chance but I see that you're making some baby steps.

[scaredsilly]

"When I tell the story like this it becomes really clear why I became so attached to OM1 (who was emotionally available), and then OM2, who was kind, attentive and very sweet. "

Yes, what happened to "in sickness and in health" for him? You were already feeling bad about yourself and he kicked you when you were down. Heartless.

[Breakdown]

I do not think my H has ever forgiven his mother. He is a grudge holder to the extreme, and I believe his abandonment issues are playing deeply into our own dynamics.

Probably not. I didn't really understand forgiveness, or resentment for that matter, until the last few years. I knew I was unhappy about a lot of things, but I didn't really do anything with it...it just sat there, and I continued to be unhappy about it. I think if people understood what a true gift forgiveness is to yourself, everyone would start trying it.

One thing I was thinking the other day was that you're starting to really focus on H, on his lack of trying, on his lack of forgiveness, etc. You need to try to turn this back on yourself and focus on the things you have control of.

I had decided at one point I was going to stop apologizing for things in the past, and I stuck to that for a while, but it just kept coming up in our discussions. It was a real sticking point for W. So I changed gears and decided I would be very specific about what I was sorry about, try to share a couple of things every week. The last couple of years my W has done a lot of hateful things, but I can only control me....so I focused on that.

She told me once that those apologies did more to mend our relationship than anything else I'd done during our M. So my point is two-fold....focus on you and maybe try something new.

[hopefulinga]

Breakdown has some good points, LA. I understand how frustrating your H's behavior is. But focusing on it shows you are attaching again. I live with the king of H's that don't pull their weight. Would I like help around the house? Sure. Has the lack there of made me resentful? Recently, yes. But I'm not going to get mad about it.

It's hard to tell if you H is missing some of the things you would like him to do, like the list at the store, because he is depressed. I can tell you that if my H bought a pizza, he wouldn't consider what I wanted on it. In reality, my H would go out and get one.

Your H seems like he is on the fence. You may have to bite your lip a little bit more and see what happens in MC.

[mamabird]

Well, it's true that I am focused on H at the moment. But I got some good GAL in - the party last week and the movie last night.

One thing I noticed was that my anger has dissipated enough after that talk on Friday for me to want to be physical with him again. This morning we cuddled in bed for an hour, though as you know it is not reciprocated. It's not exactly like being with a dead fish but I would call him "frigid" at this point (although he does seem to enjoy it). When I crawled into the bed, he asked me how my night was and we had a nice talk for an hour. This is a 180 because we didn't used to spend a lot of one on one time together.

I told him that we should focus on talking things over as they happen so that resentments don't build up again... He said ok, though who knows... I also said I thought the physical time was good for us both.

Lo and behold, he delivered today. Cleaned up the backyard, got rid of some trash that had been piling up, got those few things at the hardware store, helped S8 clean his room. I was impressed and told him it all looked great.

Never mind that I found an unpaid parking ticket from July that was now into triple fines...never mind that...

[Crazyville]

RegretfulLA, I sure wish I had some words of wisdom for you. Your sitch is just too much like mine. I'll be following to see how it goes with you. And I wish the best for you counseling tomorrow. ((()))

[scaredsilly]

"Never mind that I found an unpaid parking ticket from July that was now into triple fines...never mind that..."

that's right. focus on the good and the positive. register the negative but don't let it be your main focus. pay the ticket for your own benefit (lost money). don't bring it up now.

there must have been many reasons you fell in love with your H and many things about him you liked and loved. focus on them and accentuate the positive.

[mamabird]

I really am trying to focus on improving the R, and I think that starts with me. This is the whole theory behind DB. One person can change a R. I've seen a lot of positive changes and that's good. We have our first MC today and I think we need a road map to get out of this mess.

At this point, I don't know what H is doing to a) acknowledge his part in this, b) let go of the anger, and c) work on the trust issues. He's got to put in the work and I hope the MC makes him see that.These are things that have to happen if we are to stay together.

[Breakdown]

At this point, I don't know what H is doing to a) acknowledge his part in this, b) let go of the anger, and c) work on the trust issues. He's got to put in the work and I hope the MC makes him see that.These are things that have to happen if we are to stay together.

Those may not be his main issues at this point, so don't feel as if he's not moving just because he's not doing it the way you want. I struggle with this too so I get it.

Personally, I think you'll have to take the lead. You'll have to show him that you are willing to own up to your mistakes, that your not going to blame him, and you are willing to forgive, trust, commit and love. By your example, he may see the light and follow suit, but don't try to force it. Let me the MC lead it down that path.

Good luck today....I hope your MC is a good one!

[mamabird]

Thanks Breakdown. I have been trying to show him those things but he just rejects them on the surface, saying that he doesn't trust my motivation. There is always a reason for him to be right and me to be wrong. I am not sure how to change that perception so I agree, I hope this MC is good.

Last night I was not feeling well and was in bed by 7:30. H did not disturb me and "let" me sleep in the bed, although he declined to join or ask me how I was doing. He slept on the couch and I'm not sure he even pulled it out.